68 days to go before the bar.

i should be worried. i have not been studying.... sure i've been reading but if anybody asked me now about what i've read i'd give him/her a blank stare.

i should be worried. but i'm not. instead i wallow in misery whenever the chance presents itself. or i channel my energies into doing something mindless, like watching dvds till the wee hours of the morning, or playing spider solitaire. or i tinker around with the car. or i cook up a storm.

this weekend was supposed to be a break for me. instead it served to confuse my already muddled brain and shatter my hard-earned composure and fragile peace of mind.

spent a lot of time with my ex. amazing. after 2 months of almost no contact there i was sitting at the same table with him, and when evening came, there i was drinking with him. it felt surreal. for a moment i could close my eyes and pretend that things have not changed, and take comfort in that.

now here i am. back to this thing called reality. instead of worrying about the bar exam, i'm dwelling on what could have been. call me stupid, i suppose i deserve it. back to square one. how to begin to move on.

will i ever move on? should i? am i making sense?

yesterday i was feeling a little sad and sorry for myself. on my way to church i came across a radio station whose dj started reciting this. they made us memorize this in high school. the funny thing is, it all came back to me and i recited along with the dj. baduy ko. but i was alone in the car.

it made me feel absurd for having felt sorry for myself. tapos the dj played what a wonderful world.

when i got to church the sermon was about forgiveness, and that no matter how hurt we are, we will heal. and that there will always be hope.

so i said a thank you prayer. somebody up there was sending me a message. blaring in my ears. and i guess i just wanted to say i was listening. so i'm passing it on.

:) with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.



~Desiderata~

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggresive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.



If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievments as well as your plans.
Keep interest in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.




Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is perennial as the grass...Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.



Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.




And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.



Max Ehrmann copyright 1927.