68 days to go before the bar.

i should be worried. i have not been studying.... sure i've been reading but if anybody asked me now about what i've read i'd give him/her a blank stare.

i should be worried. but i'm not. instead i wallow in misery whenever the chance presents itself. or i channel my energies into doing something mindless, like watching dvds till the wee hours of the morning, or playing spider solitaire. or i tinker around with the car. or i cook up a storm.

this weekend was supposed to be a break for me. instead it served to confuse my already muddled brain and shatter my hard-earned composure and fragile peace of mind.

spent a lot of time with my ex. amazing. after 2 months of almost no contact there i was sitting at the same table with him, and when evening came, there i was drinking with him. it felt surreal. for a moment i could close my eyes and pretend that things have not changed, and take comfort in that.

now here i am. back to this thing called reality. instead of worrying about the bar exam, i'm dwelling on what could have been. call me stupid, i suppose i deserve it. back to square one. how to begin to move on.

will i ever move on? should i? am i making sense?