musings.

been a little out of it for a while. haven't written anything even halfway decent for almost 3 weeks. okay, okay, over three weeks.

lately i've found myself taking stock of my life. it starts with: okay, i'm 30. i'm a lawyer. i have a job that pays the bills. i have friends. i have my family who are thankfully all healthy and love me to bits. i'm healthy. what now?

yeah, now what? is this all there is to it? you go to school for what? 20? 25 years? you find a job, get into relationships and mishaps (mostly concurrently), buy yourself stuff, most of which you don't need, see your friends, go out with your family, meet new people... lather, rinse, repeat.

and yet at the end of the day you find yourself wondering if all this is going somewhere. perhaps nowhere? you find yourself thinking that if you were going to be doing this for the next 30 years or so, you'd probably go mad. you wonder if your life is worthwhile, and if it's not, then why the hell not?

am i making sense?

maybe this is why people get married. what they call the logical next step-- to go forth and multipy. technically this is just to have children, but well... most of the time marriage comes with the territory.

maybe if you have children you realize that finally, your job is making sense -- to make money, to be able to nourish this tiny individual who may or may not have your looks, but will have your blood running in his or her veins. then you find yourself smiling this idiotic smile all the while thinking that this creature is truly a bundle of joy, and all yours.

maybe i should have kids so i wouldn't be wondering if my life is worthwhile. but therein lies the rub. no boyfriend on the horizon. my last sperm donor candidate is... taken.

maybe i'm just lonely.

okay, i'm 30. i'm a lawyer. i have a job that pays the bills. i have friends. i have my family who are thankfully all healthy and love me to bits. i'm healthy. i'm lonely.