Thursday, August 05, 2004

post birthday blues

before anything else, let me mention that the place smells like burning wires. my sister was fiddling with the cord of her lamp and it went kaboom on her. it plain stinks in here.

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i'm 29.

went to an insurance company yesterday to claim my something or other freebie. of course they took the opportunity to try to sell me something. they made such a big deal about me being 29 and single.

first, they didn't believe i was 29 (salespeople. they will flatter you at every turn). then they didn't believe i wasn't married with kids. (bordering on insult. do i look like i've had kids already????) finally they didn't believe i don't have a boyfriend (ma'am with your looks.... like i said, salespeople).

am i past the marrying age? or the childbearing age? i don't think so. what's the hype all about? why do they look at you funny when you're 29, beautiful and single? (ahem)

i am sure there are a lot of people similarly situated. i'm sure they often get asked when they plan to marry, whether they are with a current significant other or not. i know i get asked a lot.

i don't really mind. most of the time. specially if the person asking is particularly dear to me, or obviously well-meaning, without any mean undertones. i simply answer that it'll come, someday. all in good time.

but then sometimes even i don't believe that statement. perhaps the biggest reason why i detest being asked is that even as i give a flip answer, even as i smile and shrug, i am asking the same question.

what if there's no one out there for me? or what if i met him already and i let him go by? what if i pushed him away without knowing i was? or worse, what if somebody else found him already?

i know these questions have no answers. perhaps only the Big Guy Up There has the answers.

still, knowing these questions have no answers does not stop me from asking them.

i don't know. i'm rambling on and on.

sometimes i want to be back in a relationship again. i want the warmth of somebody's arms. i want those hugs that make me feel special. i want to be kissed. i want someone to turn to when i'm deliriously happy, or terribly sad. i want to feel that he is near, even when he's cities away. i want those quiet drives, the comfortable silences, the loving stillness. no words necessary.

or maybe i don't want them. maybe i just miss all these.

all these maybes. i guess i'm just lonely. birthdays do this to me. year after year.

check back in next year. maybe i'll be typing in a different tune.

in the meantime, i'll post the ad that's printed on my shirt that i got from tibs.

"WANTED: dangerously

handsome man. must

like horses, have money,

and look good in jeans.

will train."


3 comments:

  1. have you seen annie hall? woody allen offers some sort of answer to your questions...

    ang masasabi ko naman is "good things come to those who wait".

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  2. Ako naman, ang bago kong all-encompassing philosophy eh "This (burden or blessing) is mine for as long as it has to be."

    And OK nga ang looks good in jeans. Ayos yan!

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  3. happy birthday sa iyo. sa iyo at higit sa lahat - sa iyo.

    ReplyDelete