Saturday, December 01, 2007

wala lang.

took the 430 pm bus from manila yesterday. veteran traveler that i am i had a blanket with me, a bonnet, a warm sweater, and thick socks in my bag for back up.

it was still warm when we left manila but i had a blanket out. to my surprise, the young lady beside me had a blanket too, which made me smile. we got comfortable and as i am wont to do when i travel, i slept.

the bus got colder as the night wore on. at some point i took my socks out and wore them, and covered my head with the blanket because it was freezing in the bus. with all my covering i was still cold and i could feel my face getting colder by the minute.

i took a quick glance around the bus and saw this guy and his girlfriend, huddled against the cold. i couldn't help but tsk tsk when i saw that the guy had no jacket on, and the girl was wearing a tiny thin windbreaker, which is useless in mobile freezers like the one we were in.

i felt a tinge of envy, though, because frankly, i would have preferred a warm body to snuggle up to. instead, i had my winter clothing keeping me warm.

oh well, at the end of the trip he was still freezing, and i was a bit warm. can't win 'em all.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

badong, the latest victim

sab told me about teddy te's post.

my first reaction was, 'tangnang mga 'to.

wasn't it bad enough that under raul's deanship the better professors left the college? wasn't it bad enough that they put dean agabin on instructor status?. wasn't it bad enough that they installed professors who had no idea what "teaching" entailed?

dean badong is well loved. he taught us so well that even now, off the top of my head, i can answer questions about public office and administrative law. we have such fond memories of his stories in class, of him whistling "stella by starlight," of him teaching us what it was to be good by example, all the while teaching law in the grand manner.

these professors make me almost ashamed to be from the same college. the only saving grace is that people like badong and agabin come from the same place. like someone once said "up law has had its share of heroes and scoundrels."

go figure under which category those people on the public statement fall under.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

do the math

the government subsidy for each inmate in the city jail is 10 pesos or roughly .23 cents per day.

that covers their food and who knows what else.

10 pesos for 3 meals. 3.33 pesos per meal.

i couldn't even begin to imagine living on that kind of budget.

get this. inmates are charged 10 pesos for every call they make or take. if their lawyers need to call them 3 times in 1 day, they pay 30 pesos.

i'm just a lawyer. mahina ako sa math. pero 'nyeta naman. kahit ako kaya kong i-compute yan. at kahit paano ko bali-baliktarin ang mga numero, hindi tatama.

what a fucked up system.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

all work and no play...

makes you, well, you.

hmm. you probably don't even read this, but i suppose it's applicable to all workaholics out there.

you miss meals, breaks with your colleagues, and only manage to squeeze in coffee and cigarette breaks. you stay in the office late, you wear a permanent frown, you have practically cut yourself off from the rest of the living world.

but you know what? work will always be there. it will never go away. when you wake up tomorrow, it will be there waiting for you. you may manage to make a dent in your work load, but it will still be there.

but life? life is passing you by.

don't let it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

i'd take the jugs over the fox any day

"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" is commonly believed to be the only English sentence devised to include all the letters of the alphabet. However, typesetters and designers have alternatively employed "Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs."

Saturday, November 17, 2007

the last time i checked...

i was still pinoy. so why is it that i've been receiving mails from people who claim to have added me as a friend on siliconindia which claims to be, and i quote:

"an invite-only career Indian community. You can use SiliconIndia to find a job or internship, network, and access valuable career information from peers and industry professionals."

what's this world coming to?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


man 1: pang-ilan ka sa pamilya?
man 2: ah. second...second to the first.

Friday, November 02, 2007

what is my second language?

i was making burger patties earlier when i overheard a tv patrol host reporting about some guy named kimmel who made another comment about the Philippines. according to the report, this abc host said that filipinos probably don't speak english. you can read about that here.

i was taken aback. it's nothing new, really. i've heard this comment so many times, couched in different tones and tenors, and accompanied by various expressions. i have found myself explaining why i speak not just english, but GOOD english, all the time feeling outrage that these idiots who probably speak and write lousy english dare ask the question. (it's my blog. :D)

it's nothing new. but i was taken aback because for the the past 6 weeks i have been lamenting that my nephews and niece speak lousy TAGALOG. or as it's referred to now -- filipino. oh, they have the english language down pat, with one of them even using the word "minions" in an ordinary conversation.

i get pissed at the teachers who berate the children for speaking filipino. i get on my sister's case because she insists on talking to her children in english, even when they're at home. they probably couldn't speak filipino to save their lives.

and it's not just my sister's children. i see it everywhere. children who speak perfect english but who get tongue-tied when you ask them what "kisame" means.

where does that leave us?

english is our medium of instruction. according to our constitution, our national language is FILIPINO, but "for purposes of COMMUNICATION and INSTRUCTION, the official languages of the Philippines are Filipino and, until otherwise provided by law, English."

communication and instruction. filipino and english. it says "and" in the constitution. so why is it that schools employ one to the exclusion of the other? parents use one to the exclusion of the other.

why am i writing this in english?

shameful as it is to admit, i think in english. and i write english better than i do filipino. but like most from my generation, english was spoken in school, filipino at home (or ilocano for most of my classmates). it was an okay arrangement, i suppose. i mean, i still speak filipino well (and a smattering of ilocano), and i CAN write in filipino to save my life.

so why aren't things the same now? why does my niece's ate try so hard to speak english even though "look here" comes out as "look to here" or "shrimp" ends up as "shrim."


i know my first language should be filipino, if not ilocano since i am from baguio. but i don't have the same confidence in my filipino speaking abilities as that of my english speaking skills.

going back to my opening paragraph, why did that kimmel comment not generate the same outrage as teri hatcher's comments about filipino doctors?

is it because it's true? is it because the so-called text speak is killing our language abilities (this is totally off topic, ano?). is it because we know that our english is declining, and in my opinion, so is our filipino.

so many questions generated by one comment overheard.

i laid down a policy in the house that the kids should only speak filipino when they are here. they are having a very difficult time of it, and mostly i relent when they talk to me in english.

i guess sometimes i would rather hear them speak english instead of having to listen to them murder the filipino language.

what is my first language?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


do you sometimes wish that you were anywhere else except where you're at?

anywhere. but here.

update to the shelfari fiasco

yesterday i posted about the fiasco concerning shelfari.

i left a message on the feedback portion of the site, telling them about my (and karen's) dilemma. danny from shelfari replied this morning.

he said that he will add my email address to a list of addresses from which no reminders would be sent.

i figured it was best considering the circumstances. plus, he said that there's an option in the reminder email for the recipient to not be sent any more mail from shelfari.

sigh. that'll learn me.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

can you hear me creaking?

i've been making pleadings for the past two weeks and i hadn't really realized how totally rusty i was when i typed this in:

highlighted italicized quote from supreme court...(emphasis HOURS)

hours? hours?? hours????

i went out to get coffee. to oil the brain.


shelfari fiasco

okay. so there i was, happily putting virtual books on my virtual shelf when i thought i'd search for some friends who have joined shelfari too. so i let the thing search my contact list.

happy happy! i found some friends and their names were all checked. so i added them. only to find out that when i hit enter and scrolled down, ALL the people i've ever sent email to for the past 3 years, even that girl i picked a fight with for sending me the wrong item on ebay got sent an invitation!

hell i even sent myself an invitation to join shelfari.

the only consolation i got was that karen had the same dilemma. hahahah.

oh well. may i be forgiven for spamming. however inadvertently. :D

Saturday, October 13, 2007

on hair loss and dandruff

i got a massage the other day and the masseuse noticed that my hair is thinning.

it has always been a cycle for me to lose hair occasionally, specially when stressed, or when my hormones are going particularly wild.

anyway, the masseuse said i should get calamansi and rub it into my scalp before i sleep. she swears by it.

so i thought i'd use technology (the internet) to research superstition (or so i thought). apparently there's scientific basis for her claims, which i will not get into at the moment. but i will quote a post in a forum of pinoys in japan. this is from user "puting tainga" and i quote:

Ayon sa isang doctor, if you have balakubak, it means you need more Vitamin B.
Corn, wakame (the seaweed), are the things you can get Vitamin B easily. (At saka mura. Mahal ang mga gamot o supplements.)

As for the hair loss, read the Bible and be comforted.
When the bad kids teased Elisha for his baldness, two bears appeared and killed them all. (2 Hari 2:23-24)
The hairs of your head are all numbered. (Mateo 10:30)

I hope this will help you.

made my morning. hope it makes yours. :)

Thursday, October 11, 2007


i am officially un-anonymous*.

had a hearing last tuesday, the first i have ever had to attend in baguio.

up till last tuesday i was happily anonymous in the courts here. i can walk in and out of the hall of justice in shorts and a ratty shirt and no one would pay any attention to me.

unfortunately during the hearing i was interrogated by the judge regarding the fact that there are 4 lady lawyers in our family (i am the last one to ever show up), one of whom used to be a prosecutor. people stared and i felt sad that i became known.

now i can't dance around the grocery aisles (as i am wont to do), paint the town red, or drive like a madman.

sigh. small towns.

i miss my anonymity already.

*not found in dictionaries. just seemed appropriate for this post.

Friday, September 28, 2007


sweet home.

a host of problems welcomed me home but heck, i'm home. i will savor that thought. the problems can wait.

it's good to be back. :)

Saturday, September 22, 2007


finally have time to blog, and guess what. i don't know where to begin.

maybe i could backtrack and start from the end.

in a few days i'll be flying home. i can't wait to get home and be surrounded by pinoys.

i've been away for almost 3 months. for someone on vacation, that's a long time. for someone working abroad, that's just a tiny nick in the fabric of time for an OFW, but i'll get to that later.

it's been crazy these past 3 months. i have almost 5000 pictures, several wounds, newly developed muscle groups, some new clothes and shoes, and new expressions to show for the past 3 months. i've ridden trains, trams, and buses and i'm sure if i took the time out i'd be able to count the number of rides i've taken. i drove to germany from the netherlands and back. i drove from milan to rome and back. i rode a sleeper train, a gondola, a vaporetto. i've done so much walking my feet feel like they walked from baguio to pampanga. (thank the italians for superbly designed shoes)

i will post slowly but surely when i get home.

i've missed blogging. i look forward to doing it again.

few more days and i'll be home. home.


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


too many things happening to blog. will get to it one of these days. in the meantime:


Monday, July 09, 2007

we've got contact!!!

after almost 5 days of having no internet (ran an antivirus that killed my internet connection), i'm back on track!

will be posting soon. but probably not here. too many pictures.

so there. suffice it to say that i'm fine, we're all fine, and it's a rainy summer here at the hague.

Friday, June 22, 2007

all my bags are packed....


our flight was supposed to be for this morning. fortunately it got moved since i only brought my laundry home yesterday, they got washed yesterday...and it rained.

i haven't packed, haven't cleared my laptop (leaving it with my sister), haven't finished the last papers i should have accomplished for the firm, haven't gotten a haircut, haven't done so many things.

you'd think i'm only preparing for a week long trip, not the three month sojourn i quit my job for. :P

but i have always traveled light. i learned that early on when i overpacked for a trip to leyte, and ended up lugging an entire bag of unused clothes home. these days i pack a single bag for a week-long trip, with a fanny pack for all the essentials i should keep on my person. it's easier too since i hardly ever check in my bags 'cept when i have to bring contact lens solution.

so there. in a couple of days i'll be outta here. when i get back... who knows.

i'll post as soon as i get there. take care of you.

jam jam jam at conspi

Thursday, May 31, 2007

uprooted, again.

yesterday i found out that i have to clear out my apartment within 15 days. it came as a surprise as i had been looking for someone to house-sit for me while i am away.

i took it calmly at first, then i gave in and cried some.

that apartment is the only other home i've ever known. it was the place where i got a room all to myself, where i could come and go as i please, where i could whip up something if i got hungry, where i could just sit by the window and stare at the fields below.

it's been a year of upheavals, i suppose. and it's not even june yet.

so let me get this straight -- i sold kojak, a car i've been driving for the past 8 or so years, i'm quitting the job i've been in for the past 3 years, and i'm giving up the apartment-- a home i've lived in for the past 6 years.

it's a bit too much to take in but there you go.

i feel a bit lost.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

putting it away

yesterday i went through my yahoo message archives, looked for a particular name, then started reading the scant set of messages there. i found myself smiling like an idiot over a chat session about dragons. the same session made me want to cry a bit. some made me laugh out loud, and still others made me want to strangle that person to within an inch of his life.

i went through the lot, i closed the archive, i put it away.

then i said goodbye.

pity. would have been nice to get to know you better.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

47 years later....

my parents.

i look at them and i believe there's something suspiciously similar to forever.

happy 47th anniversary mommy and daddy. love you.

i don't ask for much

really i don't. it's simple. i ask you something, you reply. that's not much, right?

i send you a perfectly reasonable question via text or email and you just ignore it. at least acknowledge the question. you don't even have to answer. just acknowledge it.


Monday, May 21, 2007

inane question

do you think chickens develop allergic reactions to feathers?

'twas just a thought.

Friday, May 18, 2007


him: that's my soul-searching song
her: really? have you found your soul?
him: yes. when i found you.

Monday, May 14, 2007

quiet time

it's a few minutes before 8 am. am in baguio and everyone's asleep, as people here are wont to do during holidays.

here i am in a wing chair, with my feet up and my laptop on my lap (heck, where else). i can see the sunlight streaming through the french windows from where i'm sitting. i can smell the coffee brewing (our helper is here) and i can hear whatever she's cooking sizzle.

these are the sounds of home. in a while the kids will be awake and will start running around. my dad will be up telling us to go out and vote. in an hour or so we will all be sitting around the round table discussing stuff and most probably arguing about politics and why we should or should not vote for a particular candidate.

home. for the past several years i've been practically a transient here. the clothes i have kept here will fit into a tiny knapsack. i don't have a room anymore and the stuff i left behind here are all packed in boxes.

i've lived in manila for almost 15 years, with a year long break after i graduated in '98 and before i went to law school. and for the past 4 years i've been mostly supporting myself (mostly because my parents and my sisters do hand me stuff when they feel like it).

i have been away from home for so long that i can actually count the friends i have here using the fingers from both hands only. most of my friends here have left for manila, for the us, for europe, basta, for elsewhere.

why am i going on and on and on about this????

i handed in my resignation last friday, and with that, i gave up most of my independence.

so here i am, contemplating my life and the implications of giving up my job.

carlo's awake and so is mommy. breakfast calls.

Friday, May 11, 2007

and i'm taking the kids with me

handing in my resignation today. i feel strange.

Friday, May 04, 2007

just for kicks.

How smart are you?

no offense meant. this is what boredom does

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

ang sagot sa tanong ni margareth roth

naka shades ako sa loob ng opisina. tanong ni margareth roth kung bakit. sabi ko kasi nasisilaw ako. ang tanong niya: bakit ka nasisilaw?

ang sagot ay:

kasi dati nakahandusay ako sa upuan para di ako masilaw ng araw at noo ni a****. at dahil nakahandusay ako, mali ang pwesto ng kamay ko. at dahil mali, sumasakit ang kamay at braso ko. at dahil masakit na ang kamay at braso ko, inangat ko na ang chair ko at di na ko nakasalampak. at dahil nakaangat ang chair ko nakikita ko na ang araw. ayan..

i, thank you. bow.

Monday, April 23, 2007

what you don't know won't hurt you

i am a firm believer of that statement, which is why i have consistently refused to have a fortune teller read my well, fortune.

last friday, however, i was at r.k.'s birthday party (belated and congratulations again! i so proud). she had a friend who bought tarot cards and he seemed so nice and wacky (in a good way) that i just let him go at it.

there were a lot of oh wows and oh mys when he read my cards, as well as my palm. thankfully there were no dire predictions, but a lot of confirmations. it was a party after all.

bottom line was...well he told me i will end up happy. and everything else aside, that was a good thing.

oh, and now i have to watch my powerful finger and be careful that i don't abuse it. go figure. :)

Sunday, April 22, 2007

are you in heat?

earth day.

if there is one thing that should push us all to become environmentalists, it's this freaking sweltering heat.

sweating in unmentionable places is just so &%$^%*#*%^^*&#*^!


Sunday, April 15, 2007

few things compare

nothing beats being around kids. the family vacation in tagaytay was one of the first outings we had where NOBODY worked. the laptop was merely for transferring photos.

all in all a good weekend. will post more pictures soon.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

a totally zen weekend

i'm shedding all over the place but that's alright. spent the weekend under the sun, in the water, pigging out...exactly what i needed.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


this song has been playing in my head. over and over and over. it's a song from sister stella l (which i never got to watch).

i've yet to find a recording of the song though. but if you want to hear it, noel cabangon sings it wednesdays at conspiracy garden cafe(shameless plug). susan fernandez sings it too.


walang komplikasyon sa buhay mo noon
kalooban mo'y panatag, kalangitan ay maliwanag
ang daan ay tuwid at patag
sa buhay mo noon.

ngunit bawat pusong naglalakbay
dumarating sa sangandaan
ngayong narito ka
kailangang magpasya
aling landas ang susundin ng puso?
saan ka liligaya?
saan mabibigo?
saan ka tutungo?

kay daling sumunod sa hangin at agos
aasa ka na ang dalangin
gagabay sa 'yong damdamin
ngunit saan ka dadalhin
ng hangin at agos?

alam mong bawat pusong nagmamahal
dumarating sa sangandaan
ngayong narito ka
kailangang magpasya
aling landas ang susundin ng puso?
saan ka liligaya?
saan mabibigo?
saan ka tutungo?

saan nga ba?

Monday, March 26, 2007

almost full circle

clicked randomly on the links in my archives and i hit this. posts disclosing the reason i started working and some other posts before and after i started working.

i never did get the dx6490. some months after i started working a new model came out in the market. i didn't get that either.

it's been 3 years and i still don't have a digital camera. oh well. 3 years later and i'm still at the same job, with a different title, and a slightly higher salary.

other concerns got in the way, i suppose. instead of saving for my camera i figured i'd have kojak fixed some. i got lost in a bookstore once. i started visiting places around the philippines. buying clothes. a new knapsack. something always got in the way.

things are going to come full circle soon. then maybe i'll get that digital camera.

you're smart. figure it out.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Monday, March 19, 2007


how do you say speechless when it comes to writing?

the thing i hated most about working was that it cut into my writing time. back when i was bumming around, or even when i was still in school and reviewing for the bar, i used to just whip out my handy dandy notebook and write stuff down. sometimes i made do with bank receipts, parking tickets, grocery tape receipts, table napkins, paper placemats and what have you. i was never without a pen and even waiting in line gave me a chance to put my thoughts into words.

when i started working i found myself getting rusty. i used to be able to just go through the database that is my brain and pick out the exact word or phrase to describe what i was feeling or thinking. stories popped out of the woodwork and the words just flowed.

lately i noticed that the words don't come as easily. i have to sit back and think of that one word that i knew existed but couldn't find. sometimes it would take only seconds. most of the time it takes a host of minutes, or even hours before my brain cooperates.

i miss the spontaneity. i miss writing poems about anything and everything. i miss writing letters just because.

i'm still rusty. i find myself having to read my writing over and over again to make sure i got the tenses right, that the subject-verb agreement was correct, and that i had sentences that flowed into each other smoothly. these used to be second nature. i could write an essay and not have to look at it again, without worrying that things were somehow misplaced.

and the passion flickers. hell i used to write about lizards, zuma, being fat... anything and everything. but now...i always end up saying i'll write about it some other time. i never do.

this blog was created for two things -- to let steam out, and to make sure i kept on writing.

steam got out. but the writing part got stalled every now and then.

maybe it's time for a new notebook. i have about 30 notebooks, some barely half-filled, but filled some nonetheless. maybe it's time for a change.

too many maybes.

maybe this will remind me of how easy it used to be. less than 5 minutes and still my favorite poem of all time:

as tears roll
sunlight glares
but the chill
stays untouched
in my soul
by the burning rays.

and now we are four

four years old! imagine that.

went through my archives and found out i only wrote about my blog's anniversary once.

so i'm greeting it today. happy anniversary blog!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

visa blues

just saw this lolo gets a visa.


nung disyembre nagpunta rin ako para mag-apply ng visa at gusto akong ipadala ng kumpanya. dami kong dalang papeles. titulo, sulat galing sa opisina, income tax ek-ek, at kung ano ano pa. matapos ang halos limang oras ng paghihintay (nakatulog na ako at nagising sa waiting area),
eto ang nangyari.

siya: hi, how are you?
ako: hi. am good....actually i'm tired. (sabay pa-cute na ngiti)
siya: yeah me too. so help me out here, what do you do?
ako: i'm a content engineer. i do analysis, sampling, and pricing for incoming projects.
siya: alright...oh, you got denied...oh, it's been a year. alright.

inabot na sa akin ang yellow slip para sa delivery ng passport. nung paalis na ako humirit pa:

siya: (pasigaw) are you any good?
ako: (pasigaw din, may i plip my hair, look ober my syolder, ngiting malaki, at sinabi ko) OH YEEEAAAAH.

ayun. nabigyan ako ng visa. ni hindi man lang tinignan ang aking sertipikeyt op taytol.

hay. minsan talaga malas ka. minsan swerte.

sadya ngang swerte-swerte lang pag umuulan.

Friday, March 09, 2007

it's been 10 years

somebody just said my eyes look dead. i don't know what to make of it. it's been 10 years since anybody's said that to me.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

and so i ramble.

saranggola sa ulan. that's the title of my favorite gary granada's song. (it's downloadable by the way. click here)).

literally it means "kite in the rain" and the song insists that ang bato, sa tubig ay lulutang. at lilipad ang saranggola sa ulan. (a stone (rock?) will float in the water. a kite will fly in the rain)

it's a hopeful song. and for someone whose heart is battered and bruised sometimes it's a bit difficult to swallow. to actually believe that miracles do happen.

i'm trying to work right now but the moon peeking outside my window is teasing me, making me feel all sentimental and overly melodramatic.

at times i wonder if i should have held on. never mind who it was i should have held on to. just to simply have held on. i wonder where i would be right now. married with kids perhaps. or separated. or struggling as a single mom. or still single and lonely sometimes.

waxing drama maybe, like i am now.

it gets to me sometimes, not having someone to go home to. but i do cope. all i do is head straight to conspiracy and ask the cook what's for dinner. if they have food they never hesitate to share it with me, even if the food really is just meant for the employees. they welcome me and it feels like home. and then going back to the apartment after dinner to sleep doesn't seem so bad.


it's women's day. happy women's day to all ladies out there.

i miss talking to you. thought i'd say (write?) it out loud. even if you never read my blog.

the moon's gone. i have to get back to work.

is this post even making sense?

why is it i always ask myself if i'm making sense?

Monday, February 26, 2007

where you eat your best

last saturday my sisters and i were talking about a very important topic. where to have lunch. we were in oakwood, preparing to go home but nobody wanted to eat in the makati area. we were calling out restaurant names when i had this brainstorm. RODIC's!

none of us graduated on time (well maybe ate lani but then she's a sorta kinda nerd so...let's leave her out of this) so we spent more years in UP than usual. and throughout our stay there (collectively around 13 years) there were 4 places that we frequented. rodic's, khaz food house, beach house, and the kalayaan isaw.

these three 4 places saw us through a lot of lean times. the isawan in particular for me because back then one stick of isaw cost only 1 peso. i used to buy rice at the coop, have the lady put some sauce on it, then buy 10 pieces of isaw. mighty filling at 15 pesoses! anyway back to saturday.

we were all in agreement that rodic's was IT! only to find out that traffic was hell along katipunan. but we braved it. the welcoming smiles on the faces of the staff (yes, they remembered us. we're too big to forget. hehehe) made us smile in turn. so we ordered food. there were 8 of us, including 1 kid and 1 infant. as you can see we had a fiesta.

everything was as good as we remembered. i suppose the good memories associated with the place helped. but it felt good to be back there eating. and the prices didn't hurt. P1113.00 for 8 people who actually ordered food good enough for twice that many.

by the end of the meal we were all smiling and full. we had some left-overs which we gave to some kids out back. all in all, a very good meal.

rodic's. where you do eat your best. give it a try some time.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

tell me again?

tell me again why i went to law school. why i went to interior design. why i'm working at 1030 in the evening. why i didn't go to culinary school. why i didn't take more units of creative writing. why i didn't go to masscom. why i didn't take up my sister's offer to work abroad. why i put up with bullshit. why i left baguio. why i didn't marry ____. or _____. or ______. why am i not at the beach drinking something alcoholic (without the tiny umbrella). why i didn't bother to apply for a master's degree. why i didn't go to bartending class.

why why why.

tell me again?

Monday, February 19, 2007

this made me guffaw. reminds me of someone.

small talk

"there must be a thousand things you would die for... i can hardly think of two..."

i could hardly think of two. really. or maybe just two. family and friends.

i'd be hard pressed to say i'd die for my country. i probably won't even let my skin be scratched for my country. and though, yes, i say my piece for the philippines, sometimes it just becomes an oft-repeated lip service.

then i go to conspi and i encounter people who take to the streets to protest acts that are not even directed at them. i go to uncle tats to play billiards with people who work day in day out to better the living conditions of farmers. i listen to my dad trying to find ways to make things better for people who don't deserve to be given the time of day. and i watch my mom work with different organizations for the poor, the marginalized, and at the same time run a school for preschool kids who can't afford the skyrocketing tuition fees of private schools.

i think about my job and my other activities. damn. am i really my parents' daughter?

i am sheltered in my comfort zone. i work in makati for a company that... never mind that. i wake up thinking i'd take part in something worthwhile, but i'm too lazy. it takes too much effort. so i turn over and sleep some more.

i avoid looking at squatter areas, and when i do, it's often with a derogatory comment or two. sure there are those who have money but squat anyways. but what of those who don't have a penny to their name?

i avoid looking at kids who beg, thinking their parents and the government should be the ones doing something. why should i bother?

and i feel disgusted at myself. but not enough to do anything.

i write this post and i feel enough fire and passion to start doing something and yet, it's too hot out.*

i wonder if i will find anything outside of friends and family that i'd be willing to die for. i hope i do. and i hope it won't be too late.

*pay me no mind. just thinking out loud.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

kahapon natapos na ang bukas

hmmm. in a few hours you managed to make me forget that i actually liked you and have in fact been missing you for the past few weeks.

so i guess...thanks. i'm no longer torn up over you.

we could have been friends.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

i spoke too soon

all my plans for the day are shot. sometimes i wonder if working here is really worth my time.

so far so good

so far it's been good.

happy valentine's day all. have a good one.

Friday, February 09, 2007

my siopao's one!

siopao is one today. :)

world gone mad

my world, at least.

a month and a half into the new year and i feel like i'm going through an endless roller coaster ride. so many ups and downs and sometimes i can't help but feel like i'm being blown around by a whimsical wind.

i'm not myself. or maybe i am. maybe i'm just lonely so i go and do things to dull that loneliness. things. with consequences that make me want to slap myself upside the head.

no worries though. at least not yet.

i guess i need a break to settle myself. a day at the beach or in the mountains. with stretches of nothingness to soothe my weary head.

the prospect is so appealing i want to go now. right this moment. but i have to work.

maybe i have to resign to take a break. that thought bears consideration.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

sometimes i'm so stupid i amaze me

here's the thing. i decided to change the look of my blog, using blogger's drag and drop thing. and forgot to save the old template.

lost all my links. sigh.

time for a change i suppose.

must think up a new name for my blog. after all, it's almost 4 years old.


i just want to sit back close my eyes and not think.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

i conspire

a few posts ago i said that i was sad that my happy place was subjected to a closure order.

it had been a very stressful week for us, and conrado de quiros finally spoke.

read his column today: conspirator.

i not so sad anymore.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

gumaganda ka...

i never know what to say every time someone says that. it's either i preen and say a flirty thank you, or i go on the defensive and say "so pangit ako noon?"

i would understand if i've been taking steps to "beautify" myself. you know -- hair styling, make-up, diet (hehehe), wardrobe... the works. but i don't. (somehow, this comes off as very mayabang. pero nasimulan ko na eh. )

really, i've been getting a lot of comments like that. could be because i'm a lot more confident now (oo na mas mayabang ako ngayon) and i've outgrown my tattered jeans and tattered shirt phase. maybe not completely but some. could be na pangit talaga ako noon.

it's nice though, when people say it, and it's been a particularly bad day for me.

so i guess next time an ordinary thank you would be good. :)

Thursday, January 25, 2007

my happy place is sad

we got a closure order from city hall. so we're closed for tonight.

i sad.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

i have decided to let them live

went to the main office of lto this morning to get a duplicate license.

everything went well in the beginning, actually. got an application, filled it up, then went to wait for my name to be called. i was there at 9 am. i figured i still had plenty of time and i wasn't worried about being late for work.

9:30 i was still okay. bought a newspaper from an ambulant vendor, read some, answered the crossword puzzle.

10:00 i was beginning to feel hot and irritated.

10:30 i went to ask what was wrong. turns out i was just in time to have my picture taken. at the same time they informed us people waiting that they were experiencing a system slowdown. fine.

went back to my seat and finished the crossword. fished out a hanky and a fan and stared and stared and stared.

11:00 i went to the window and asked what was happening. system slowdown. same old same old. so i asked if the thing could be processed before lunchtime. hmmm. not likely. then that girl there asked if i would like to pull my papers out. DUH? i saw red.


she said that the license was going to be processed. but the system was now OFFLINE. i was so mad i was close to tears. why couldn't they at least give us an idea as to how many more hours we had to wait? then this other girl says it was almost lunchtime, so i was going to have to wait.

i was livid and out for blood. but i waited it out. then the announcement came. they told us to go to lunch.

i, being the stupid person that i am, was wearing heels. of all days. and i had to walk for about 300 meters in the noon heat just so i can go have lunch. i think i actually shed a tear or two.

12:30 i went back. to my relief they had decided to cut their lunch break and were back now back in business. i got called to have my picture taken again. apparently they have to take your picture twice if you lose your license.

i was told to wait. so wait i did.

1:00 some idiot starts waving a fan in my direction, asking for change.

me: may paypay ako.
him: ma'am sige na para hindi ka mapagod.
me: layuan mo ako mainit ulo ko.
him: ma'am papaypayan ko kayo.
me: sinabi nang layuan mo ako mainit ang ulo ko.
him: (keeps waving fan)

he finally walked away. then some guy from gma tv approaches me and apologizes. apparently it was a challenge they gave that poor soul. well too bad tough shit he caught me at a bad time.

1:30 i got called to pay and got my license in 15 minutes.

i look ready to kill in my license. sigh.

4 hours of waiting for a license i will only get to use for the next 6 months. that doesn't seem fair.

i wanted to strangle, maim, murder someone. but i in all my graciousness decided to let them live. what of the other people who need licenses?

they don't know how lucky they are.

they live to see another day.

Monday, January 22, 2007

do you ever get that feeling that every song that plays is mocking you?

i used to kid around that i had a dj in my head. every time something even remotely requiring attention happens to me or around me, some totally appropriate song from the vast music library that is my head plays.

lately it's been perverse and mocking. sometimes it plays not just one song for the moment in question, but two or three. that's not all. even the shuffle on my ipod is joining the fray. and the radio.

no i don't want to have love songs in my head about temptation and being shameless and a few words too many. and i don't want them playing on my ipod either. but the thing is, they DO play. and i can't do a thing about it. if i shut my ipod down, my inner dj starts playing songs in my head. if i do manage to shut that down too, radio music from some remote speaker takes up the slack.

the universe playing tricks on me. mean tricks.

could be sending me a message though. telling me to face things i've been avoiding. pushing me to soul-search, you think?

i'm not ready. so i guess till i am, i'm going to have to endure listening to music i would prefer to not listen to right now.

sigh. oh well. if the universe says jump, what can you do but ask how high?


you can't choose them, so they say. but you can choose to not consider them relatives, right?

i won't go into details. generalities maybe.

well sometimes i just find it hard to believe that i am actually related by blood to some people. i find myself thinking surely somebody who shares my blood could not be as complete an asshole as this ________(uncle, cousin, aunt, nephew, niece. fill in the blank.)?

but you know what? they are complete assholes. they. i can't believe how anyone could trade good relations for money. a measly sum, at that. they think just because they've been forgiven over and over and over in the past, they can keep on getting away with being the total jerk-offs that they are. and then they pretend that they had nothing to do with it.

hay naku. i am being deliberately vague because my mom and dad would probably get on my case for this.

hay naku. i'm certain of one thing. i had decided years ago that when i get married, there will only be a handful of relatives. and you know what? they're growing less in number by the year.

Monday, January 15, 2007

happy new year?

half a month into the year and here i am again. lost my wallet last week so i'm still not in full possession of my faculties. but i will post.

let me see. new year posts usually consist of a post game analysis of the events of the previous year. sounds like a good start.

so. 2006. let's put them into categories. --family, work, love, friends, others. order irrelevant.

family -- sometime february last year we welcomed a new baby into the family. daryl thaddeus, my very own siopao. he's so cute i want to just bite him sometimes. smart to boot! he's picked up some of my habits, particularly when it comes to clothes. ate kay wants to strangle me. :D

my niece also gave birth to a baby girl. i felt a pang of sadness when she did. she's only a baby herself-- looking all grown up, but a baby nonetheless. but babies are blessings, no matter what. so am happy there's a new baby too. even if that makes me some sorta kinda a lola.

my parents are okay. had a few health scares and they continue to scare me when i'm all alone and about to sleep. i just pray everyday for their continued health and thank the BIG GUY up there. sometimes, though, i realize that my parents aren't getting any younger. that fact escapes me most of the time, mainly because they look ages younger than their actual age and they're too cool to be believed. my mom is almost addicted (so she says) to computer games, and my dad still invites me to drink out every now and then (me! the youngest girl!). i worry though but i trust mr. BIG GUY knows what he's doing.

my other siblings are fine. two of them are busy manning the law firm, also known as "da four sisters law firm (carinderia)" despite the fact that they both promised to never practice. anna b is sorely missed. it's been over a year since i last saw her and i feel her absence everyday, specially when confronted by grinning horses on brown bottles. da doctor is crazy as ever and i worry about her too. i guess i'll just have to pray that things straighten out for her soon. as for our resident us citizen, well... she's handled herself for so long i'm sure she'll keep on doing that for many many years to come. wag lang niya ko pabilhin ng pulburon molders. :)

work - hay work. i've been getting the hang of it but sometimes i just feel so tired and spent. it doesn't help that my family wants me to just go home and be a lawyer. still, i'm here. i know i'm good at what i do (mayabang ako, eh, bakit ba. walang hihirit.) and i'm learning a lot about things i never thought i'd pay attention to. to a certain extent the learning is keeping me here.
but my office friends keep me sane - jen, junjun, bebe, latino, luz, and elna. plus there's marge. each day is an adventure with them. you never know what they're going to think up next. so siguro di pa ko aalis dito. of course, the darned thing pays the bills. :D

love - hahahhaha. funny.

friends - made a lot of friends last year. kept most of the ones i already had. lost touch with some (sad.). i'm quite thankful, though, that i know these are people i'd fight for and they'd fight for me if need be. i'm extremely lucky when it comes to friends, i suppose.

others - ha. there it is. played an untold number of badminton games. drank an untold number of beers. slept odd hours. made a lot of decisions that still make me cringe. but these things are done and i can't really do anything about them.

travelled a lot too. :D :D :D

i'm not big on details these days. i think i'm still in a rut and i'm trying to get out of it. how did j put it -- my feeling of aimlessness.

hopefully i'll post more often. i miss writing.

so there. so far the first 15 days of the year leave much to be desired. wish me luck.

just make sure i don't have my phone with me when the brown bottles are there. :D