Wednesday, November 06, 2013

get rich quick?

and sometimes, out of sheer boredom, you actually create an account.

but i get it. i get how referral works. hmmm. now let's see if this is a scam.


will update if it is or it isn't.

Saturday, May 04, 2013

they don't make songs like this any more

one less bell to answer


heart of the matter

it's strange how emotional pain translates to physical pain. how heartbreak can feel so solid and palpable right around the region of your chest, and your stomach.


Tuesday, April 09, 2013

araw ng kagitingan

in english it means day of valor. today the filipinos celebrate the courage and perseverance of the veterans who fought in the war.

while everybody remembers the veterans, today my family remembers daddy.

trust daddy to choose to go on a national holiday.

sometimes i forget that daddy is gone. it's just like when i was in college and law school. i'd be in manila, and daddy and mommy would be in baguio. lately, since mommy's abroad, it feels exactly like college.

except daddy would always call. or i would call the house and daddy would pick up. it's when i remember that daddy will not call me again that i feel the pain of loss. the void that daddy left behind. some days it just passes, like an elusive breeze on a summer day. other days the pain lingers and leaves behind an almost palpable trace.

but it's amazing how daddy has touched the lives of many, ensuring that our lives, too will be touched.

just today i received several novels from the daughter of someone who worked with daddy. she remembers daddy so fondly, and found me on a social networking site through a common friend. we have struck up a friendship, and the novels are the second care package i have received from her. we have never met personally and yet i feel that because of daddy's connection to her family, i have known her all my life.

and then there's a long lost relative who took a shot in the dark and emailed my sister, asking her about daddy. she and her sister remember daddy and have photos of him when he was, what, 16? even at a young age daddy was mr. congeniality. he had made them feel so welcome, and now they have welcomed us into their lives. they love food, and travel, and family. so much like us, and yes, i feel like i've known them all my life.

it's been two years. it feels like yesterday and it feels like forever.

but fate has a way of making us feel better. yesterday we got free pizza, today we got free dimsum buffet. i'd like to think daddy had a hand in it and just wanted to treat us today. thank you daddy. thank you for leaving behind bits and pieces of yourself that find their way to us in some way or another. i only wish mommy and my other ates were here to commemorate with us.

today we honor the veterans. and i remember my daddy.

Sunday, March 31, 2013


a new life, maybe.

and yet i cannot help but feel that a part of me will no longer live again.

Friday, March 29, 2013

good friday...

Helen Reddy - I Don't Know How To Love Him (1971)

good dreams

woke up from a good dream and forced myself to sleep again to go back to that dream. i succeeded.

but it was just a dream.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

it's when the quiet settles in, when everybody's resting, or right before i sleep, or immediately after i wake, that i think of you.

and i marvel at how easily you had stopped caring about me. i hurt you so bad that you feel i do not even deserve any attention. i am beginning to wonder now if you even read my text, or if you deleted it without reading. does it even matter now?you are gone.


this time 2 years ago i was practically living in the hospital, in a hijacked room on the pediatric floor (few children got sick that time, thankfully). i had a broadband stick, my laptop, and a couple of suits in the room. my secretary would bring paperwork to me.

daddy was in the CICU that time, with a tube down his throat to help him breathe.

he'd write things on a piece of paper if he wanted anything and it was an ordeal for him, this strongman who hated inactivity and who prided himself on being able to explain things in his booming voice.

i'd visit with him a few hours each day, since the CICU really did not allow visitors. daddy had his stream of visitors, though, and no one could stop them. except mommy, who would halt the influx of visitors when daddy got tired.

i really thought he would recover. i really did.

we all did.

i never confided in daddy. we did not have that kind of relationship. but i drew strength from him, and mommy. and i miss him so. he always knew that he could make things right, even if we were skeptical. his unwavering faith and determination knew no bounds.

wherever you are daddy (well, i know you're right behind me reading this, but humor me) i know you are happy and healthy and having a grand time with whoever is there. worry not about those you left behind. we are doing okay.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

it is finished.

or so says one post on facebook. the lenten meditation for today, wednesday is "it is finished."

how apt.

i guess i reached a point where i feel that all the cliches known to man (and woman) apply to me. i will spare you the gory details but yes, there it is. all the cliches. all the songs on the radio. every quote posted.

every single thing applies to you. and you feel that life is every bit as unfair as everybody says it is. and you realize that life doesn't stop.

and you go on. it is finished.

and you begin again.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Promises - Eric Clapton

can't get this song out of my head.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

rainy days and tuesdays

yesterday was a slightly hectic day, with a regular hearing, a grievance hearing, and a consultation, on top of other deadlines.

a friend from manila also arrived and we had coffee.

nonetheless, it was a productive day.

today is... well today is tuesday and it's dreary. with rains coming down in the middle of march (can anybody say climate change???) it's become a slow, sleepy, tuesday afternoon.

the coffee refuses to wake me up.


Monday, March 11, 2013

coming home

first time to drive by myself from manila to baguio. considering that i traveled during the day it was a pretty light trip.

i enjoyed the drive. only a few trucks on the road, and a little more than few idiots with driver's licenses. it helped that i had a playlist for driving. familiar songs kept me company, and i didn't even feel the 5+ hours on the road.

it was cold when i got home and i realized how much i miss our house. the bank of windows, the humongous round table, the wooden... everything. this had been a sanctuary for me, and i almost always feel at peace here.

of course it didn't help that the car's alarm decided to go wonky last night and engaged itself every hour or so. but, me being me, i fell asleep immediately as soon as my head hit the pillow.

and i feel daddy's presence here. comforting and secure. i do miss mommy though. but i will see her soon.

yes, it is good to be home.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

tipping point

when you see friends and family members being abused by their spouses you end up wondering how much more they will take. specially when it comes to psychological abuse. because really, i've gone beyond my own tipping point just witnessing things.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

downcast and dreary

woke up to a gray, rainy day.

it has been unbearably sunny the past few days, and sometimes it was more than i could take. i guess there are just some days when you want the weather to just go with your mood.

several chapters closed. there's a mood damper for you.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

missing mommy

since daddy died i had been mommy's constant companion. we slept on the same bed and i rearranged my life practically so i could be with her.

some friends asked if this seemed like a burden to me, a question which surprises me no end because i genuinely enjoy spending time with mommy. but then again, not all moms are like mommy, i guess.

mommy is just as crazy, if not crazier, as i am. we would spend hours watching tv, or playing games on our respective ipads, or just talk. we would look at each other and laugh, getting the joke immediately.

she became my travel buddy, and we flew to europe, japan, and the US together, having a blast at airport lounges and comparing notes on the travel amenities of the different airlines.

i brought her to the US last year so she can get her permanent resident status, in preparation for citizenship. but i had to go back for work early this year, leaving mommy behind with my sister.

i miss her. it has been 36 days since i left the US. it seems longer. this is the longest i have been away from her since april 2011. i guess i feel out of sorts.

thank heavens for technology. we spoke yesterday via video call. it was my nephew's 7th birthday and it was pirate themed. 


today is the start of the chinese new year. according to their calendar, it is the year of the water snake.

i suppose it is as good a time as any to revisit my blog, particularly since i've decided to be done with facebook, twitter, and instagram. at least for now.

i am tired of social media. i'm going back to the old school way of keeping in touch. well, maybe not old school. just the regular use of a phone and email.

my current phone is quite helpful as it is an old iphone 3g that does not allow the installation of apps because its operating system is quite old. that suits my mood just fine.

who knows, maybe one of these days i'll just deactivate all my accounts altogether. we'll see.