reading the papers

i stopped reading the newspapers a long time ago. or more appropriately, i stopped reading the news. i still visited the comic, sports, and ad sections. plus the crossword puzzles still held my attention and tickled my brain.

i stopped reading because the news had this peculiar effect on me. it made me not want to leave the house. it made me want to just go panic buying, lock myself up in the house, and just curl up with my constant companions - my books. reading the papers made me afraid.

everyday reports come in about someone being massacred somewhere, some person getting gunned down, another one becoming victim to robbers... the list goes on and on. and that's just the local news. how can i, in the interest of my sanity, keep on reading the papers?

tv was different. i have never been a fan of the boob tube. but printed words hold me in thrall for hours on end. it is far easier for me to just ignore the television than to leave the printed pages alone. so i decided to just segregate the news part. and lug the other sections to my room.

lately, however, my sister subscribed to a couple of papers. the other day i picked up a copy. started reading. sigh. hooked.

i read the papers every morning now. and i find that i have more reason to be afraid. the peculiar effect is gone. i don't feel like becoming a hermit anymore. i read the news and i feel... i feel... a mild alarm at the state of things. but that's it.

the anger is gone. the fear is gone. the news have ceased to move me. that, in itself, is scares me. i should be more concerned. i should care about what is happening around me. instead i find myself just looking for the latest promo. or the latest ad that seems interesting.

i've become jaded.

i don't want to be. i want to feel that fiery hate when i see violence reported on print. i want to feel the tears welling when somebody innocent dies. i want to feel that outrage when rights are trampled upon. i want to feel.

so i keep reading the papers. in the hope that one day i will feel fear again. that i will want to panic buy again. that i will want to lock myself up in the house. these would infinitely be better than feeling that mild alarm.

i will read on. and pray that one day i will again be afraid.