Thursday, October 20, 2005

musings.

been a little out of it for a while. haven't written anything even halfway decent for almost 3 weeks. okay, okay, over three weeks.

lately i've found myself taking stock of my life. it starts with: okay, i'm 30. i'm a lawyer. i have a job that pays the bills. i have friends. i have my family who are thankfully all healthy and love me to bits. i'm healthy. what now?

yeah, now what? is this all there is to it? you go to school for what? 20? 25 years? you find a job, get into relationships and mishaps (mostly concurrently), buy yourself stuff, most of which you don't need, see your friends, go out with your family, meet new people... lather, rinse, repeat.

and yet at the end of the day you find yourself wondering if all this is going somewhere. perhaps nowhere? you find yourself thinking that if you were going to be doing this for the next 30 years or so, you'd probably go mad. you wonder if your life is worthwhile, and if it's not, then why the hell not?

am i making sense?

maybe this is why people get married. what they call the logical next step-- to go forth and multipy. technically this is just to have children, but well... most of the time marriage comes with the territory.

maybe if you have children you realize that finally, your job is making sense -- to make money, to be able to nourish this tiny individual who may or may not have your looks, but will have your blood running in his or her veins. then you find yourself smiling this idiotic smile all the while thinking that this creature is truly a bundle of joy, and all yours.

maybe i should have kids so i wouldn't be wondering if my life is worthwhile. but therein lies the rub. no boyfriend on the horizon. my last sperm donor candidate is... taken.

maybe i'm just lonely.

okay, i'm 30. i'm a lawyer. i have a job that pays the bills. i have friends. i have my family who are thankfully all healthy and love me to bits. i'm healthy. i'm lonely.

4 comments:

  1. *sigh* i know how you feel. *huge huge huggies for you*

    will writing erotic novels in tuscany, surrounded by beautiful men to do our every bidding help?

    ReplyDelete
  2. yes yes yes!

    thanks. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Jessie! Masaya rin naman maging parent. But you know what? If I did not have responsibilities to my parents and pamangkin and immediate family, I would have volunteered for WWF or any other organization that works for nature conservation. That has been a dream of mine that I guess will never see fruition.

    Ikaw, baka may dream ka na maaabot mo pa ngayon na pwede mo nang gawin. Malay mo, naroon lang rin pala ang The One mo :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. hi watson. naisip ko na rin nga yan eh. to volunteer, i mean. or work for an environmental ngo. :)

    salamat.

    ReplyDelete