it's raining again. i have always liked the rain. i like the sound of the water striking whatever surface, the way the skies darken and how everything is covered by a wet haze. i like the feel of the rain on my face, whether it be a soft drizzle or a stingy downpour. i like the smell of it and how all others smells fade for the moment. i like the smell of cars driving through the rain covered streets. and i like how trees glisten.

but however much i like the rain, i like it when it ends too. everything becomes fresh and clean and the world seems a much nicer place, though it may be an illusion.

rain has stopped. here comes the fog. i like fog too. but that should be for next time.

hehehe. of course you're allowed! i invited you didn't i? of course i can always write in some stuff that you didn't really write. like "crush ko si s...." but it'll be your byline. o di ba happy?

Hmm... Am I really allowed to do this?! :)

Hi, Tina!!! Am I intruding your space? I just clicked on the link that you sent and boom! I'm here! :o

Kakaiba... feel free to boot me out if you want to, harhar... Muah!!!

i tried playing spider solitaire. it's not fun anymore.

sometimes i wonder why i am such a sucker for punishment. was cleaning up my mailbox and folders. found some email messages dating back to last year before things started to go wrong. should have exited right there and then but something perverse in me wanted to see what was contained in those messages and why i had kept them.

so i started reading.

my heart almost stopped.

just when you need the tears to fall, they stay checked. and you find no relief from the searing pain. i would have welcomed the sobs. but i guess it wasn't my day.

so here i am. several hours later. still mercilessly free of tears. it is enough to drive anybody mad.

home sweet home. there's something about the smell of home. you can't really describe it but you know what it is. if comfort had a smell, that would be it.

got home last night and it's been the most restful sleep i have had in quite some time. plus when i woke up my nephews and my niece were here... ahhhh bliss.

i don't really know why i left home to study in the first place. i love it here, despite all the quarrels, the hassles, the financial struggles (which fade into a distant haze every time i go back to school), i am happiest here. i can just stay at home and bake to my heart's content. or make chocolates. yet i left. that was 11 years ago.

i still remember how i felt the first night i spent away from home. it was a day before the first day of classes and my mom brought me to the dorm. we were carrying boxes and pails and all the essentials required for dorm living.

when i stepped into my room i looked in dismay. the paint was peeling, they had those metal beds that looked like they had been rescued from a life in prison, the windows were screened off to keep the bugs away so there was no view to speak of, the mattress was lumpy and the room was small! to top it off, i was sharing the room with a stranger i had yet to encounter.

when my mom left i sat on the bed and cried. i was 16 years old, away from home and i was in a room that looked like a closet.

eventually my roommate arrived. she turned out to be a really cool person. we're still in touch. she made my dorm life bearable. but i digress.

i left home to study. i ended up in the dorm feeling like i shouldn't have. but you know what? i grew to like that room. i began to look forward to coming home to the dorm so i could sit on the bed and wedge myself into the corner.

but home was still home. and now, 11 years later i still long for home. i plan to go back here assuming i pass the bar, and work here. it would be good to be back. cost of living is lower, parents a drive away, kids a shorter drive away... yes i think i'm going to like that.

it would be like a new beginning for me. well maybe it is.

so i'm going back to manila on monday feeling renewed i hope. i have to pass the bar. it would be the only way for me to come home for good.

so hit the books, i must.

and cease this senseless rambling.

coolness. plain and simple. check out this guy's site. he made a site for the new honda accord commercial in UK.

sorry wasn't able to get permission from him but the email was circulating. so thanks to him.

http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html

today is my birthday. i am officially 28 years old.

this is not a day i would care to remember. something happened today.

i only hope that.... hell i don't know. there's somebody i don't miss.

happy birthday to me.

the world is too small.

had dinner with a friend last night who brought over a friend whose bestfriend is a friend and former officemate of my ex. how's that? this bestfriend calls up my friend's friend and my friend's friend said i knew him (bestfriend). he (friend's friend) gave my name but it didn't seem to ring a bell. so i gave my ex's name. my friend's friend told his bestfriend that i was a friend of my ex (after all i had just met him. he had no idea) lo and behold he recognized me and asked the question. Are they married already?

damn. i told my friend's friend to tell his bestfriend that we were no longer together.

the world is really too small. if it gets any smaller it will burst at the seams.

i am a grandmother at 27. or grandaunt? whatever. my nephew's wife gave birth to a baby girl a few days ago. he is all of 19 years old, still in school and wet behind the ears.

when i first found out about my nephew getting his girlfriend pregnant, i had this vision of kids who are older than my kids calling me lola. i am not married. (well as anybody who has read the previous postings would know). nor will i be getting married anytime in the near future. maybe after the bar.

i digress. point being, after the initial disappointment at my nephew's carelessness, i felt a twinge of envy. okay, maybe something a little more than a twinge.

i have always liked children and i had thought when i was younger that i'd be having them by the time i'm 25. that was my plan. get married at around 24, start having babies at 25. that way, said my wise high school self, i will be able to run around with them and be their pal.

alas. here i am. 27, turning 28, no children, no boyfirned and no prospects of getting married within the year. so i guess i get to wait at least another year for my very own bundle of joy. sigh.

grandaunt at 27. ang ganda ng lola mo! ü

i should be studying. but i suppose it's healthy to take a break every now and then. for the first time in months i am actually absorbing something. probably because i got to play volleyball last night. it helped a little.

last night i went to help a friend get her volleyball team together. went to her office and as luck would have it, her office was a block away from my ex's office building. i felt like an idiot saying a mantra which went like this -- i will not look, i will not look, i will not look..... it was the end of office hours after all. and we all know that the powers that be's sense of humor is not something we can appreciate all the time. if they had seen fit, i would have come face to face with my ex and his girlfriend. that would have sent me into shock.

so i said my mantra, kept my head down and prayed for the concrete to swallow me whole. it must have worked because i was able to go to my friend's office without any untoward incident marring my day.

and i got to play volleyball!!!!!!!!!!! it's been ages since i last played and even though i was just "coaching" it still felt wonderful to get a hold of that 3 colored ball.

now my body aches in places where i had forgotten i had muscles. but the aches are welcome. i'm alive, i slept well, and i'm in the zone (studying i mean).

sometimes the little things make a load of difference. and i never let a day go by when i don't thank the Big Guy Up There for the little things.

ü

it used to be so uncomplicated. two people find out they love each other, exchange i love yous, stay together, get married have children. all that was needed was love for a couple to be together.

one person goes, i love you. the other goes i love you back. that was it. there were no other considerations except maybe for financial security or the parents' approval. the main ingredients being the couple and their love.

now when somebody says i love you, there is a "but" attached. "i love you...but i love somebody else." or "i love you...but you love somebody else". or "i love you... but some cosmic force is keeping us from being together" or "i love you... but you're not the one for me" or "i love you...but the timing is not right" or "i love you...but i don't want to be involved right now."

the list of "i love you buts" goes on and on and on.....

since when did the word "but" attach itself permanently to the much awaited phrase "i love you?" when did the i love you become a statement that gets said only when there is a disclaimer?


is it still love? what do you do when somebody you love says i love you and then goes back to his or her significant other? do you believe that person? do you say i love you back? do you even acknowledge the statement or brush it off as a flight of fancy?

all these questions. love has become so complicated. it's no wonder people keep separating.

don't you long for the day when somebody says i love you, you say i love you back. period. that's it. no explanations, no disclaimers. a mere exchange that guarantees happiness and comfort.

i know i do.

when i was in first year law school i went to my first inter C party. inter C meaning all the members from all 4 batches of section C. It was a good chance for the freshmen to get to know the older batches and vice versa.

of course there was publicity. and the flyers read "we work hard, study harder, play hardest."

it's been 2 years since i last attended an inter C party. last night, my sister and i went. and by the time we got there the party was already in full swing. people were drinking, there was a game ongoing involving couples, and the music was blaring. same as my first and second inter C party.

things have not changed, i suppose. and sometimes that is a good thing.

68 days to go before the bar.

i should be worried. i have not been studying.... sure i've been reading but if anybody asked me now about what i've read i'd give him/her a blank stare.

i should be worried. but i'm not. instead i wallow in misery whenever the chance presents itself. or i channel my energies into doing something mindless, like watching dvds till the wee hours of the morning, or playing spider solitaire. or i tinker around with the car. or i cook up a storm.

this weekend was supposed to be a break for me. instead it served to confuse my already muddled brain and shatter my hard-earned composure and fragile peace of mind.

spent a lot of time with my ex. amazing. after 2 months of almost no contact there i was sitting at the same table with him, and when evening came, there i was drinking with him. it felt surreal. for a moment i could close my eyes and pretend that things have not changed, and take comfort in that.

now here i am. back to this thing called reality. instead of worrying about the bar exam, i'm dwelling on what could have been. call me stupid, i suppose i deserve it. back to square one. how to begin to move on.

will i ever move on? should i? am i making sense?

yesterday i was feeling a little sad and sorry for myself. on my way to church i came across a radio station whose dj started reciting this. they made us memorize this in high school. the funny thing is, it all came back to me and i recited along with the dj. baduy ko. but i was alone in the car.

it made me feel absurd for having felt sorry for myself. tapos the dj played what a wonderful world.

when i got to church the sermon was about forgiveness, and that no matter how hurt we are, we will heal. and that there will always be hope.

so i said a thank you prayer. somebody up there was sending me a message. blaring in my ears. and i guess i just wanted to say i was listening. so i'm passing it on.

:) with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.



~Desiderata~

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggresive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.



If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievments as well as your plans.
Keep interest in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.




Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is perennial as the grass...Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.



Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.




And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.



Max Ehrmann copyright 1927.