and 11 days later here i am.

moved into my new room last night. for the first time in my entire life i actually have my own room which i don't have to share and which is not connected to any other room.

it feels strange. found it a little difficult to sleep. after all, i have been camped out in the living room and sleeping on a mattress on the floor for over 2 months now. it really is strange sleeping on a bed again.

but i guess i have to do it, if i'm going to move on. i moved to the living room because i couldn't sleep on my bed. and now i have to face the bed. weird. face the bed.

i got through the first night although i was restless. but i made it through just the same. and i know it's a long road but i will be fine. i'll take it a minute at a time.

so every night i will sleep in my bed, and wake up in the morning and do what i have to do and go back to bed at night. hopefully i will get used to the routine and i won't have to think anymore. so there.

i don't think this is making sense. oh well.

just when you think you're fine and moving on with your life, something happens that sets you back to square one. my ex-boyfriend attended my college recognition rites. i hadn't seen him in almost 2 months. i was apprehensive about the meeting and for good reason. things were initially awkward but with all the hustle and bustle of the graduation, i didn't have time to dwell on it. he brought me a bouquet of flowers.

things were going well till it was time for the family dinner. he was invited of course. but at the last minute he decided not to go. i asked him to go, my sister asked him to go. no dice. it ruined my night.

then i found out later that night that he already had a new girlfriend. knife went in, twisted clockwise, and twisted counterclockwise. i thought i was fine. really. but late into the night i was curled up on my mattress crying. i couldn't be friends with him anymore, much as i wanted to. didn't think i could take it. so i lost a friend.

it hurts. pretending i'm okay hurts more. i don't know when this will stop. i can do without the pain, after all i have to review for the bar. i could do without the stress. but i can't seem to get my butt into gear. i just space out and feel bad. please make it stop.