Wednesday, December 31, 2003
i rode this morning with hepe, a high school classmate. and it was exactly like before. total freedom. i think (don't know if i mentioned this before) that horseback riding is the closest i could get to flying. although a motorcycle ride comes close, the gallop of a horse is something else. and riding bareback takes the cake.
for the first time in days i felt like i could do anything, and that my loneliness was a thing of the past, left behind in the dust. it was just for a moment, but it was enough.
i feel a little more hopeful now, and a little less depressed. and that's always a good thing.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
but i digress. went to my uncle's birthday party. we were a little late so we had to make do with what was left of the food, which was still a lot.
anyways, we ran out of cognac. sad. my uncle gave us a bottle of fundador instead.
sigh. we finished the bottle. there were 4 of us, with some people coming over to refill their glasses. we were quite selfish, and quite drunk by the end of the evening.
my sister just tasted some so she got to drive.
got home safe though. brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and promptly fell asleep.
now i know why my dad likes hard drinks. no hangover.
it's a beautiful day. have a good one people. :)
Monday, December 29, 2003
You are Smoke and Mirrors! You are idealistic,
unpredictable, and hypnotic. People might think
youre a show-off and have a need to be
surprising, but really youre just talkative and
get carried away with some subjects. You might
easily get jealous or feel lonely if something
is going wrong in your life. You probably like
fantasy, fiction and things that can
temporarily take you away from the world. You
have a great sense of humor and are enthralling
to be around.
*~Which Neil Gaiman book are you?~*
brought to you by Quizilla
1. the morning star by nick bantock. signed. (my first autographed book.) this is the 6th and final installment of the griffin and sabine series. [thanks j]
2. abarat by clive barker. try reading the title on the cover upside down. it reads the same. coolness. :)
3. city of the beasts by isabel allende. have yet to read it.
4. tiny kitchen by vicky veloso-barrera. cookbook for children. (me. :D)
time to lose myself in another world. :) bye.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
the year is almost at a close and i suppose it's normal for me to get depressed, considering that this time last year i was going through hell. i guess i should be thankful i'm better.
well i am.
but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little down. they are not mutually exclusive feelings.
i have taken to long solitary walks. i rarely drive, and only when asked. (convenient, actually, because there are a lot of idiots in town at the moment. they don't know how to drive.) i disappear for hours on end and my family suspects i've been out meeting with so-and-so, and so-and-so... rendezvous, if you wish. i think it's wishful thinking on their part.
sorry to disappoint them.
i bought a sketchbook, so as to put my ID materials to good use. my brother in law said my first sketch looks like a graveyard. i looked. he was right. goes to show my state of mind.
but drawing is good. no matter how bad i am at it. maybe it'll help me get out of the rut i'm in in time for the new year.
maybe i'll start writing again. my notebooks are beginning to look forlorn.
and then i'll make my resume.
there. looks like i have a plan, stan.
now to stick to the plan.
hope all you guys are enjoying the rest of the holidays.
getting some shut-eye now.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Friday, December 19, 2003
had to borrow a blouse since my wardrobe consisted of shorts and shirts and tanks. and i must say, i looked pretty okay. :)
there was an interpretative dance contest, (to the tune of winter wonderland) a chorale contest, and a live christmas tree contest. by the time they were done, my little intestines were happily eating my big intestines. HUUUUN-GRY!
don't even remember what i ate but i do remember that there were about one dozen lechons in the area. one for each table, but ours had two. we had the guests kasi. they don't chop the lechon here. they leave a knife and fork at the table and you cut yourself a piece. i asked somebody to cut mine. he was nice enough to do so. :)
after dinner, there was ballroom dancing. i haven't gone ballroom dancing in ages. i don't recall when the last time was.
anyways, my friend's cousin and i danced the cha-cha. i had to lead, being almost 8 inches taller than her. then we sat down and my friend's dad danced with her mom, then her, then me.
i'll say. her dad can dance. he's tall, so leading the dance is easy. and he has that loose grace of the older generation who learned how to dance on the dance floor, on their own, with legitimate partners. they didn't need DI's back then. swing was in.
so he danced the swing and the boogie with me and i did two double spins and a triple spin without missing a step. i was so proud, and my friend and her family were shocked. they asked me why i danced well.
i told them my dad and my uncles loved to dance, and they passed it on.
sigh. i miss my dad.
we should go dancing when i get back.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
it rained today and i got melancholy again. it helped that the little boy who lives here and i have become friends. he is 1 year 4 months old. his only word is "car." since we are both fascinated by vehicles, we have become friends.
been helping out here. it's nice helping out. it keeps me busy and i have fun and the weather is so similar to what we have at home that i don't feel so homesick. so far i'm still having fun although i have never been one to complain about the provincial life.
i think i could live here. sometime in the future i want to move here and take a master's degree in marine biology. i heard they have it here at the university. living beside the beach would be wonderful. and watching all those fish without the aid of goggles is something else.
anyways, i don't know what tomorrow's sked is. i can feel myself growing by the minute but i don't care. i'm on vacation. i'm supposed to get fat (or so that little voice in my head which sounds suspiciously like dakota fanning in taken says).
will be here for a few more days. going back home for christmas. i miss the kids.
here are some pictures
Monday, December 15, 2003
first time flyer.
my friend found the fact astounding. yes, it is my first time to fly. in an airplane, that is. i am no stranger to choppers. i've been riding in them for as long as i can remember. but planes, never.
living in baguio has its downside. it was so easy for us to just hop into a car and travel. and even when i first went to tacloban, i was unfortunate enough to have a ride a bus. we were to attend the national secondary schools press conference. our school didn't have the budget so we travelled economy. literally. in a bus. baguio-manila-tacloban. my butt was totally numb when i got to the barge. still, it was a fun experience.
so my only chance to ride a plane was thwarted. and i've been grounded since then.
i'm excited. i have come to the conclusion that i like airports. they're pretty nice places to be in.
and flying has always held its fascination. i've been trying to think up happy thoughts, but i've stayed on the ground. so a plane is the next best thing. plus riding a horse at top speed, of course.
got to the airport early. when i was checking my baggage in, the guy simply said, overweight.
what? are you saying i'm fat???? but i didn't say that, of course. i thought it, though. i simply pulled out my wallet but he didn't ask me to pay. he was simply having fun at my expense pala. the baggage was well within limits. my forehead must have said "first time flyer." he made up for it, though, because he gave me a window seat without my asking.
on to the lounge. am typing this while sitting in the lounge.
my laptop's battery is almost drained. will continue after the flight.
i flew. or rather, i rode a plane. i was a little apprehensive and i felt mild claustrophobia, mainly because the guy beside me was really big. and my jacket was restraining me somewhat.
the captain announced that we were about to takeoff. and i must say, i like takeoff. :D it was fun, leaving the ground.
soon we were 33.000 feet above the ground. the rest of the trip was uneventful. the stewardess gave us newspapers to read, and some snacks with foreign characters on them. the trip was okay. just like a bus ride. except less bumpy.
i liked landing too. my stomach got left behind somewhere around 19000 feet but that was okay. i didn't mind.
all in all, an okay first flight. except my feet felt funny.
december 14, 2003
yesterday i had my first boat ride. it wasn't your regular boat. it was the supercat. like a bus. rode from cebu to ormoc. it took almost 3 hours, including a short stop in the middle of the sea. then a 30 minute drive to visca, baybay, leyte.
i am now at my friend's house. her mom is the president of leyte state university (lsu) and they live in the presidential house located on campus. it is an old house. i have fallen in love with it already. the house is about 30 paces from the beach. there's a veranda and a lawn out front with a huge tree (i haven't asked what kind it is, though). it has parquet floors and a panelled ceiling. sigh. old house.
just arrived from tacloban where i held hands with macarthur and had my picture taken while on san juanico bridge, the connecting bridge between leyte and samar. i know, i know. i look huge beside it.
visited an old church in baybay, too. really nice. except they were playing the gregorian chant version of stairway to heaven in between masses, blaring from the speakers near the bell tower.
oh. will continue this later. dinner and a massage daw. how can i resist?
december 15, 2003
where was i? oh. got a massage and promptly fell asleep after.
went jogging this morning. ran on the beach. it's got a lot of stones, but the water is so clear it more than makes up for the lack of sand. from the beach i went around campus, almost got lost, but got home fine.
then we went swimming after breakfast. there are no waves, and the water moves just enough to lull you to sleep. my friend's mom had the area declared as a fish sanctuary so it's illegal to fish there. the fish swim near the shore and i saw one or two of them actually jumping out of the water about 2 meters from the shoreline.
when i went into the water it was so clear i could see my feet even though it was a little over five feet deep. and there was a cute fish with a blue nose swimming near me. you could see my smile from a mile away.
good thing about the beach, too, is that it was deserted. ditched my shirt and swam in my tank top and shorts. and nobody was there to yell "whale!!!" ah. bliss.
wish i could've gone to school here.
anyways, more of that later. i might yet get to take my masters here.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
went to plantation bay this morning to have breakfast. that's a nice place. ideal for honeymoons.... :) wore my landi draw string pants that open up when blown by the wind. up to my thighs. hehehe. watch out world, here i come!
anyways, am at the ayala mall. looks pretty much like a mall in manila except all the people speak bisaya. sigh. good thing i can figure out context clues and i know some of the basics.
that facial should be over by now. will post again soon.
Friday, December 12, 2003
the other night i went out and decided to drink my blues away. i went to a bar with the sole intention of getting drunk.
so i did. got so stinking drunk i wasn't even aware that i had charged my phone and made a call.
my blues went away that night and came back full force the next day.
there is too much blood in my alcohol. need to purge the blood.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
or that feeling that the events surrounding you are conspiring to make you remember something you would like to forget, or revisit a feeling that you would rather bury?
these feelings keep haunting me now. i try to keep them at bay but sometimes they are too strong, and i'm too tired to fight them.
almost a year. what is? i'm not really sure. a life-defining moment, surely. but i'd be at a loss if you asked me to label it. almost a year.
the saddity of it all.
Monday, December 08, 2003
1. went to the beach
2. had breakfast at the beach
3. cooked pinaputok na imelda fish (humongous. about a foot and a half long.)
4. ate lechon.
5. played beach volleyball. lost. :(
6. swam (water so clear you can see your feet)
7. took pictures of the sunset
8. made friends with a hermit crab. name's basti. had a photo shoot with basti
9. bonfire at the beach
10. made like a sardine to squeeze into a banig with 7 other people
11. woke up early.
12. contemplated life.
13. cooked breakfast
14. ate breakfast
15. swam again.
16. cleaned up.
17. ate lunch.
18. packed up.
19. went to manaoag to say thanks.
20. went home to baguio.
all in all, a fun weekend. as calvin would say, the days are just packed! and i just have to grin.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
it's been ages since the last time we did that. almost 10 years? 30 pounds ago? hehehe.
can't wait to go. bound to be fun and fattening. but that's life in my family.
now let's see if we can fatten tiborce up. ü
Friday, December 05, 2003
1. put a baby to sleep
2. slept beside the baby
3. did some grocery shopping
4. played with the kids
5. baked about 250 pieces of oatmeal raisin cookies (with help from the kids and richel)
6. made some peaches and cream dessert for my family.
and my day started at lunchtime.
not bad, huh? the cookies alone should have taken the entire afternoon. but there we go. it only took me 2-3 hours. with dinner and clean up thrown in.
...i must be depressed.
turns out i still have junk left over from the previous clean up.
i didn't find the sketch. but i found something interesting.
found the guestbook i used for my exhibit. back in college we had to construct an actual room and enclose it in glass. each student had his/her design and we set up the modules in greenhills. something like a thesis.
i made a reading room with an ethnic design.
anyways, there were a lot of comments in the guestbook. some had job offers, others merely complimented the design, and still others said i looked cute in my grad pic. o di ba? i was laughing in my grad pic kasi.
one comment struck me though. it said "don't leave this field. you have the talent for it."
how could he or she have known that i had no plans of practicing? i didn't even know it then.
well i did leave the field. at kahit tumaba ang puso ko, i know i don't have the talent for it. i didn't have it then, i don't have it now.
the only reason that room looked so good was because it was how i wanted one of the rooms in my house to look. when i do get to build my house. it was purely motivated by self-interest. i got a very good grade. but that was just a bonus.
so here i am, with a degree in interior design, the only purpose of which is to serve as shock factor.
them: hi. so you graduated from law school. what was your undergraduate course?
me: interior design.
there, purpose served.
maybe someday it will serve some other purpose. but for now, the facial expressions accompanying the WHAAAAAT is still amusing.
anyways, thanks to friendster, i found him.
clicked on his profile. it says he's interested in serious relationships with men and women. hmmmm... go figure.
still, it was good getting in touch. he's a doctor now.
wonderful, this internet.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
i have been staring at the november poster. it's on the wall above my mom's pc to provide much needed entertainment. i quote:
"it is a joy to honor someone who is not always clamoring for spotlight but instead shares the credit with others. authorities love to exalt a humble person."
excuse me? this, coming from the mayor's office? from a mayor whose huge pictures are plastered all over baguio, who had the letter "v" mounted on all infrastructure, and who even had them mounted on the trash bins???
humility? i think not. take down those streamers and "v"s then we can consider talking about humility.
character first? bullshit. i have seen more character in beggars on the street.
and since i'm lambasting the damned office anyway, and consequently their idiotic posters, let me quote again.
"i will not think more highly on myself than i thought."
somebody explain this to me like i'm a five year old.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
his last question was "what's bugging you?"
i don't really know.
i know i should get a job. but that's not what's bothering me.
someday we'll know.
went home at 2 am. went drinking with some friends from manila... well they left at 10. but i had such a good thing going i didn't really want to stop. it was such fun. haven't gone drinkin in quite some time.
was tipsy when i got home. and melancholy.
sigh. maybe maudlin is the word.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
two of my male cousins asked me yesterday if i liked women. they figured that since i had such short hair and was always in jeans and shirts, i must be tomboy.
i said "minsan" to one of them. oh the look on his face was priceless. there were no more follow up questions.
the other one was more serious. he said i have never brought a boyfriend to the reunion. i used to bring wen to the reunions. but that particular cousin was not present those times. i told him that i was still recovering. i said i cut my hair because i needed a change, and that cutting hair was healthy, not because i don't like men anymore. i showed him my grad pic, long hair and all. i think he believed me.
anyways, people were asking where wen was. i told them he was with someone else now. they were surprised. why shouldn't they be? sa ganda kong to???? (someday lightning is going to strike and i will never know what hit me.)
actually they were surprised because we had been together so long. i told them that these things happen for a reason. they didn't ask for details. that's why i love those cousins.
then we went back to eating. and it was good. :)
i always look forward to the reunion. barring one or two in-laws who happen to be bitches in the first degree, the rest of the family is cool.
food, as always, was in abundance. we all love to eat. and yesterday was no exception. eating began at 12. we ended at 6. the fare consisted of the usual stuff--spaghetti and ice cream, plus the only to be found in tarlac food (or at least i'd like to think so. my uncle is a great cook) -- burong hipon, mustasa, tapang kalabaw, inihaw na hito, roasted duck and roasted turkey, kilawen, pinapaitan.. the list goes on.
conversations were happy too. my cousins never hesitate to poke fun at others, and at themselves. nothing is sacred. and listening to them is so refreshing because they say what they think, without pretensions. but the affection is there. and the compassion.
looking back i find it unfair that we got to spend so little time with them. my dad's mom was the dominant matriarch. we loved her but she wanted to keep everybody in her clutches. so we never got to spend christmas with my lolo and lola in the province. we all stayed in baguio. all her children and their families were required to spend christmas here. we were deprived of our lolo and lola and our other relatives. :(
still, it was perhaps this lack of time spent with them that made what little time we had so special. but... naaaah.
i still would have liked to spend more time with them.
now we're all grown up and we still enjoy each other's company. that should count for something. :)
looking forward to next year. wonder what food we will have?
Friday, November 28, 2003
I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spaniards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, November 27, 2003
here's my 2-cents worth.
i think fpj is a decent guy. i'd be hard pressed to recall a scandal he was involved in. he has kept quite a low profile athough he had a big name in the business.
but with all due respect to him i don't think he is what this country needs.
i think this country needs a firm hand. it needs a president who is not afraid to lose friends, and who will think twice, thrice, a million times before appointing someone to position because of a debt of honor.
it's sad that nobody comes to mind at the moment. all i can do is hope and pray that somebody comes along and that that somebody will win.
i don't want to migrate.
My inner child is sixteen years old!
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
every year i go to the export processing zone to buy a pair or two of shoes and a bag. got me a sling bag along with the shoes. and all for the price of (drum roll please)....P1250.
not bad, huh? these export overruns are really cool.
i still use the laptop knapsack i bought a couple of years ago. it doubles as an overnight bag.
i only wish they had more stocks.
and i had more money. hehehe.
bad idea. was all sweaty when i got to comelec. while waiting in line i realized that they were taking pictures and would be issuing ids. i looked like shit. as i was about to change my mind, the lady took my validation form to verify my precinct number.
too late. my form was on queue. syet.
oh well. fingerprints were taken, electronic version of signatures too (coolnessssss!). then the dreaded moment. picture taking.
i looked drunk in my first picture. so i asked the lady nicely if i could have a retake. sure, she said. so i had another one taken.
i looked high. hehehe. i had decided to smile. my eyes became smaller and i looked like i had just finished a joint or two.
oh well. would've asked for a third take if it would have made a difference. but then again there were people waiting in line waiting to have their ugly pictures taken too.
my sister said that that picture will be used for the national id system. damn. and double damn. for the rest of my life????
on other matters, the old guy next to me asked me whom i was voting for. i said i 'd pick the lesser evil.
as of today i still don't know. fpj declared that he is running for president. susan roces was in tears. hell, i'd be in tears too.
i wonder what's going to happen to the philippines?
i'm sure of one thing though. those who don't vote lose the right to complain. and i will not lose that right.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
good for her. they only come at night. i get them during the day.
i've been doing some research for my uncle the past few weeks. decided to look through my bar materials (i sent them home for my sister's use) because i knew there was something i needed there.
the minute i had the papers in my hands i felt dizzy. thought it was the heat. started leafing through the pages. almost threw up. had visions of having to take the bar again, of my disappointment in myself, my parents' disappointment...
gave it up. the discomfort disappeared as soon as i put the damned papers down.
did i mention i once flunked a board exam? it was a humbling experience.
i never want to go through that again.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
met him in my physics class. good looking, funny, nice, with a butt to die for. i think he was the first and only person that i didn't inform first off about my boyfriend. call it omission on my part.
anyways, had a crush on him and i think he sorta kinda liked me too. or maybe he just found me nice to talk to.
we both flunked because we used to answer crossword puzzles in class rather than study.
he wanted to be a doctor.
hmmm... one of the few people i really hankered after.
well wherever he is, i hope his butt is as nice as it used to be. :P
i started with the shelves, then the boxes of accumulated stuff over the years. i had not done general cleaning since i came home so i knew this was going to take a long time.
frames with pictures i would rather not look at. they were the first to go.
letters. lots of them. little notes written on recycled paper from my dorm days which contained stuff ranging from "i left some food in your room..." to "i love you so much." to "you locked me out of the room!"
there were also letters from grade school complete with rhymes and mistakes.
and of course, letters from my exes. pictures. one shoe box for each ex....
it's amazing that despite years of being together (one for 1.5 years, another for 3 years, another for almost 8 years)
you end up with one shoebox for each of those periods in your life. one meazly box. (blame email?)
i opened them and looked through some letters. tore some pictures up, threw some notes out. it was liberating, but at the same time it made me horribly sad. it would be a first for me, throwing away letters and pictures.
remembering made me melancholy. for a moment i was so lonely i almost let the tears fall. but i kept them in check. then i realized something. i'm a little harder now. a little more jaded. a little less sentimental.
and that realization made me feel sadder. it was like throwing bits and pieces of my life away.
i know that it is necessary. you have to make space in your life to accomodate new loves, new friends. just like a cabinet. you throw out things you don't want, things you don't need. then you fill it up again with those that you do.
i guess i'm just going through the final stages of letting go.
i think it's time for me to sanitize, heal, and scar. and if i have to be harder to do it, so be it.
Monday, November 24, 2003
ha. i wish.
my bed gave up on me. mainly because it's been moved around so much and that the make was flimsy to begin with. whoever made it was going more for form than substance. bad trip.
anyways, hammer in hand, nails in the other, i managed to put it back together with manang virgie's help. wood glue and clamps would have been nice.
sigh. really need to put together that tool box.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.
"And The Angel rose as holy protector for
all that was created. She fought with honor
and valor to serve the good of the world. But
the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and
end to purity."
Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael
(Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue,
the number 2, and the element of wind.
Her sign is the zenith sun.
As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your
word. You generally keep your promises and
give everything you do your best. Although
some people see you as overbearing sometimes,
you know that you have to stay true to yourself
and do what's right. Angels are the best
friends to have because they are brutally
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, November 21, 2003
was going to get stinking drunk tonight but my sister got tired so we went home after 2 beers. and because today is the grand opening of sm and one of the more important days of the ad congress, the whole of baguio was in chaos.
there were no cabs. people were walking in the middle of the street and the sm sign was glaring. hateful.
we walked to a place where we can get a jeep. after 15 minutes, one came by. it wasn't our usual jeep so we had to walk. damn. i came from court earlier. was wearing a black v-neck blouse, nice jeans and killer mules. with pointed toes. (are they still called mules if they're pointed? i plead ignorance.)
the walk just ended my prospects of becoming a foot model. nalungkot naman ako. pero partida na yan. HAHAHAH!!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2003
went to the new sm here in baguio. i have mixed feelings. on the one hand, i can't believe they cut all those trees to build a concrete jungle. on the other hand, i know the construction of the mall created a lot of jobs and has provided the city with access to shops otherwise out of reach for the non-travelling population.
in fairness to sm the mall does not look like your regular mall. it is not square and you can actually go to the lobby(?)/ balcony (?) to stargaze. but still. i would have preferred a mall built within the trees or something like that.
i don't know how i feel. or maybe i do. it's like how you feel when a pet dies. or you discover that something you've always viewed as magical is replete with tricks and lies.
i finally saw my city for what it is now.
i've been denying the change. i've been telling myself that it's still a beautiful place. but somehow i've always known that that wasn't..isn't.. the truth.
it's beginning to get warm here. the traffic is bad. the people have no respect for the city. we used to stop whatever it is we were doing everytime the siren wailed over the city, just to pray the angelus. we used to have tree planting all the time. parking was free, and there weren't that many cars to begin with. everyone knew everybody else. sidewalk vendors were few and far between. so were beggars. there were no street kids.
we had flower farms and strawberry farms and john hay was a place to go to even if we didn't have money. we could just stroll... now the farms are being converted to golf courses and john hay has become... i don't even want to think about it.
my thoughts are jumbled and i am rambling. i always thought i'd raise my kids here, if and when i do have them. but now am seriously reconsidering. this is not the baguio i remember. no longer my city.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
so goes zazu's dialogue in lion king. and my dialogue too.
it's amazing. i can't understand how i can be related by blood to some people who do not hesitate to squeeze us dry or kick us when we're down. not to mention the fact that those bitches that they married thrive on discord and never bat an eyelash when they sow it.
i have never been vindictive. but sometimes i can't help but wish that i had assassins at my command and that i didn't have a conscience.
me? i can take care of myself. but they touch my sisters and my parents and i'm out for blood.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Sunday, November 16, 2003
last friday, after a harrowing 2 1/2++++++ hour trip, we made it to my sister's performance at the san agustin church. she was to sing the exultate jubilate by mozart with the philippine philharmonic orchestra. this was the reason i came down in the first place.
thanks to the *&$*^@&^%@^* traffic, however, we only caught the tail end of the third movement. damn. my parents were disappointed. not only because we practically missed her singing but because of the fact that there was no video coverage. ugh.
but what we watched was stunning, just the same. and i wouldn't have missed those last 5 minutes for the world.
then last night ate kay and i watched jazz in time. a crossover presentation featuring courtney pine and his band (british i think) and local jazz artists.
the front act which featured the locals lasted for 2 hours, a veritable concert in itself. and i have this to say. bituin escalante left me breathless, cookie chua rocks (as usual) and jay cayuca plays sexy. the rest of the artists were good too, and i can safely declare that filipino artists can hold their own. and i was proud.
courtney pine came on after a 15 minute break. we listened to 3 songs and left. he was good, that much we ascertained. but listening to saxophones for over 2 hours is not my idea of a great time.
pondering in bed (or on the sleeping bag on the rug over the mat on the floor which passes for a bed), i thought about the two nights and realized that i will probably never be as cultured as my sister when it comes to music (she did graduate from the college of music, after all) , but my ears know what they like and that is just fine.
my untutored ears will perhaps never know the difference between mozart and bach (and all those dead composers for that matter) but it doesn't matter because hearing a good orchestra play more than makes up for my ignorance. and i will never really get the distinctions between an alto sax and a soprano sax down pat but i found out i don't really like listening to it too much, so that's okay. too much of a good thing.
so i will never be all that cultured. but hey, nobody can say i'm a barbarian.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
or every time i watch tv and so happen upon an infomercial my fingers itch and i want to pick up the phone and call.
of course i'm a little discriminating. the one and only time i ordered online was for the X1R motor oil additive. one for bogart and one for kojak. and i have had no reason to be dissatisfied. but then again it was like a carrot on a stick.
so when i see those infomercials on tv and tiborce happens to be around, he changes the channels.
to date i have 3 things i want to buy. the restore 4 system, the george foreman grill, and the aerospace sofa bed.
sigh. i wouldn't mind getting the grill first....
Thursday, November 13, 2003
spent most of the first hour gazing out the window at the trees (what's left of them) and watching vehicles going the other way. fell asleep and woke up in tarlac. went down for the stopover to have a hotdog and breathe.
the tv was tuned in to gma 7 the whole time. when the bus started moving again, there they were. the sexbomb dancers. singing mula batanes hanggang jolo....
was able to ignore the show until the videokray (did i get that right?) portion. the first singer was good. the second singer was a guy who had the misfortune of picking out "hotstuff" for his song. he sang in falsetto all the way. it was painful to watch.
the third singer was really good. girl but she sang elvis. hehehe.
by this time the whole bus was awake and watching. laban o bawi na. it was fun, actually. we all laughed at the same time, and we were calling out answers to the questions. it was like i was part of a family watching a noon time show in the living room.
this question i can't seem to forget. or rather the answers. "ano'ng comic book superhero ang ginawan ng movie nitong 2003 (2? basta)..."
two of the guys didn't let michael v. finish. one answered spiderman. the other answered incredible hulk.
the rest of the question went like this : na merong dalawang "D"
the third guy goes: captain barbell.
and michael v. goes : ano? captain dardell?
nothing beats these noon time shows.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
it's true. i've been in numerous taxi cabs and to enough hairdressers and they are the most updated people i've encountered.
i don't know but i suppose i have this sign on my face which says talk to me. so they do.
i have ceased being surprised at their insight, which i get a glimpse of every time they feel free to talk. they know what they're talking about. politics, showbiz, their passengers, world issues... they know. and they always give their 2 cents worth. i guess it's because in their line of work there is plenty of time to listen and ponder...
it's just too bad that they're too busy trying to eke out a living to give running for president or some other position a second thought.
slow reading because i'm usually taking care of the kids or running errands for the parents and my sisters.
the way it's written doesn't help much. the pace is a little slow plus there are so many bits and pieces about history since the setting is during the vietnam war (manila is mentioned). you read it slowly or else you miss something.
or maybe it's just me.
still, i'm enjoying reading it. i just wish i could move on to my books of magic.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
so i don't really understand how they reckon the 6 degrees of separation.
that introduction aside, my world is getting smaller.
got caught up in the friendster frenzy. last night i was looking for some friends when i remembered that emman's birthday is today. just for kicks i decided to search for him. yep. he's part of the network. emman was my blockmate in up when i was still in engineering. and a friend to date.
viewed his network of friends. saw the name yayie. sounds familiar. tiborce has a friend named yayie. she's linked to his blog. so i decided to check it out. how many people in the world are named yayie? a lot i suppose. but still, viewed yayie's (naks. parang kilala ko siya. first name basis talaga. sorry po.) profile. there it was: favorite tv shows. buffy.
ha. i sometimes visit the blogs linked to borcee's. i like the way yayie writes so i visit her blog and i know she's a buffy fan. clue number 1!
then emman found my blog and said he put my blog as link. i clicked on his blog. and one link at the side bar is yayie's blog. that's not even clue number 2. that's more in the nature of x marks the spot.
one of the names i've always noticed on yayie's links is gamhanan. si emman pala yun. never visited the blog. and even if i did, i probably wouldn't have recognized it as his.
still, weird. i can almost see the connections from a bird's eye view. tina -- tiborce -- yayie -- emman -- tina.
weird weird weird. the world is too small.
Monday, November 10, 2003
Saturday, November 08, 2003
she was lining up her money on the counter. there was a line but i don't think she understood. the guy behind the counter ignored her. the people in the line ignored her. and i felt so bad.
sure she's one of those people you see on the streets, and one of those you wish to avoid. sure she was barefoot and looked untidy. but she was an old lady and she just wanted to buy bread.
i found myself staring at the scene until a young girl told the counter guy to let the old lady go ahead. she left with her bread in a plastic bag.
the cashier went to pick up the money with distaste plainly written on her face. i felt so bad i started crying on the sidewalk. good thing i have a cold. i grabbed some tissue paper and started blowing my nose.
i got depressed. and it persisted till i got home.
now i still feel bad. and mad. if i could change the world.....
we were sitting at the bar last night when a girl suddenly appeared behind us. she was asking us if it was okay for her to just stand there because she was almost drunk and she didn't want to sit down.
we said ok. then introductions were made. then she goes, kakantahan ko kayo.
paulyn and i caught the singer's attention. chris, kakanta daw siya ng zombie...
up the stage she went. and we were thinking "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?"
it was fun though. and she started dancing with her boyfriend and he took off his shirt and i gently told him to PUT IT BACK ON!
before she left she kissed all of us. weird. but nothing lost. so it was okay.
been a long time since i drank that much. was happy. but i probably won't do it again for some time. i just recovered from a bad cough and cold after all.
all in all, a fun night.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
2. when cleaning fish, wear an apron, use a pair of scissors, and look for hidden spikes in those tricky fish.
3. it is very difficult to deliberately try to sink.
4. the prints on white shirts do very little to hide your.... chest (?) okay fine. boobs.
5. if you step on something that moves, RUN.
6. ogling half-naked men running on the beach is not very polite, but extremely satisfying.
7. when you're swimming all alone you can make up plays and talk to yourself and no one will think you crazy.
8. it is never a bad idea to bring pajamas to the beach.
9. crabs and shrimps taste better when eaten along the shore.
10. pulling up your shorts while standing in the water will not keep your shorts dry.
11. walking on the hot sand at high noon is sheer stupidity.
12. no matter how many misadventures you have, going to the beach is one of the best things one can ever do to relax.
this morning i spent a good hour lying on the sand, reading a book while drinking kalamansi juice.... not bad. click on the link below. posted some pictures. and since tom was taking the pictures, he has no solo pictures. so i guess it's just me.
if the link does not appear underscored, just click on tom's beach birthday. :)
tom's beach birthday
Monday, November 03, 2003
so i decided to go to the dreaming. turns out there are a lot of gaiman books not available in the philippines yet. seriously thinking of ordering over the net... hmmm.
wolves in the walls
the sandman: endless nights
the day i swapped my dad for 2 goldfish
smoke and mirrors
seasons of mist
a game of you.
emailed powerbooks and they have most of the paperbacks in stock. now all i have to do is to find a job.....
medicine's taking effect. sleep now.
my hairdresser said i look really fat and that i should just grow my hair. hell. i wanted a haircut and i was getting one. so i did. but i was in a bad mood.
the fact that i was feeling really sick didn't improve my temper. my eyes were burning, my sinuses were all clogged up, and i was coughing.
and to be called fat... sigh.
i'm going to sleep now. i feel really sick. that's what i get for going to the cemetery and attending the evening mass without a jacket.
when we got there, my sister and i lit candles. she and her boyfriend left me there and they went to visit other tombs.
as i sat there i had this peculiar feeling of peace. there i was, sitting cross-legged on top of the marble tomb as i watched the people go by. there was no fear, no prickling at the back of my neck. i wasn't even cold....
i felt safe. weird. since it was fast getting dark and a cemetery is not one of the places i'd want to be in when it gets dark.
still, i liked sitting there. soon it was time to go. the feeling didn't leave, at least not till i had my first beer. (we went bar-hopping.)
i'm getting weirder by the day. i should get a job.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
must have been a dentist for kids. he kept talking in a sing-song voice. anyways, i didn't mind. he told me that he would have to take out one of my fillings because there were cavities underneath. sigh. he injected my gums with anesthesia and started drilling away.
i heard the drill in my mouth. couldn't feel it tho. above the drilling i could hear martin nievera singing on the wings of love. there was a martin cd playing. i was there for over an hour and a half. i don't know which sound i hated more, the drilling or the martin cd playing over and over... i think at the end of the session i found that i preferred the drill.
Friday, October 31, 2003
WHY I DID NOT DIE AT AGE 14
I was supposed to die at the age of 14. 14 years and 6 months, to be exact. Since it is the year 2001, and here I am writing about it, apparently I did not die. No, I was not to be executed, nor was I ill with some life threatening disease. I simply concluded that I was going to die on that day. Why? Because my brother died at 14.
My brother’s name was Joselito. He was a full 12 years older than I am and for as long as I could remember I have heard people remarking on how uncanny the resemblance between us is. The same eyes, the same nose, the same lips…. Perhaps the only real difference was that he was male and I, female. I think we even had the same texture hair. As I grew older the resemblance became more pronounced. People started calling me “Joselita.” It didn’t bother me, of course. My brother was absolutely gorgeous.
When my brother died at age 14, people began to look at me as if I were a living testament to my brother. The remarks on our resemblance were still there, tailgated by “sayang…” Still, it didn’t bother me.
It didn’t bother me but it affected me greatly. Just how much I did not know until I turned 14.
See, my brother died 14 years and 6 months to the day of his birth. April 30, 1963. He died on October 30, 1977. Now why am I talking about the day he died? For the reason that I always thought that because I was so much like him, I would die in the same manner and under the same circumstances. I never really found out what he died of. I still don’t know and I don’t think it matters anymore. “Cardiac arrest” without the underlying causes is sufficient. All I knew was that I would die 14 years and 6 months to the day of my birth. Um… that would be January 14, 1989.
The fact that I didn’t know how my brother died didn’t matter one bit. I knew I was going to die. It didn’t matter how. I was just going to. It was a foregone conclusion. After all, I was my brother’s sister, his replica. Didn’t people keep reminding me? Of course I was going to share the same fate.
So imagine my disappointment when January 14 came and went without incident. Midnight came and there I was. Alive. Painfully alive.
Painfully? One would have thought I’d be oh-so-happy to be alive the next day. But I wasn’t. Insecurity set in. I was no stranger to the saying that “only the good die young.” Therefore I was going to die young. My brother died young. I was like him. I looked like him. Therefore I was going to die young. To my young mind it was the most logical thing in the world. So if I did not die, then the inevitable conclusion (again, to my confused mind) was that I was not good enough to die young. Fairly twisted? Maybe. But at the time that was the direction that my thoughts were following.
Questions plagued me. What did I do wrong? What did he do right for the Big Guy up there to want him for company so early? Maybe I was bad. Was I bad? What made me bad? And so on, and so forth. Questions I could not answer.
Life went on, however. And as I grew older, bits and pieces came together and I was able to make some sense of what I thought had happened or did not happen. There were still no answers to the questions I had asked at age 14. I just realized that I was asking the wrong questions. Actually I had come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t have been asking questions at all. Or perhaps one question was worth asking. Why didn’t I die at age 14? And the answer came with such enlightenment that I was surprised there were no sunbeams and singing angels.
I did not die at age 14 because I was not my brother. Nor was I a mere shadow of what or who he was. I am not Joselito, not Joselita. I was Tina B. (I still am.) A person in my own right, with a different path to follow, a different life to lead. I was who I am, not who people thought I looked like or who people thought I was like, or who they thought I should be.
I knew my brother was a great guy. Everyone said so. And what little memory I had of him corroborated those statements. But then, with all due respect to all who remarked that I was so much like my brother, I think they should have kept the comments to a bare minimum, if not kept them completely to themselves. At such an impressionable young age (since age 2) I was under the impression that because I looked so much like my brother, I was here to take my brother’s place (for a while at least) or to serve as a monument to his memory.
I am sure, with the growing wisdom of years, that they never intended for me to start thinking that way. After all, how were they to know that I was probably turning out to be a precocious child (read: weird) and would take their comments to heart? But intentions aside, and I know I am not alone in this, I think people should be careful with comments they make to and around children. It affects their lives greatly, for good or ill and for the latter, sometimes the effects only become apparent when it might be too late to rectify whatever damage has been done.
It took me years but eventually, I got over the notion that I was not good enough to die young like my brother. That I was meant to be his replacement. He was meant for other things, and so am I. What things? I’ve yet to find out. As a friend recently pointed out, I am still young.
So here I am. Ages older, wiser and awful glad that I did not die at age 14.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
it's strange how when a member of the family dies, their death anniversary is the one date we remember, and not the birthday. i guess it's logical, since we remember birthdays when people are alive. still... i think we should still commemorate the birthday more than the death, so we celebrate how they were in life, and not how they died, and certainly not the aftermath of their deaths.
recently a very good friend's brother died. i had met him less than 5 times in all the years i've known the family. i suppose it would be safe to say that i did not really know him. but when he died i felt a pang of sadness, and pain. i realized that if the death of someone i had not really known, and who i knew only because i was close friends with his sister, could cause me to feel that pain, how much pain is his family going through?
i cannot imagine how painful it is. when my brother died i was all of two years old, and i did not even know he was dead. he was just a memory to me. a fading one at that. i do not remember feeling pain. and i can only surmise how shattered my family felt then, and how my friend and her family is feeling now.
26 years is practically half a lifetime. kuya lito's death has marked us, to what extent, i'm not really sure. but i'm sure 26 years from now we will still remember the 30th of october.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
my first attempt to make spanish sardines. there were some hitches and i panicked for a moment because we had no back-up ulam! but then, couldn't back out anymore.
turned out fine. my sisters really liked it. i didn't get to taste it because i was overwhelmed by the smell while i was making it. so i'll just have to take their word for it.
i felt so proud of myself. sigh. small pleasures.
sigh. according to my high school plan, i should have 2 kids by now. and a husband to boot. i guess things don't really work out the way we want them to.
but maybe there's something better in store for me. i want my own kids asap but in the mean time, i'll make do with my niece and nephews. they're more than enough.
Monday, October 27, 2003
yesterday the text messages came in, telling me to boycott san miguel products and to pass the message to everybody because danding is threatening our democracy.
should i give up san mig light and red horse for love of country?
lone star, here i come.
but i took the exam just the same and failed in a grand manner. i cried a little but i knew it was my fault. ang yabang ko kasi. taking the exam without reviewing.
i had materials alright. my classmates were kind enough to send me bound photocopies from manila to baguio just so i can study.
anyways, i was cleaning my room and i came across the box containing my materials. i opened them and looked through. most of them remain unopened till today. and they contained concepts i had never before encountered. no wonder i failed.
i hope i do better in the bar exams. at least i got to sort the materials out.... sheesh.
an ex once said that an indication that he still loved me even after we broke up was if i could still hurt him...
i am preparing for loss. i don't know when or if it will even happen. but i know that if it does, i will keep on hurting for as long as i live.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
i asked her if she was throwing it out since she didn't seem to know what it was. she said she was selling it. for 10 bucks. i jumped at it. bought it.
i was right. it is authentic. it's dark and has a painting of a kangaroo on it. made by aborigines. really nice.
then i headed for national bookstore. bought a new book. stardust by neil gaiman. coolness.
Friday, October 24, 2003
they look so cute.
she's also easy to put to sleep. i just put on harry connick jr. he sings songs from children's movies with a new twist -- a new orleans flavor. yep, a big band. and yza loves the music. loud.
she listens and promptly falls asleep with a smile.
thank god for little kids. life doesn't seem so bad when they're around. :)
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
it took almost 4 hours but she's now back in her room and resting. she needed only one unit of blood so she used mine. i'm afraid she might turn alcoholic. :)
we have a lot to be thankful for. we pray for a quick and uneventful recovery.
Monday, October 20, 2003
i am happy to find out that i am aids free, syphilis free, malaria free and hepatitis A, B, and C free. :)
funny thing tho, my sister kay thought all the while that she was AB. she got confined in a hospital a few months ago and they said she was AB. she just found out today that she's type A. di siya special. hehehe.
Sunday, October 19, 2003
me: para ma-save tayo.
carlo: bakit niya tayo isa-save?
me: para di tayo mapunta sa hell.
i left at this point. then i sat down beside him again hoping he'd forget.
carlo: bakit nakapako si jesus?
me: (looking for help. saw the priest.) father, may tanong si carlo.
father dado: ano yun?
carlo: bakit nakapako si jesus?
father dado: nacha-challenge ang theology ko. how do you explain the crucifixion to a child?
after which he left. big fat help.
carlo: bakit nakapako si jesus?
father dado: kasi makulit siya.
end of story.
was so tired. spent the day driving to the manila central post office, then to pasay to get a package which we had asked to be put on hold. the package was supposed to go to baguio but it would get here on monday.
and we needed that package by friday. so i picked it up. drove, or rather crawled, in heavy traffic for over four hours. i think a got a cramp in my singit already from stepping on the clutch.
i opened the package and found party favors. sure i knew my sister in the states was sending over party favors. there were small baskets, a baby dress and ribbons, tulle, and a big bag of PINK M&M'S.
we were going to have a christening the following day.
anyways, my sister said that she was going to send over my new shades so i had some motivation. but the shades were not in the package. only pink m&m's.
i was so tired. so sleepy. and all because of pink m&m's. when we got to baguio at 2 am, we had to pack them into the baskets and wrap them in tulle and ribbons.
but seeing the happy baby made it all worth. i just don't want to see pink m&m's till my next lifetime.
and it's good to be home.
time for breakfast now.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
each episode is roughly an hour and 20 minutes. it's got me stuck like glue. 10 episodes. 10 episodes with all the delicous men strutting around. they're so good looking they don't seem real. yummy.
after i'm done i'm going to need new glasses. sigh. worth it though. :D
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
well i had cash. 10 bucks. which wouldn't have been enough for parking. no money in my account because i haven't been getting much allowance, see. (unemployed eh). plus, the night before, i gave all my cash to my sister.
it didn't occur to me that i would need to bring cash since i had planned to shop for my niece's christening dress using my card.
ah, folly. oh well, i was meeting gak so that was okay. if all else failed i would have converted the dollars i had.
anyways, after the moment of panic, it passed. and i just found it plain funny.
then i went to buy a pen worth 8.25. who says the peso has no more buying power? :)
Sunday, October 12, 2003
was pretty surprised when i saw it in national bookstore. there's a drawing of a woman's thigh and navel complete with all the in-betweens on the cover.
inside there are pictures of sculptures and paintings and what-have-yous of naked men and women, alone, or together, in various stages of lovemaking. whew.
and it has some funny entries. let me quote the first and the last lines of a poem by nick carbo entitled foreskin crackling (a prose poem)
"She had this wild thought to dip my penis in a pot of Swiss chocolate........She led me to the warm pot like some big animal, spanking my bare bottom along the way with her wooden spatula."
kinky. but fun.
good buy. go pinoy!
i am ninang of several of his nephews and he's ninong of mine. and i forged some pretty strong bonds with some of his sisters.
anyways, one of his sisters and i were supposed to go out yesterday. but she couldn't find anyone to watch the kids while she was out so we settled for a phone conversation. couldn't go there because she's in laguna.
inevitably we touched on the subject of the breakup. she asked me if i was seeing someone. i said yes but didn't give out any details. no boyfriend yet, though. it's weird. it was like we were talking about different people. i felt so detached from it. i seem to have pretty good defenses and they kick in as needed....
then i talked to his other sister. she asked me if i have a boyfriend already. i told her no and she didn't believe me. heyng? why doesn't she believe me?
(that little voice inside my head whose name is ego said she doesn't believe me because i'm too much of a catch to stay single for long.... :D)
anyways, i steered the conversation to something more neutral like birthdays, and when they're coming to visit.... she wants me to visit. sure. it's just in mindanao, right?
i found myself questioning the wisdom of staying friends with them. i'm pretty close to the one in laguna and we talk about anything and everything. we've helped each other through some tough times.
still, sometimes when i talk with them i find myself remembering occasions and feelings i would much rather forget..
in the grand scheme of things, does it matter if i'm reminded of those things or not? or do i go with my policy that friends matter more than the past hurts they remind me of?
Saturday, October 11, 2003
we were going to have dinner in dencio's at fort bonifacio. rina and i went there together, mumbling all the way about how we were unfamiliar with makati and its surrounding areas.
we passed through c-5. i used to pass there on my way to the airport so it was quite familiar. so everytime rina would ask whether we should make a turn, i'd say "dun pa, dun pa."
then she goes to me, "they're remaking that film daw."
willy wonka and the chocolate factory?
oh. when i said dun pa dun pa the song oompa loompa came to mind daw. hence, the odd segue. weird. we started singing oompa loompa. and promptly got lost when we sang our next song, "cold summer nights."
anyways, we eventually got to dencio's and the first thing one of the girls there says is...
i went to this gallery. andun nga yung sculpture ng husband mo eh...
huh? (getting repetitive, i know.)
di ba sculptor ang husband mo?
ummmm.....last time i checked i was still single.
rina came to the rescue. pau (other friend) is the one married to the sculptor. ahhhhh... ok....
sigh. for a moment there i was married.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Thursday, October 09, 2003
before buying it i read the first page. it starts with "I'm Jared, a ghost." okaaay. interesting enough. it seemed like fun.
and since i was on a book buying rampage (to calm my nerves before the bar) i bought it.
finally got to read it. it's about a group of friends. one of them has weird dreams and after making love with her boyfriend (for the first time) on top of a ski mountain, she goes drinking a lapses into a coma. (the ghost guy eventually explains that she went into a coma because she wanted to escape the events in her visions. her system went independent and actually induced itself to go into a coma. weird.)
9 months later she gives birth to a baby girl. prolific boyfriend. one shot deal. she wakes up 17 years later and starts predicting the end of the world. and it does end. but the group of friends survives.
i finished it and ended up depressed. i don't know if it's particularly depressing or it's just me. all i know is that after i read it i felt like i wanted to go into a coma, so i wouldn't have to go through the events that led to the end of the world.
apparently, people stopped asking questions and stopped growing. they weren't living anymore.
it scared me. maybe we're not living. just going through the motions, to quote buffy.
it seems we go through life just to get it over with. sure, there's the occasional highlight but then... what?
sigh. maybe it's just me. but that book made me want to read an inspirational book. so i searched through my sister's books and got og mandino.
one more thing though, i hope i never end up wanting to go into a coma to escape life.
i find nothing wrong with that. after all, he does have to practice to keep those fingers supple. but hey, does he have to scream everytime he makes a mistake?????
the pattern is this: drill, drill, drill, fingers dancing over keys. then he hits the wrong keys. then he slams his hands on the piano and screams ARRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME IS WRONG WITH HIM????
artistic temperament? bs, if you ask me. he should get a sound proofed house (or is it just sound proof?) and he can scream his lungs out. nobody said he had to include the whole neighborhood in his frustrations. mad mad mad.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
i missed talking to her. we could talk for hours on end and it would still not be enough. but one thing is certain, after the talk, i walk away feeling a little better about myself, (knowing i'm not alone in my insanity after all) and the world feels a little kinder.
we took a stroll around the campus. i'm going to miss u.p. it's that other place i call home. apparently she feels the same. everytime i enter u.p. and i see the tree lined drive, i feel settled, secure. i have been here for 11 years now, going home to baguio for the occasional break. so we walked.
inevitably, every spot that ever held meaning for me called to mind memories. some sad, most happy, some hilarious, and some plain idiotic (i did try to rotate a one way sign after drinking red bull. never touched the stuff again.).
a kiss shared behind that post, whispered conversations on that seat, picnic on the grass, beer and isaw in that corner, hugs shared in the waiting shed, parting at the street corner, tears on the steps.... it all came back as i hit each particular place. and faded when i passed it.
i felt like i was putting my demons to rest and saying goodbye to every tree, plant, slab of concrete, brick, steel railing and whatever memories they have guarded.
i know i'm coming back. but i don't think i will ever call it home again, unless i start living here again.
but it remains special. i will never get over how beautiful the trees are, or how good the grass smells after the rain, or how peaceful the place is at 4 am...
when we got back to the car we said our goodbyes with promises to do that again sometime.
and when she left i looked around and sighed. this place used to be home.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
well mainly because i've been busy sorta kinda celebrating. 2 alcohohol free days in 1 week. been really catching up.
met some friends, gave thank you tokens to those who helped in my barops, spent time with my parents who were here for my sister's concert, watched my sister's concert, finished the second book from my stack.. and drank and drank.
did loads of things but need to do loads of things too. sigh.
Thursday, October 02, 2003
yes it was weird. it still is weird. but the funny thing is, finishing the bar is just like breaking up.
it was as if for months i had this relationship with the books and then the bar came, and i had to put the books away. then i didn't know what to do anymore. for the first time in a long time i don't know what to do with my time. i don't know where to go, if i should even go somewhere, or if i should just stay home and clean the house.
i have no schedule to keep, no pressing matter to attend to, no lectures, no deadlines. just like breaking up. no anniversaries, no dates, no activities to plan....
like i said, weird analogy. but same effect. i have too much time in my hands. and i don't know what to do with it.
then again i have a humongous stack of books to attack. that's a start
such fun to be dancing again. haven't done that in a long time. sure we were the only ones dancing, but hey, to each his own.
woke up without a hangover too, which is always a good thing.
i am officially a member of the ranks of the unemployed.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
a tv crew from the insider went to the student lounge while we were all singing our hearts out. avoided the camera but the reporter followed. sigh.
she asked me what my plans were. told her i was going to go home and get to know the family again.
too bad i didn't get to see it. oh well.
of course we were happy. but then it was also anti-climactic.
traditionally, after the last exam of the bar, bands line up under the lrt along with the students. much like the first day of the bar exam. but then people bring beer and shower everyone walking. then off to some place where the school sponsors a drinking session - called beerops.
we didn't have that this year, owing to the fact that at that time we thought we still had one more exam.
sigh. sad. but then we made up for it. somebody brought over a videoke machine and we started singing and drinking at the lounge. we were few but it was fun.
now the only problem is what to do with my time. i think i'm in for some serious drinking.
Monday, September 29, 2003
sigh. should have been today, but i guess some things can't be helped.
chris, a friend from baguio, sent me a text message. called me atty. i told him that if he's right, i'm going home and i'm taking him drinking. then i'll help him with his bar exam next year. fair trade, hehehe.
right now have to cut this short. have sealant all over my hands and it's taking me ages to peel them off... they're bringing my tiny strands of hair with them. sigh. plumber i'm not.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
i woke up feeling okay and ready to face the world again.
when i got to school, i locked my car with the keys in the ignition. smart girl. luckily the machine shop of the college of engineering was nearby. asked for a wire so i can pick the lock.
i got the wire and set to work. a few minutes later the guard comes over to investigate. he ended up helping me but it turns out he knows about 1/10, maybe less, of what i know about cars. so he just watched. 15 -20 minutes later i was still at it. the lock wasn't cooperating. it simply jiggled in place. it had started raining right after i locked the car. the guard was nice enough to bring an umbrella. when i was about to give up i yanked the wire out in frustration. the lock opened. damn.
attended my lecture. on my way home i passed by for a large container of iced coffee. on the way home it spilled. over my jeans, onto the airconditioning, the transmission and the car seat. it was a lot of coffee. smart girl, leaving the container unsupported.
so i headed straight for home and took a shower right away to wash off the bad luck. my going home was a good thing. saved the rest of the world.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
just found out that we might have to retake commercial law because some idiots in another school had a 100% leakage.
sure that was my worst exam. for the first time in 3 sundays i actually encountered problems which drew up blanks in my data base. but i don't want to have to go through another exam after this sunday.
it's not fair. we slogged through that exam without any help. we agonized over the questions concerning topics which we had thought were excluded. we did our best. and it will be all for naught.
not fair. i hate this.
Monday, September 22, 2003
how could i have lived without my dearest pal??????
played billiards. put my cue stick to use. was a bit rusty (me, not my cue stick) but played a passable game.
which reminds me. my cue stick needs a name. how's about django?
anyways, just typing as the thoughts come.
must be the alcohol. happily tipsy.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh?
Friday, September 19, 2003
but then when a lecturer in a bar review class says it, the phrase transforms itself into words of encouragement.
sure i'll see them in court. not as accused (me) and opposing counsel (them). but as equals, both counsels. i may be a bumbling newbie but hey, i won't complain.
i'll see you in court. those words have never sounded so sweet.
i only hope it happens really soon. and i mean by april of next year.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
the first sunday of the bar we had to line up because we were a little late. it was a long line, probably 200 meters. so we said we'll be early the next sunday.
the following sunday we left about 20 minutes earlier (i left my watch but i decided to just borrow my dad's and not risk being late again.). when we got to lasalle there was no line. people were packing up, and the way to the buildings was clear.
hmmm. we all checked our watches to verify that we were not late. it wasn't even 715 yet. it felt like we had stepped into the twilight zone.
got to the end of the barricaded area. they asked for our permits. i had mine in a plastic envelope in my zipped bag. the supreme court guard was nice enough to open the bag for me and just reach in, since my bag was really packed.
i walked through and decided to pull my plastic envelope out of my bag. it had my permits and about 9 signpens.
when i got to the area where the law deans were standing (they stand there every sunday and wish the barristers from their respective schools good luck), my envelope came free. and so did my pens. all my pens spilled out.
i heard a comment "ang dami niyan ah."
and just when i was about to let myself blush, two of the deans approached me. one of them put a hand on my shoulder and said "don't move, iha. we'll take care of this." he and the other guy picked up the pens and handed them to me.
"ayan. dagdag good luck sa yo ha?"
i found myself smiling like an idiot. and thanking them. my blush never made it. i don't think i was embarrassed at all.
it put me in a good mood. and it filled me with hope, crazy though that thought may be.
there are human law deans pala. :)
Monday, September 15, 2003
yesterday was the second day of the bar. it was EXHAUSTING to say the least.
not to mention difficult. taxation will always haunt me for the rest of my life.
imagine this. i walked out of the exam room and looked for my friends. then we went searching for my dad who was waiting for me. found him. so we all headed for the car.
lo and behold, my dad had a copy of the tax exam. and he answered the 2 questions which i got totally wrong. now that, ladies and gentlemen, sucked.
16 points down the drain and my dad, who is not a lawyer, simply rattled off the answers which i should have known.
maybe i was just so tired from the morning session.
shit happens, i guess. so i slept from 10 pm last night to 7 in the morning. not bad.
but no matter, 2 more sundays to go and i'm free. for today though, i'm hitting the bookstores.
Saturday, September 13, 2003
then came the spanish telenovelas. beautiful women, hunky men... enough said.
but then came the taiwanese telenovelas (or tsinovelas, as they call it). no offense to those who think the members of f4 are delicious, i find myself thinking them quite ordinary. nothing spectacular, you know.
and as if the invasion of primetime tv wasn't enough, the music videos came, then the songs on the radio, and now, my neighbor's kid, who can't be more than 7 years old, is singing the damned taiwanese songs!
i'm betting she doesn't understand a word she's saying. but assuming that she does, i'm pretty sure she would be one of the small percentage of filipinos...
what is it about these foreign shows that get us filipinos all rabid and frothing at the mouth?
but come to think of it, we've been watching english programs since time immemorial.
maybe that's it. at least for me, i grew up in an environment where english programs held reign. different strokes, little house on the prairie, jennifer slept here, cosby show, three's company, and the numerous english cartoons (but hey, voltes v and mazinger-z and daimos rocked) and the ever present sesame street...
english programs were something i took for granted. they were always there. so i didn't think much of it. then when the new foreign programs came on, i got jolted.
maybe i just don't like change. maybe i prefer to listen to songs i understand. maybe i'm racist... (could be.) hope not. i did like sassy girl (korean ), amelie (french), my wife is gangster (korean), 2002 (taiwanese) and malena (italian).
maybe i just don't like the fact that they are getting more coverage than local shows and local artists.
all these maybes.
maybe i just don't like people calling me dawmingsu just because the bar is getting in the way of my haircuts.
oh well. back to the books.
Friday, September 12, 2003
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
1.) shrimp gone bad would take on the exact smell of a fish market.
2.) lanzones which gets stored in plastic and gets exposed to sunlight will smell like a sweaty armpit.
3.) i must be going mad, but at least i smell good.
Monday, September 08, 2003
so i did. breakfast, pack stuff, last minute reading, quick shower then off to la salle. sigh. we almost didn't make it because i left my lunch and goodie bag in the hotel room. but make it we did, thanks to mang ramon our driver, tiborce who made a run for my lunch, and my dad and sister who made sure we wouldn't have to talk to the chairman of the bar committee just to gain admittance. (yes, they do that if you're late)
it was the usual bedlam. schools had their usual welcoming committees lined up under the lrt screaming GOOD LUCK! GOD BLESS! WE WILL TOPS DA BAR!. people were waving, confetti everywhere, bands here and there. tents set up everywhere. people in shirts with various mottos and school logos. it was a fiesta. it was chaotic. and there on the street were cops who had cordoned the area to keep the spectators away from the multitude of barristers who all looked like they were walking to their doom. me included.
then it hit me. not panic, mind you. not even resignation. i suddenly felt sad.
i looked at the spectators and wasn't really seeing them. i remembered how i had envisioned this day would be. wen would go with me from the hotel and walk me to the closed off area and kiss me good luck. then he would run to that place under the lrt and cheer me on. that was how i imagined it would be. back then.
but then there i was. walking with my notes, loaded with a bag filled with books and my trusty jacket. tiborce, my sister and my dad were there, cheering me on. but no wen. like i said, it made me sad. and after wallowing in that sadness for about 5 minutes, i put the vision away.
it was like putting away a well loved toy. the toy that gets set aside either because it had been outgrown, or it was too old and tattered to withstand further handling. i felt a distinct twinge somewhere in the region of my heart.
i think i was saddened more by the thought that what i had envisioned wasn't there, rather than the actual fact of his absence. does that make sense? is there a difference?
oh well. i snapped out of it after a while. mainly because some idiot was screaming something at me... he was calling me dawmingsu (or whatever the hell that taiwanese guy's character's name is). if i wasn't taking the bar i would have jumped the ropes and hit him with my goodie bag.
that's it. after the bar, i am definitely having a hair cut!
night people. time to sleep.