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i'm 29.
went to an insurance company yesterday to claim my something or other freebie. of course they took the opportunity to try to sell me something. they made such a big deal about me being 29 and single.
first, they didn't believe i was 29 (salespeople. they will flatter you at every turn). then they didn't believe i wasn't married with kids. (bordering on insult. do i look like i've had kids already????) finally they didn't believe i don't have a boyfriend (ma'am with your looks.... like i said, salespeople).
am i past the marrying age? or the childbearing age? i don't think so. what's the hype all about? why do they look at you funny when you're 29, beautiful and single? (ahem)
i am sure there are a lot of people similarly situated. i'm sure they often get asked when they plan to marry, whether they are with a current significant other or not. i know i get asked a lot.
i don't really mind. most of the time. specially if the person asking is particularly dear to me, or obviously well-meaning, without any mean undertones. i simply answer that it'll come, someday. all in good time.
but then sometimes even i don't believe that statement. perhaps the biggest reason why i detest being asked is that even as i give a flip answer, even as i smile and shrug, i am asking the same question.
what if there's no one out there for me? or what if i met him already and i let him go by? what if i pushed him away without knowing i was? or worse, what if somebody else found him already?
i know these questions have no answers. perhaps only the Big Guy Up There has the answers.
still, knowing these questions have no answers does not stop me from asking them.
i don't know. i'm rambling on and on.
sometimes i want to be back in a relationship again. i want the warmth of somebody's arms. i want those hugs that make me feel special. i want to be kissed. i want someone to turn to when i'm deliriously happy, or terribly sad. i want to feel that he is near, even when he's cities away. i want those quiet drives, the comfortable silences, the loving stillness. no words necessary.
or maybe i don't want them. maybe i just miss all these.
all these maybes. i guess i'm just lonely. birthdays do this to me. year after year.
check back in next year. maybe i'll be typing in a different tune.
in the meantime, i'll post the ad that's printed on my shirt that i got from tibs.
"WANTED: dangerously
handsome man. must
like horses, have money,
and look good in jeans.
will train."
