Saturday, July 30, 2005

losing the faith

i have always made it a point to go to church every sunday. i have been doing it all my life and i always found a certain amount of comfort and peace during mass. particularly when the people who don't know each other start singing together. of course people sing at concerts too, but it's not really the same thing.

last year however, i can't really pinpoint when, i decided not to go. at first it was just "i don't really feel like it." then i stopped going altogether. this year i have gone to church exactly 4 times. new year's day, ash wednesday, palm sunday, and easter sunday.

what happened?

i don't really know. it seems as if i've been wrestling with my demons for so long that i couldn't bring myself to go to church, even to go through the motions. it doesn't feel right.

i want to go back. i want to listen to the people singing in unison, even if i don't know the songs. i want the comfort and peace i used to find there, no matter how troubled i was. the few times i went, i was just as disturbed when i left as when i entered.

i want to go back. i want to know that no matter how badly i screwed up my life, i can always go to church and be absolved of my sins. it is the one place i am certain i will not be condemned. but i can't bring myself to attend mass.

strange. i know i can always go. but i guess i have to forgive myself some before i can.

di ko pa kayang humarap sa Diyos.

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:26 PM

    When The Winter's Gone (Song For A Stranger)
    by David Benoit and David Pack
    Lyrics by Jennifer Warnes

    Pardon me sir, I don't know who you are.
    But I think I see something in your eyes
    Though I could be wrong.

    Winter is here and all the roses lie deep beneath the snow
    That's where lovers go to hide from pain and sorrow.
    Never for sure when your luck will turn
    Waiting out that snowy day
    Hope for a cure that someday you'll learn
    Why love keeps on going when there's no one there.

    Pardon me sir, I think it's up from here.
    Take this one from me, one day you'll feel free to
    Fly away wherever you want to.
    Never can tell where the dawn will break
    When you find your shoulder to cry on.
    After a spell you won't feel the ache
    And you'll forget the corner you've been living in so long.

    You'll breathe a sigh and see it's time to move along
    Just a little stronger when the winter's gone.
    When the winter's gone.

    ---it's like you always say....and this too shall pass...

    your ate

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  2. Hello Jessie. I'm sure I'm not in a position to give you advice on this expecially since I am not a regular church goer myself, but perhaps you can go there when there is no mass. Just sit there and while your time away. It's quite peaceful.

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  3. hi watson. thanks. i just might do that. :)

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  4. Anonymous3:43 PM

    church is one sanctuary.. any other place can be a sanctuary...the most important thing is a personal relationship with Christ.one where you can freely communicate with each other,..like friends.

    2t

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  5. hi, bloghopping here from watson's. you know, a very wise (and faith-ful) person told me, the times when you don't feel like going? THAT'S the time when you really NEED to go....

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  6. thanks stef. that's sound advice. will take it to heart. :)

    (would have left a comment on your food blog but it didn't seem appopriate. :))

    ReplyDelete