santa's in town

happy christmas to all. :)

yes.

"no war" by simioni rampioni.

saw this posted in the assistance lounge in the rome airport. posted with permission from the artist.

holidays here i come!

well not really.

it's just that the last paper for the year is due in a few hours and i can finally catch up on my reading and writing and sleeping and baking and cooking and and and....the whole kaboodle.

yey! countdown.

getting back in the groove, and getting back at bottom-feeders

death is a strange thing. for those who are directly affected, life suddenly stops. meetings cancelled, deadlines extended, occasions forgotten.

but really, life goes on. it is the height of arrogance to presume that the world will stop turning because your little world has stopped. and yet you find yourself resenting the fact that things move on, that friends go to parties, eat out, have fun. no amount of logic will dissuade you from feeling cheated, abandoned, and well, left behind.

the world kept turning when daddy died. court hearings continued, pleadings got filed, meetings proceeded as scheduled. i tried to work at the funeral home but still, it was just half my brain working.

today is the first time that i went to the office since daddy died. try as i may to focus, i find my mind straying, and as i am wont to do when my mind strays, i write. it helps me retain my focus.

so here i am, trying to get back in the saddle, so to speak.

***

the round table

it's good friday. as with all good fridays before this, there was fasting and abstinence. but unlike the previous good fridays, daddy's not here.

it's been 13 days since daddy left and i keep thinking he's just there, inside the room watching tv. it's just that he doesn't want to go out of the room. i keep expecting him to roll in on his scooter and join us for breakfast. or lunch. or dinner.

the other day we had a despedida for my sister jean. it was the first gathering at home since daddy died. his brothers were there, and his sister, with all the kids in tow. i felt such a pang when the stories began.

the center of our home is the round table. i think i've mentioned this before. we would gather around this magnificent round table which seemed to expand and shrink to accommodate the number of people sitting around it. this is where the big decisions are made. this is where we have long long conversations that begin with one meal, and end with the next. this is where we decide to not go to the next class, or not go back to work. this is where we have our best laughs, and the best food.

so last wednesday the brothers and the sister were gathered around the table and i kept expecting daddy to intrude upon the conversation and correct his siblings. i waited for his voice to cut in, full of laughter and derision sometimes. i waited, and i waited.

of course i knew it would not happen. but hearts are neither logical nor reasonable, mine particularly. my heart waited and i was so sure that if i listened earnestly and long enough i was almost certain i'd hear daddy's voice.

the round table is not the same without him.

dear dear daddy. daddy who left on his own terms. he picked the time to leave. he made sure mommy would not be alone, because after all, his brother and his sister in law were in the next suite. he made sure everyone was asleep. he had his favorite ice cream before he left. his last private duty nurse was already off duty. it was a holiday. of course he had to pick a holiday. 

hay. my darling daddy. i know you're just there somewhere, listening in on the conversations we are having about you. now i have no secrets from you. patay! sigh. for as long as you don't tell mommy. :)

goodnight daddy. we miss you at the round table.

a eulogy for my daddy

this morning i woke up to a text message from mommy. it said

"Dad must have wished his youngest little girl were a boy! Why, you proved to be the strongest n had the most resilient disposition during all the remaining last few days of your Dad n even after he breathed his last. Thanks, my dear Tina. you re swell n Del n I are mighty proud of you! God love you n keep you in his loving care!"

the tears came, but not the torrent i expected, or needed.

daddy died on april 9, 2011, at 530 in the morning. i was there, with mommy and two of my sisters, when they stopped reviving daddy. i stared in disbelief as the most important man in my life died.

a few weeks ago my dad was in the hospital at the coronary care unit. it was my first time to see him like that. thin, with tubes in his mouth and nose, and several IVs. he was unconscious and i remember thinking he needed a hair cut. my mom and i set up a vigil in the hospital, only going home to bathe. we slept in the hospital and took turns looking in on daddy.

alam ko may makaka-relate. :P

"ito ay isang tula para kay pedro"

ito ay para kay pedro,
na aking ginusto
inakit, sinuyo, ipinagluto ng mga putahe
sa bawat tanong ko, ang sagot nya ay hindeh.

tayo'y magpakasal, aking aya sa kanya
sinusuklian lamang ako ng ngiti,
may tawang nagbabadya
akin mang alam na may iba s’yang ninanais
handa akong maghintay, handa akong magtiis.

o pedro, o pedro, ano bang maaari kong gawin?
ibig ko lang naman sana'y ikaw ay mapasaakin
buntong hininga ang sagot,
sinundan ng "sana'y ako'y iyo nang malimot."

hinagpis, luha, lungkot ang sa aki'y bumalot
ang sakit ng aking dibdib hanggang buto'y sumuot.

maya't maya pa'y lumipas ang sandali,
tuluyang gumunaw ang aking mundo nang sa akin ay sinabi
“sana’y wag kang magalit, at pag nagkita tayong muli,
sana'y ako ay tawagin mo nang fifi."


-tinabee
3:54 pm, March 21, 2011
ym series 1

8

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!

beers all around!

dahil nagkakagulo na sa ibang bayan - ang aking tribute sa mga ofw

hindi ako naging ofw ever. hindi ko naranasang kumayod sa ibang bansa. pero pakiramdam ko ganito ang pakiramdam ng mga ofw. paumanhin na lamang kung may mali.

may nag-request kasi noon na sumulat ako ng tula para sa mga ofw. si esel. kaya nung minsang nasa mcle ako, at para hindi makatulog, sinulat ko to. pero nakikinig ako nun, pramis. :)

para sa mga ofw natin.

HINDI NA SANA AALIS

Bakit daw kami nagta-trabaho sa labas
Bakit daw kami umaalis ng Pilipinas
Bakit ang pag-unlad nakatali sa pag "abroad"
Bakit hindi na lang sa sariling bayan kumayod?

Aba kung tama sana ang pataw ng buwis
Kung maayos ang pangungulekta at walang halong dungis
Hindi na sana aalis, hindi na ako aalis.

Kung nagsisilbi sana ang mga nakaupo
Hindi nanloloko ang nasa gobyerno ko
Sa Pilipinas na lang ako
Sa Pilipinas na lang ako.

Bakit ko nga naman gugustuhing maghirap
Na malayo sa pamilya matupad lang ang pangarap?
Bakit ko titiisin ang mababang pagtingin
Bakit ko iiwan ang magandang bansa natin?
Alam mo ang sagot, alam ko ang sagot,
Hindi tayo aasenso, hanggat may nangungurakot.

Bawat hirap na dinaranas ko sa labas
Kahit papaano, may ginhawang katumbas
Dito sa atin, malungkot mang isipin
Ang sipag at galing, kay daling balewalain;

Pero kung ako ang iyong tatanungin
Kung ano ang tunay na damdamin
Kung ang patakbo ng bansa'y mabuti't malinis
Ayoko sanang umalis
Hindi na sana aalis.


-tina balajadia
oct. 24, 2007
MCLE series 1

dahil araw ng kababaihan....

sinulat ko to noong 2003. parang napapanahon dahil nga sa RH bill. katuwaan lamang.

ako at si zuma
-ni tinabee


tignan mo nga naman
ang impluwensiya ng lipunan.
nung ako'y papasok pa lang ng kolehiyo
bigla kong naisip
(kahit alam kong katangahan,
dahil sa komiks lang siya)
pano kung dumating si zuma
at hindi ako kinuha?
kasi nga naman,
birhen lang ang mga biktima ni zuma
eh di hindi na niya ako kukunin
para dukutin ang puso ko.
at naisip ko,
pag di niya ako kinuha
ano na lang
ang sasabihin ng mga magulang ko?
ng mga kapatid ko?
naiwan akong buhay
dahil di na ako birhen.
mapapagalitan ako
masesermonan
at tatanungin
kung sino ang salarin.
ni hindi ko man lang naisip noon
na malamang matutuwa sila
na buhay ako,
na hindi ako kinuha ni zuma.
at di na sila magtatanong
kung bakit hindi ako dinukot.
basta naisip ko lang
na magagalit sila
dahil dapat birhen ang babae
kapag wala pa siyang asawa.
tignan mo nga naman.
ang impluwensiya ng lipunan.
parang mas ginusto kong
damputin ni zuma
kesa mabisto ng ama't ina.
kalokohan di ba?
pero ganyan kasi
ang impluwensiya ng lipunan
na nagdidikta sa mga kababaihan
ngunit kadalasan ay kamalian.
pero ngayon may isip na ako
alam ko na hindi darating si zuma
kasi nga komiks lang siya.
alam ko na ngayon
na ang iniisip ko noon
ay kalokohan lamang.
eh ano ngayon kung hindi na ako birhen?
siguro pagkakamali
siguro hindi.
at kung may problema ang mapapangasawa ko
aba, magdusa siya.
sana kunin na lang siya ni zuma.

faith

just found out that all the documents i'm supposed to be working home are now happily in transit elsewhere. i feel a bit disoriented so i decided to blog to get my bearings a bit.

before i decided to blog i scrolled through the updates in my facebook news feed and noticed that people were posting about two things today: the RH bill and the wonder that is God. As with everything i read little conversations erupt inside my head (and no, we do not have multiple personality disorder. we do not.) and because this blog is about me, all these conversations eventually come back to moi, in relation to whatever it is i've read.

for now, let's talk about faith.

edsa thoughts on edsa day.

it's strange. everywhere i see testimonials, videos, articles, tweets, and i hear the songs of Edsa 1986. it's on tv, on the radio, online, and in the papers in various shades of yellow. ninoy and cory photos and sketches abound.

like i said, it's strange. i came from a family that supported THE dictator. my grandmother who i think was in government then would distribute sports equipment bearing the "i (heart) fm" stickers. some stocks were kept in our house. we had jackets, stickers, caps, shirts that said "marcos pa rin."

i was all of ten years old, happily oblivious to the change that was going on around me. all i knew of martial law were the stories  that there was a curfew and that my brothers had really short hair that time. i lived in baguio city and at 10 years old, all i was concerned about was playing after school, and reading junior classics.

to say that my family supported marcos is an understatement. my grandmother hailed from ilocos sur and had a picture with "apo" hanging in the living room. my 3 year old nephew was chanting marcos pa rin over and over. my dad knew marcos personally. i kept repeating the same thing to our principal in grade school then who told me i knew nothing about what was going on.

and she was right. i knew nothing. i lived in a sheltered home. i was never really exposed to the outside world. we were in a private school, there were so many of us at home that we did not need our neighbors as playmates, and my mom drove us to and from school. we had piano lessons, sunday lunches, ballet classes. i was loved and protected, and for as long as i had a book to read and my grades were okay, i was fine. i never knew oppression. i never knew hunger. i never knew fear.

to make the long story short, i knew nothing about the happenings on edsa, or in the philippines for that matter. ang alam ko lang, marcos pa rin.

the news coverage held no interest for me. the adult discussions even less. but if there was one thing i remembered about edsa, it was the songs.

we sang "magkaisa" in school. i even played a lead in one school presentation where we sang it. i knew who sang it. virna liza. my teachers were all hopeful that change was coming, a change for the better, and they involved the students through plays and singing.

i'd stop in my tracks whenever i heard "handog ng pilipino sa mundo." i knew the song by heart.  i'd hum it to myself, i'd sing along. i knew the voices, the changes in song, i knew when to stop to take a breath and sing at the top of my voice.

i did not understand edsa or the events that led to it. but i knew that every time i heard handog ng pilipino sa mundo i would sing along and sing from the heart.

i heard it again today, and i sang along with it.  i felt a bit teary eyed. i was thinking had i been older then i would have been teary eyed too. marcos pa rin or not.

it's been 25 years. i've grown up and i've become more concerned with my surroundings and eventually, i learned about edsa.

edsa was about hope, a new tomorrow, the end of a dictatorship that sowed fear. i never felt the fear, but it was there. i feel sad, though, that the years (and the subsequent presidents) have not been kind to our country.

cory's heart was in the right place. she just wasn't equipped to deal with the responsibility so suddenly handed down to her by the people no less. the following leaders fell short too, of what the country needed.

25 years later i think the hope has dimmed. but it's still there.

the new president has the potential to be a good president. but ONLY if he stands firm in the beliefs he claims to have grown up by. only if his heart is in the right place, and his head on right too. i hope against hope that he does not disappoint the people who put so much of their faith and trust in him.  i hope he does not mar the good memories brought about by his mother.

i hope. and i pray. and today, i remember edsa.

catching up

it's been awhile since i last posted. life got in the way i suppose. let's see, in the past weeks i found myself walking my feet off in cambodia and then getting almost stuck in a tunnel in vietnam, both events deserving their own blog entries. i've been up against deadline after deadline, there's a new baby in the house, and i got myself a nice tan.

i have not gotten drunk in ages and i have not seen the inside of a bar in over a
month.

but it's all good. i missed blogging.

there. boring entry. till next.

ah, beer.

my first beer for the year.

pop, gulp, aaaaaaaah.

my new project

i mentioned i got an iphone 4 in 2010, and i thought i'd put it to good use. the camera is wicked as far as phone cams go, and it'll do as a point and shoot.

one of my friends had a project last year where he took one photo a day for 365 days just using his N96. interesting, so i thought i'd embark on my own project.

so i'm on day 3, and here's my day 3.

2011

the new year is here and though i welcomed the year in a dirty shirt and shorts while grilling slices of pork belly, i somehow doubt that would dictate things for the coming year.

i've taken stock of 2010 and for the most part it's been good. let's not think about the other parts.

i have a lot to be thankful for. i got to spend a lot of quality time with almost all my sisters and the kids, my parents are still kulit as ever, and the work has been good, barring all the disappointments with the justice system.

met some new friends who became old friends in record time, learned how to make paella and callos (thanks ate mia!), baked a thousand or so cookies, and pretty much went back to cooking. got in touch with old friends, something i will always be thankful to social networking for.

of course it was also gadget/accessory year for me. got a 1 terrabyte hard drive, a kindle, an iphone 4, and an HD mini-cam.

but honestly, i'm not sorry to see 2010 go. i had a lot of realizations that year, and a lot of heartache. plus relationships gone awry, friends lost, money misspent, things said that should have been left unsaid, beers undrunk (is there such a word?), promises not kept, tears shed, flu that recurred....and the list goes on.

that's over and done with and time to move on to the next year. i am hopeful that it will be a better year, not just for me, but for everyone. and of course, da pilipins.

maybe this year i will also find a gadget bag to fit all my gadgets nicely (or maybe i'll just make one).

for 2010, i apologize for every unkind word and every uncharitable thought. i thank the Big Guy and the powers that be that i am still here, today, ready to face the world anew.

2011, here i come!