Monday, April 28, 2003

so i finally graduated. a week before graduation i went and had my dress made. i got it yesterday morning and i couldn't help smiling. it was what my niece jeanoelle used to call a pwincess dress.

a pwincess dress needed a nice pair of shoes. off to the mall we went. tried around 4 pairs till we eventually settled on a strappy thing. we rushed around the mall because graduation assembly was supposed to be in an hour and my hair was nowhere near fixed. a parlor seemed like a good option. but the idiots at the parlor we went to didn't seem to understand what being in a hurry was. they made me wait for 10 minutes. with less than an hour to go before graduation, patience was a luxury i could ill afford.

my sister and i rushed home, with her boyfriend doing the driving. 30 minutes and counting. i washed up and squeezed into my dress. my sister started fixing my hair. and with no blowdryer on hand it was almost impossible to get my hair into some semblance of order. but a semblance of order was achieved. my sister is a miracle worker. she did my make-up in 10 minutes. at 3 o clock (assembly time) i wore my contacts and nearly cried my eyes out. mascara bits had blown into my eyes and wearing the contact lenses triggered the tears. ah but the show must go on.

wore my shoes in the car and headed to the assembly area. graduation.

got my souvenir program and experienced a moment of panic. my name was not on the list damn! i rushed for nothing! but then it turned out that i was listed on another page. sigh of relief.

sigh. it was hot, my make up was hot, my dress was hot but it was graduation. the euphoria was still there. until i started to feel my feet slowly dying from pain.

nice shoes. sexy shoes. but wearing them was torture. it took every ounce of self control to not take my shoes off and just walk barefoot.

when our college was called, we stood and enjoyed our 5 seconds of fame. it was the university graduation after all. we shouted, we waved, then sat back down.

it felt good. i sat there, contemplating my painful feet, the warm weather, the long dress i had to wear, the french twist my hair was in, the hairpins poking my head, the souvenir program and my moment of panic, my almost foiled graduation.... and i thought, "today is a good day." and it was.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

for the past 2 nights i have been helping at my dad's bar, doing some waitressing and cooking and what-have-yous. it is not an easy job. you come to realize that wiping beer bottles can be a chore, cooking french fries one batch after the other becomes less fun as the potatoes keep coming, mixing drinks is definitely for the pros, and remembering orders is something best left to those equipped for the task.

i managed to stay on my feet but morning came and i felt so dried up and wilted. now i look at the waiters who serve me and my friends at bars differently. i can honestly say that they are experts in the field and i doff my hat. they make things look easy and enjoyable. now that i know better, i regard them with growing respect.

so to all you people out there, be kind to the waiters. their job is not easy. plus, if you're asses with them, remember that they can always spit in your food. :)

Friday, April 18, 2003

one of the saddest things between a couple who have separated is that they run out of things to say to each other. or if they do have something to say to each other, they feel they shouldn't. or even if they feel they should, they realize it doesn't matter anymore. and nothing gets said.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

i am graduating. as tiborce always says, there is a God and she is good. :)

Monday, April 14, 2003

A few weeks ago I wrote something about having ugly kids because in all likelihood I will probably end up with an ugly husband. Though I ended on a hopeful note, my thoughts kept wandering to my kids.
Last night my friend and I were talking about Disney movies, and their sequels which are usually released straight to video. I told him I was excited about Jungle Book 2 because that was one of my favorites and that it was a good thing that it will be shown on the big screen. I started singing a line from one of the songs there. It goes, “…and I will have a handsome husband, and a daughter of my own…
I burst out laughing. Of all songs I could have picked, and of all the lines in that song, I had to pick one that would be quite apt for my state of mind. It seems my brain was sending me happy thoughts without my knowing it.
I just had to smile. It was wonderful to realize that despite my being almost jaded about the children I will have in the future, some part of me still hangs on to hope. Or maybe it knows something I don’t about my genetic make-up. Whatever it is, it’s something to hold on to. People need something to believe in. I am no exception.
So I will hold on to the thought that I will have beautiful children, though their father be not so handsome. But maybe I could push my belief further. I will have a handsome husband. And a daughter of my own.

Saturday, April 12, 2003

it's the year of the goat. i think. well, whatever year it is, a friend said that this year will be a lucky one for those born in the year of the rabbit. (me. i was born in the year of the rabbit) so i looked forward to this year.
but then again, it has been such a bad year that i'm almost tempted to change the year i was born. sigh. maybe i should. like it's possible.
and yet, through all my heartaches and difficulties, i found out one thing. my friends and my family are always there for me. they have seen me through the break-up, my failures in school, my financial difficulties even, and have listened to all the absurd thoughts that run around my head. they laughed when they thought i was silly, causing me to laugh at myself, held me when i needed to cry till i was claimed by exhausted sleep.
okay, so i think i may have been unlucky. but maybe the unlucky part was just the powers that be's way of showing me how lucky i really am. and i will forever be grateful.
it's been 3 months (i think) since the start of the chinese new year. a long way to go. so, year of the goat, i'm ready for you. bring it on.

(may i get mushy? i'd like to say thanks to my sisters kay, anna, mia, jean, lani, my mom and dad, my brother tom, macel, tiborce, karen, becca, edy, nizet, goshi, reyna, fama, q eyes, larry, rina, joee, roommie and al.)

Friday, April 11, 2003

today i just found out that i am not graduating. and though i make a show that i am okay, i am anything but and i don't think anybody can blame me for not feeling okay.

my ex is apologizing, saying he blames himself. after all, he did tell me he was courting somebody else about 3 weeks before finals. i'd like to blame him. that way i will always have someone to throw my anger at. but ultimately the blame falls on me. i was the one who froze during the final exam. well, aside from my pen which refused to write properly. i was the one who could not, for the life of me, remember what i had memorized that very same morning. and i was the one who took the exam. nobody else.

so i guess now i have to send back the gifts i've received for graduation. and try to refund the grad fee they made us pay.

thank god i didn't have my dress made yet. looking at it would have been depressing as hell.