i have always made it a point to go to church every sunday. i have been doing it all my life and i always found a certain amount of comfort and peace during mass. particularly when the people who don't know each other start singing together. of course people sing at concerts too, but it's not really the same thing.
last year however, i can't really pinpoint when, i decided not to go. at first it was just "i don't really feel like it." then i stopped going altogether. this year i have gone to church exactly 4 times. new year's day, ash wednesday, palm sunday, and easter sunday.
i don't really know. it seems as if i've been wrestling with my demons for so long that i couldn't bring myself to go to church, even to go through the motions. it doesn't feel right.
i want to go back. i want to listen to the people singing in unison, even if i don't know the songs. i want the comfort and peace i used to find there, no matter how troubled i was. the few times i went, i was just as disturbed when i left as when i entered.
i want to go back. i want to know that no matter how badly i screwed up my life, i can always go to church and be absolved of my sins. it is the one place i am certain i will not be condemned. but i can't bring myself to attend mass.
strange. i know i can always go. but i guess i have to forgive myself some before i can.
di ko pa kayang humarap sa Diyos.