Saturday, July 30, 2005

losing the faith

i have always made it a point to go to church every sunday. i have been doing it all my life and i always found a certain amount of comfort and peace during mass. particularly when the people who don't know each other start singing together. of course people sing at concerts too, but it's not really the same thing.

last year however, i can't really pinpoint when, i decided not to go. at first it was just "i don't really feel like it." then i stopped going altogether. this year i have gone to church exactly 4 times. new year's day, ash wednesday, palm sunday, and easter sunday.

what happened?

i don't really know. it seems as if i've been wrestling with my demons for so long that i couldn't bring myself to go to church, even to go through the motions. it doesn't feel right.

i want to go back. i want to listen to the people singing in unison, even if i don't know the songs. i want the comfort and peace i used to find there, no matter how troubled i was. the few times i went, i was just as disturbed when i left as when i entered.

i want to go back. i want to know that no matter how badly i screwed up my life, i can always go to church and be absolved of my sins. it is the one place i am certain i will not be condemned. but i can't bring myself to attend mass.

strange. i know i can always go. but i guess i have to forgive myself some before i can.

di ko pa kayang humarap sa Diyos.

Friday, July 29, 2005

still riding her own melt

there we were, at the malcolm theater in the college of law. it was freshman orientation and we were all milling around the room, looking for familiar faces.

somebody backed into me and exclaimed for the world to hear:


i got startled but i calmly delivered the only logical answer in my head:


we've been friends ever since. but that's just making the long story short.

we like the same books and we laugh at the same jokes. she's smart, with a quick wit, and is never at a loss for words. fiercely loyal to the people she cares about. she's seen me through a lot of low times, and i was forunate enough to have been there when she had hers.

independent. horribly so. but not averse to receiving stuff.

dances really well, and flirts without knowing it. hehehe. and this girl knows how to p a r t y.

we waited for midnight for her birthday last night, and i remember thinking (looking at her while she was making googly eyes at the bassist) -- life is manageable and a lot more interesting because she's there.

hapi beerdey renski. lab u.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

things come in threes.

got tagged by anna katrina ages ago. here goes.

Three names you go by:
1. tina b.
2. tins
3. tintoy

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. nose
2. fingers and toes (will this count as 2?)
3. eyes (looking haunted at the moment, but i like them still.)

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. too thin hair (i like my hair, and it's not that i'm complaining, but i could do with a little more.)
2. logs, logs, logs.
3. and more logs.

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino
2. Spanish
3. (2 na lang.)

Three things that scare you:
1. worms.
2. outliving the people i love
3. worms. ugh.

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. drinking water
2. stories
3. home cooked meals

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. sting
2. U2
3. billy joel

Three of your favorite songs:
1. she's got a way - billy joel
2. ghost - indigo girls
3. there we are -- james taylor

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. love (of course)
2. humor
3. passion

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
1. i'm happy
2. i'm practically perfect in every way. :D
3. this too shall pass.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. eyes i can drown in
2. yummy lips
3. clean, capable hands

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. reading
2. writing
3. cooking

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. bum around at some beach
2. buy a motorcycle
3. get my car kojak overhauled

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. pilot
2. ambulance driver
3. chef

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Brazil
2. Vienna
3. Africa

Three kid's names you like:
1. Joaquin
2. Jordan (if it's a girl)
3. Sebastian

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. skydive
2. publish an erotic tagalog novel
3. pay off all my immediate family's debts. :P

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. i throw a football better than most boys
2. i can be an electrician, a mechanic, and a plumber at home if need be.
3. i can change the 5 gallon water bottle for our water dispenser without batting an eyelash or breaking a sweat

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i cry. all the time
2. i go to pieces when i see hugh jackman
3. i like seeing men with nice butts in tight jeans. :P

Three celeb crushes:
1. hugh jackman
2. richard gutierrez :P
3. keannu reeves


I now tag the following people:

whoever wants to answer this. :)

Monday, July 25, 2005


got to transfer some pictures from my pocket pc to my computer. here are a couple i said i'd post:

me and neil. sigh. don't mind the date though. the battery winked out on me. (yes that's snooky serna sitting at the back, although for the life of me i couldn't figure out what she was doing there.)

hehehe. my birthday celebration. nobody else was looking. saisaki along edsa.

Friday, July 22, 2005

don johnson, is that you?

a couple of weeks ago, the office issued a dress down policy for fridays. since most of the occupants of the building dress down on fridays, i thought it most appropriate that we follow suit.

but check out the friday attire.


For the purpose of defining acceptable office attire, we classify the following dress code corresponding to the workdays:

Regular Business Attire : Monday – Thursday
Casual Attire : Friday
Dress Down Day : Saturday

2.1 Monday to Thursday Dress Code

All employees shall wear the appropriate business attire from Monday to Thursday.

Inappropriate attire such as, but not limited to the following are not allowed during these days:

2.1.1 Denim pants (pants, overall, polo and skirts)
2.1.2 Carpenter/Cargo pants
2.1.3 Cropped or Capri pants
2.1.4 Jogging/athletic pants
2.1.5 Short pants or skorts (shorts in skirt style)
2.1.6 Tee shirts (with or without collar)
2.1.7 Micro-mini skirts
2.1.8 Tank tops/spaghetti strap tops and backless tops
2.1.9 Rubber shoes/sneakers (tennis shoes, bowling shoes, golf shoes, and the like)
2.1.10 Slippers/sandals (rubber, beach, or leather)
2.1.11 Hiking boots
2.1.12 Safety/construction shoes
2.1.13 Flat slip-ons/mules (less than 1 inch heel)
2.1.14 Clogs and flip-flops/Japanese slippers

2.2 Friday Dress Code

During Fridays employees may wear smart casual clothes. Restrictions set forth in Section 2.1 are relaxed for items 2.1.1, 2.1.2, 2.1.3, and 2.1.9 above.

2.3 Saturday Dress Code

Saturday is considered as dress down day. Employees can wear any attire they are comfortable in; however, wearing of vulgar, offensive, or obscene clothing is prohibited.

heyng? we can wear jeans and rubbershoes, but no t-shirts, collar or no collar? sure they posted some suggested combinations for the friday thing. i wish i could get a copy just so i can post it here. the combinations look good, but you have to be wearing a lacoste shirt, marks and spencer pants, and diesel shoes or any other permutation of the same brands for the combinations to work. duh.

they want us to become fashion victims.

ha! they thought they'll get the better of me! ha! i used to watch miami vice too!

i figured the best way to get around the no-t-shirt policy is to wear a blazer over the shirt.

so, if you see someone wearing white rubbershoes, casual pants, a t-shirt and a blazer on a friday, that would be me. solving crime.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

a break from tradition

for how many years now i have been celebrating my birthday in exactly the same way. i send my friends text messages with the following missive:

"spaghetti and chicken. my house"

friends from high school, college, and law school show up. and recently, office mates. we do the same thing - eat up a storm, drink till the wee hours of the morning.

it was a constant thing, and one i looked forward to every year. there is comfort in habit and tradition.

this year, however, was different. we didn't have a maid to clean up after the mess we were bound to make, and dennis (chief cook on my birthdays) was leaving for abroad the next day. he shouldn't get tired. and i was coming from work.

so my sister decided to just eat out.

i hesitated, initially. some of the hesitation sprung from my reluctance to spend so much, and some from my reluctance to break my birthday party tradition (a tradition in my head, that is).

we went anyways, my sister offering to foot the bill, and me convincing myself it was bound to be fun.

it was fun. we ended up in saisaki/dads/kamayan, eating buffet. there was a group of singers there, with 2 guitars and one big guitar (don't know what it's called). they serenaded us, we requested for "dancing queen" and "sasakyan kita" just for the heck of it.

then we played billiards. i played a bad game, but it was all in good fun. the bikini open at the billiard hall was not in good fun though. still, when we could ignore them already, we did.

i went home smiling, and happy. change is not a bad thing, i said to myself. sure we didn't get our spaghetti and chicken. or drink till morning. but the important elements were there -- two of my sisters, my brother in law, my sister's boyfriend, my friends who mattered - i couldn't ask for more.

thank you. this birthday will go down in the books as one of the best.

why i didn't sleep a wink.

the night before my birthday i went out with my sister and her boyfriend. around midnight the text messages came in, and the guy singing up front greeted me, and i got kisses all around.

we went home around 2 am and i went back to reading my book. around 430 am, i decided to just wait for the sunrise -- so i went outside, looked for a good place to perch on, and waited for the sun.

it was a marvelous morning. i watched the mist over the fields settle, then dissipate. i watched the shadowed trees turn green with the coming of the light. where i initially i saw bats, i saw birds.

i felt the air becoming a little warmer and i reveled at the miracle that is called sunrise. i felt like i was the only person awake in the whole wide world.

then i saw lights coming on in my neighbors' houses. i heard the sounds and smelled the aroma of cooking. showers being turned on.

the world was waking up around me.

eventually i went back to the house and continued reading. i didn't get a nap till about 3 pm. over 30 hours awake and i was still smiling.

spent time with myself, and that, i think, was the perfect gift i could have gotten.

turning 30 wasn't so bad. :D it still isn't.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

the half-blood prince

just finished reading the new harry potter book. don't worry, no spoilers here. it's just that... sigh.


we're having another baby! (still not me.) go figure. :D

Thursday, July 14, 2005

haven't slept a wink

i watched the sun rise this morning.

it's 8:12. 30 years.

things i would have done differently, a lot.

things i should have said, a lot.

things i shouldn't have said, a lot.

people i shouldn't have loved, none.

people i should have loved, a lot.

regrets -- none at all.

it's been a good life, tears and pain notwithstanding. thanks, Big Guy.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

PS. I think I'm now addicted to calamansi juice.

so writes neil gaiman as a post script to his july 11 journal entry, and perhaps to his philippine tour too.

i think it must have taken a herculean effort on his part to keep on smiling at 12 midnight when his hand must have seemed like a strange attachment to his wrist.

i was there at rockwell when he read an excerpt from anansi boys. i was there when he said that we make more noise than the brazilians, but are a little less mad. and i screamed along with the crowd for him to take off his shirt.

i was also at gateway yesterday to have a book signed. i witnessed several people walking on air after the signing. some were sobbing from sheer awe and joy, and some from frustration at having to line up from the fully booked store to aurora boulevard.

i got a little irritated that i only got to have 2 items signed when my pass guaranteed 4. the fact that the guy who took my picture took a sucky one didn't help any. (will still post it here though.) but i didn't complain. i didn't have to line up from the 3rd floor to the goddamned street.

the experience was well worth it. he's a nice guy, and he looks like a really yummy rockstar.

funny though. while i was having a book signed (all the while knowing he would not be averse to a hug and a smack) i made no move to go near him. just made idle talk to while away the time. i realized i was a fan of his creative mind, and that was just fine with me.

i left the place smiling and oddly sated.

thank you, neil. maybe someday you'll get more of that calamansi juice.

Friday, July 08, 2005

"ako." what's wrong with it?

saw this written on the seat of the bus:

"kenneth III-ii

mahal na mahal kita. sana pansinin mo na rin ME."


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

you know you're surrounded by lawyers when:

the invocation ends with " conclusion, dear Lord..."

Monday, July 04, 2005

elevator booboos

"i never went fat."

"you're so insecured."

"where are you located from?"

"the pain is standable naman"

since i'm on the 44th floor, i get to hear a lot of conversations in the elevator-- on my way up, and on my way down.

i don't mind, usually, except when they talk really loud about their personal lives which i don't care about much. check this conversation out:

girl 1: really? you talk about work when you're home? kahit na you work in the same place?

girl 2: of course! we're partners. we don't keep secrets from each other. the other night when we were about to sleep, she said....

okay. i have nothing against relationships. what the world needs now is love sweet love. but not in a crowded elevator. and i prefer not to know what couples do before they sleep. close man tayo o hindi. overshare, in my opinion.

still, it breaks the monotony. sometimes i hear jokes being exchanged and i end up smiling. sometimes whispered conversations which somehow carry make me go "aw."

i suppose my reactions really just depend on my mood.

or maybe i'm just insecured.

Friday, July 01, 2005

the day i watched my husband walk away

yes, my husband. or at least in a parallel universe.

tall. dark. handsome. with clean feet in leather sandals. (sorry, fetish.)

he just sat there listening to his earphones, hugging his bag. his head almost reached the ceiling of the jeep. i tried, oh how i tried, to not look at him. and failed miserably. he seemed stoic, then he smiled. my heart did little tiny flipflops. susmaryosep ang gwapo nga.

i have no doubt that we would look good together.

he got off at the same stop, and i was hoping against hope that he would be taking the same route. but he crossed the street. sigh.

i woulda married him. delectable guy that he is.

know what? for a moment there it was nice to fantasize about that guy. it made me smile.

can i stomp my feet and rant and rant?

moved to a different department in the office. different floor, different table.

i don't like my new cube. it's small and i don't have a place to put my magnetic poetry thingie and i have someone beside me and it's too quiet there and i can see all the people walking by and i don't have a window like in my old place and my friends are all three floors below and it's small and i don't have a place to put my magnetic poetry thingie!

my lower lip is sticking out so far i can actually see it without aid of a mirror. hmph.

actually i'm ranting about my office space because contemplating the state of the nation is too unbearable at the moment.