sometimes i wonder why i am such a sucker for punishment. was cleaning up my mailbox and folders. found some email messages dating back to last year before things started to go wrong. should have exited right there and then but something perverse in me wanted to see what was contained in those messages and why i had kept them.

so i started reading.

my heart almost stopped.

just when you need the tears to fall, they stay checked. and you find no relief from the searing pain. i would have welcomed the sobs. but i guess it wasn't my day.

so here i am. several hours later. still mercilessly free of tears. it is enough to drive anybody mad.