a totally zen weekend

i'm shedding all over the place but that's alright. spent the weekend under the sun, in the water, pigging out...exactly what i needed.

crossroads

this song has been playing in my head. over and over and over. it's a song from sister stella l (which i never got to watch).

i've yet to find a recording of the song though. but if you want to hear it, noel cabangon sings it wednesdays at conspiracy garden cafe(shameless plug). susan fernandez sings it too.

sangandaan

walang komplikasyon sa buhay mo noon
kalooban mo'y panatag, kalangitan ay maliwanag
ang daan ay tuwid at patag
sa buhay mo noon.

ngunit bawat pusong naglalakbay
dumarating sa sangandaan
ngayong narito ka
kailangang magpasya
aling landas ang susundin ng puso?
saan ka liligaya?
saan mabibigo?
saan ka tutungo?

kay daling sumunod sa hangin at agos
aasa ka na ang dalangin
gagabay sa 'yong damdamin
ngunit saan ka dadalhin
ng hangin at agos?

alam mong bawat pusong nagmamahal
dumarating sa sangandaan
ngayong narito ka
kailangang magpasya
aling landas ang susundin ng puso?
saan ka liligaya?
saan mabibigo?
saan ka tutungo?

saan nga ba?

almost full circle

clicked randomly on the links in my archives and i hit this. posts disclosing the reason i started working and some other posts before and after i started working.

i never did get the dx6490. some months after i started working a new model came out in the market. i didn't get that either.

it's been 3 years and i still don't have a digital camera. oh well. 3 years later and i'm still at the same job, with a different title, and a slightly higher salary.

other concerns got in the way, i suppose. instead of saving for my camera i figured i'd have kojak fixed some. i got lost in a bookstore once. i started visiting places around the philippines. buying clothes. a new knapsack. something always got in the way.

things are going to come full circle soon. then maybe i'll get that digital camera.

you're smart. figure it out.

this be me on a saturday night.

http://xkcd.com/c238.html
pet peeve

wordless

how do you say speechless when it comes to writing?

the thing i hated most about working was that it cut into my writing time. back when i was bumming around, or even when i was still in school and reviewing for the bar, i used to just whip out my handy dandy notebook and write stuff down. sometimes i made do with bank receipts, parking tickets, grocery tape receipts, table napkins, paper placemats and what have you. i was never without a pen and even waiting in line gave me a chance to put my thoughts into words.

when i started working i found myself getting rusty. i used to be able to just go through the database that is my brain and pick out the exact word or phrase to describe what i was feeling or thinking. stories popped out of the woodwork and the words just flowed.

lately i noticed that the words don't come as easily. i have to sit back and think of that one word that i knew existed but couldn't find. sometimes it would take only seconds. most of the time it takes a host of minutes, or even hours before my brain cooperates.

i miss the spontaneity. i miss writing poems about anything and everything. i miss writing letters just because.

i'm still rusty. i find myself having to read my writing over and over again to make sure i got the tenses right, that the subject-verb agreement was correct, and that i had sentences that flowed into each other smoothly. these used to be second nature. i could write an essay and not have to look at it again, without worrying that things were somehow misplaced.

and the passion flickers. hell i used to write about lizards, zuma, being fat... anything and everything. but now...i always end up saying i'll write about it some other time. i never do.

this blog was created for two things -- to let steam out, and to make sure i kept on writing.

steam got out. but the writing part got stalled every now and then.

maybe it's time for a new notebook. i have about 30 notebooks, some barely half-filled, but filled some nonetheless. maybe it's time for a change.

too many maybes.

maybe this will remind me of how easy it used to be. less than 5 minutes and still my favorite poem of all time:

stinging
as tears roll
sunlight glares
burns
but the chill
stays untouched
in my soul
by the burning rays.

and now we are four

four years old! imagine that.

went through my archives and found out i only wrote about my blog's anniversary once.

so i'm greeting it today. happy anniversary blog!

visa blues

just saw this lolo gets a visa.

hay.

nung disyembre nagpunta rin ako para mag-apply ng visa at gusto akong ipadala ng kumpanya. dami kong dalang papeles. titulo, sulat galing sa opisina, income tax ek-ek, at kung ano ano pa. matapos ang halos limang oras ng paghihintay (nakatulog na ako at nagising sa waiting area),
eto ang nangyari.

siya: hi, how are you?
ako: hi. am good....actually i'm tired. (sabay pa-cute na ngiti)
siya: yeah me too. so help me out here, what do you do?
ako: i'm a content engineer. i do analysis, sampling, and pricing for incoming projects.
siya: alright...oh, you got denied...oh, it's been a year. alright.

inabot na sa akin ang yellow slip para sa delivery ng passport. nung paalis na ako humirit pa:

siya: (pasigaw) are you any good?
ako: (pasigaw din, may i plip my hair, look ober my syolder, ngiting malaki, at sinabi ko) OH YEEEAAAAH.

ayun. nabigyan ako ng visa. ni hindi man lang tinignan ang aking sertipikeyt op taytol.

hay. minsan talaga malas ka. minsan swerte.

sadya ngang swerte-swerte lang pag umuulan.

it's been 10 years

somebody just said my eyes look dead. i don't know what to make of it. it's been 10 years since anybody's said that to me.

and so i ramble.

saranggola sa ulan. that's the title of my favorite gary granada's song. (it's downloadable by the way. click here)).

literally it means "kite in the rain" and the song insists that ang bato, sa tubig ay lulutang. at lilipad ang saranggola sa ulan. (a stone (rock?) will float in the water. a kite will fly in the rain)

it's a hopeful song. and for someone whose heart is battered and bruised sometimes it's a bit difficult to swallow. to actually believe that miracles do happen.

i'm trying to work right now but the moon peeking outside my window is teasing me, making me feel all sentimental and overly melodramatic.

at times i wonder if i should have held on. never mind who it was i should have held on to. just to simply have held on. i wonder where i would be right now. married with kids perhaps. or separated. or struggling as a single mom. or still single and lonely sometimes.

waxing drama maybe, like i am now.

it gets to me sometimes, not having someone to go home to. but i do cope. all i do is head straight to conspiracy and ask the cook what's for dinner. if they have food they never hesitate to share it with me, even if the food really is just meant for the employees. they welcome me and it feels like home. and then going back to the apartment after dinner to sleep doesn't seem so bad.

sigh.

it's women's day. happy women's day to all ladies out there.

i miss talking to you. thought i'd say (write?) it out loud. even if you never read my blog.

the moon's gone. i have to get back to work.

is this post even making sense?

why is it i always ask myself if i'm making sense?