nemo's dead and michael jackson killed him!!!!

gotcha didn't i?

michael jackson and nemo are my nephew carlo's gold fish. he named them himself. michael jackson was there first. then nemo arrived.

i don't really know why he named the first fish michael jackson. nemo is understandable but i think the michael jackson name jinxed the fish.

my sister said nemo died because michael jackson got territorial. she said that nemo never really felt at home there and he probably felt like he didn't belong.

i begged to disagree. i told her exactly what caused nemo's death.

michael jackson molested him. and no one can convince me otherwise.

thanks bading

yesterday was a bad day all around. my parents have been in the hospital for almost two weeks already and yesterday we found out my dad has dengue and my mom might be in danger too.

got a severe talking to at work and i walked out of the conference room thinking i must be really stupid.

things at the romantic front aren't any better.

i've never really appreciated the meaning of the phrase "falling apart at the seams." that's what it felt like. and for a moment all i could do was sit down and try not to bawl my eyes out.

sent messages to a couple of friends and one of them told me to have faith, that i shouldn't let my emotions take control of me, and that everything will be fine. i believed him.

but this text message from my beautiful pregnant friend takes the cake:

hey... it's okay. we all have bad days. tom will be better promise. ur dad wil get bettr. ur mom wont catch it. work's just work, u know. and love..wel we know that's a rollr coastr ride. basta isipn mo n lng, u hav 2 stay gorgeous. anong isipn ng anak ko? that i keep ugly company??

needless to say, that put things into perspective. i sent her a message telling her that she needn't fear, i will always be gorgeous. (ahem). to which she replied, "good. yun lang naman ang immediate concern ko eh."

sometimes, when you feel that everything is going dark, the Big Guy Up There sends someone to do His work and give you hope. no matter how absurd the delivery is.

whoever said that He doesn't have a sense of humor is dead wrong.

the high point of my life this month. so far.

wednesday last week found me waking up at 4 in the morning to get ready for a flight to cebu. it was a company thing, and our flight was at 7:30. because i live several provinces away from the airport, my pick up was at 5.

slept on my way to the airport but i was wide awake when i got there at 5:45. my companion richard's pick up was at 6 so it was a good 45 minutes before he arrived.

we checked in and waited. i brought a book along and was reading when richard nudged me, pointing to a guy who was reading a few meters away from us. it was marc nelson (did i get that right?).

i merely nodded. nice face (almost feminine, i thought), nice body. carrying a book. hmmm. pogi points.

after observing him for a while, i went back to my book.

our flight was delayed for an hour. when we got there i was almost cranky because the itinerary we got specifically stated that our orientation was to start at 10. and we got there at 9:30.

we went to get our checked-in luggage. saw marc nelson again, standing there near the conveyor belt. he was with a tall guy in a black shirt and a cap, and an old lady.

i glanced at them, glanced away, and whipped my head back to look. SI PIOLO!

i started shaking richard's arm (almost tore it off, more likely) all the while saying, "si piolo, si piolo!!!" richard started laughing. he could not elicit a decent response from me regarding marc nelson and here i was, going gaga over piolo pascual.

i know, i know. they say he's gay. but man, standing there all i could think about was how good looking he was, and how beautiful his eyes were.

i didn't have the guts to go near and have our picture taken. it would have been friendster-worthy but as i found out, i'm chicken.

i liked seeing him though. and i told all and sundry that i saw him at the airport.

sigh.

does this make sense to you?

this morning on the way to work my sister and i were talking about a couple of her friends who actually spent tons of money (well maybe i exaggerate..) just to have their fortunes told, their tarot cards read, and all other things of similar import. it got me thinking, have i ever spent money to have my fortune told? why are they doing this?

the only time i can recall having my fortune told was when my teacher in communications I told the class that she'll read the palms of the first 3 people to finish their essays. i finished second. she read my palm. no surprises there -- one great love, several affairs, will have to work hard to get what i want.... yada yada yada. oh and one other time when my brother-in-law's cousin offered to read my palm. he wanted to open my third eye. i said no thankee and he just told me then that if i wanted something bad enough, i'm just going to have to ask really hard because somebody unseen was waiting around to grant my desires.

but i never paid for them.

people pay to be told their future. does this mean that the future has happened and it's just waiting for us to arrive? that the life we are leading is just a road we're following and we have no control over the events that take place because they're already fixed? (does this paragraph make sense to you?)

i find that scary. it's like i'm following a script i didn't even know i read, and that all the mistakes, achievements, and other landmarks in my life were dictated. preordained. programmed. one big movie. somebody actually wrote it into the script that i am going to feel this much happiness, this much pain... what kind of life is that? is that even a life at all?

on the other hand, people say that you choose your destiny. choose it? with the choices we make at every crossroad we come to? so for each person there are gazillions of futures and every choice made will dictate which future you'll arrive at? my sister said it's just like those "choose your own adventure" books. each decision leads to a different page and a different destiny. so is it like that? but that's also preordained.

parallel universes perhaps? at some other universe i'm making different choices and experiencing different things, and going to a different path. but it's still me. and sometimes i and the other mes make the same choices that lead to the same place but at different times? (that would explain deja vu some). would that be preordained?

hmmm. this is making me dizzy.

food for thought. if the "future" is preordained, then wouldn't every single authentic tarot reader or palm reader say the same thing? or are they just giving the possibilities?

hmmm. do they go to fortune tellers because they need something to believe in? they need to be told that they're going to be alright, that they'll find love, they'll be happy? if that's the case then i suppose i would gladly pay for that assurance.


but still, i would like to think that my life is my own, and my future unknown. to anyone. that my mistakes are mine, achievements mine, happiness all mine. that they are my own doing. nobody to blame but me, but at least i'm not following somebody else's script.

so i'll ask you again, did this post make sense?

dem lights are on but ders nobody home

me. going to the 41st floor from the 44th. gets on elevator, stares at door. realizes didn't press button. gets off at 39th. goes into another elevator. gets off at 41st.

me. going to 44th floor from the 42nd. with a paper cup full of steaming mocha. gets on elevator, stares at door. presses button. realizes elevator going down. gets off at the 40th. waits for another elevator, goes in, gets off at 44th. cup still steaming.

sigh.

and so it goes

j: ika nga ni Qui-Gon Jinn, "patience my young padawan. keep your thoughts and feelings on the here and now."
me: that, absurdly, makes me want to cry.

totally embarrassing. there i was, sitting in front of my pc and crying.

bad form.

but thanks, j, for the concern. it did make me feel somewhat better, after the embarrassment, that is. :)