Tuesday, May 13, 2003

and 11 days later here i am.

moved into my new room last night. for the first time in my entire life i actually have my own room which i don't have to share and which is not connected to any other room.

it feels strange. found it a little difficult to sleep. after all, i have been camped out in the living room and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for over 2 months now. it really is strange sleeping on a bed again.

but i guess i have to do it, if i'm going to move on. i moved to the living room because i couldn't sleep on my bed. and now i have to face the bed. weird. face the bed.

i got through the first night although i was restless. but i made it through just the same. and i know it's a long road but i will be fine. i'll take it a minute at a time.

so every night i will sleep in my bed, and wake up in the morning and do what i have to do and go back to bed at night. hopefully i will get used to the routine and i won't have to think anymore. so there.

i don't think this is making sense. oh well.

Friday, May 02, 2003

just when you think you're fine and moving on with your life, something happens that sets you back to square one. my ex-boyfriend attended my college recognition rites. i hadn't seen him in almost 2 months. i was apprehensive about the meeting and for good reason. things were initially awkward but with all the hustle and bustle of the graduation, i didn't have time to dwell on it. he brought me a bouquet of flowers.

things were going well till it was time for the family dinner. he was invited of course. but at the last minute he decided not to go. i asked him to go, my sister asked him to go. no dice. it ruined my night.

then i found out later that night that he already had a new girlfriend. knife went in, twisted clockwise, and twisted counterclockwise. i thought i was fine. really. but late into the night i was curled up on my mattress crying. i couldn't be friends with him anymore, much as i wanted to. didn't think i could take it. so i lost a friend.

it hurts. pretending i'm okay hurts more. i don't know when this will stop. i can do without the pain, after all i have to review for the bar. i could do without the stress. but i can't seem to get my butt into gear. i just space out and feel bad. please make it stop.