from my family to yours....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

merry christmas all

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!

i do

yesterday i attended a friend's wedding. drove all the way to alabang, and suffered through an hour of traffic just to get through the filinvest exit.

missed the first part but i was there during the "i dos." the bride was crying, and i felt like crying myself. mainly because she was crying because she was so happy, and partly because i was sad.

i had always thought i'd be married with kids by this time. it was a plan i recall voicing out in our play production class in high school. when asked how we saw ourselves 10 years from that day, i said i would be married with a kid or two.

alas, it's been over 12 years since that day, and here i am with a relationship here and there that will never really end with happily ever after.

so when did the plan go awry?

i don't know.

times like these.... (cue in: you need a juicy...) i end up wondering what's in store.

and hoping and wishing that the past had turned out differently.

but then again, i have few or no regrets. i like who i am right now, and i guess that's the most important of all.

hmmm. maybe somebody will like who i am right now too, and i'll end up liking him too.

(santa, you listenin?)

i am an insensitive ass

tuesday, at the office.

her: leave ako next week.
me: bakit?
her: namatay lolo ko kaninang madaling araw.
me: (laughing) SI FPJ????
her: hindi, namatay talaga lolo ko.
me: ah... eh.... ah...

playing teacher

last week i started training the new hires for the project. there are seven of them and i'm thankful they're quick studies.

this would be a first for me. the only experience i have ever had which involved me training people was during my law school days when i had to teach basic volleyball to my team mates, and a short stint getting somebody's team ready for a game.

volleyball is easy. the basics are there, and most of the time, the players have the necessary skill and mind set. thus, even if i can only teach them so much (i was never great at volleyball. zero focus and disclipline), i had something to work with, and so did they.

the training i'm handling now is a different matter. if they cannot grasp the concept, i have to come up with ways and means to make sure they get it. they had already hurdled the first obstacle - getting hired. so it would be up to me to get them through the next step.

it's exhausting, and most of the time i feel like i'm grasping at straws, trying to make myself understood. hindi kasi ako teacher talaga. what may sound perfectly logical to me may sound greek to them. plus, i never really had training myself. i am merely teaching them what i learned along the way,

it's been 5 days since they started training. so far there's been progress, and i'm proud of them. i call them my kids, though some are older than i.

i only hope i don't let them down. and vice versa.

this is what happens when you have unlimited internet access

"out of 71539 people the average score was 61%."

well.... otay.

You are 87% Flirt

How Much of a Flirt Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hehe.





Which Sex and the City Vixen Best Matches Your Sex Style?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whoa.

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pushing the envelope

it's been months since i've posted anything even half-way decent. mainly because my laptop is busted, and the computer in the office is used by everybody. i don't particularly appreciate someone reading over my shoulder while i rant and rave.

what's more, it's been an exhausting month. yesterday marked the first month since i started working again. back at the same company with a different job description. i get to pass on my meager knowledge. :) i train the newbies. hmmmm. actually that's the small part of my job. my jd says "and such other matters" under the things i'm supposed to do.

the such other matters part eats up most of my time. and my energy. been working 12 hour shifts for the past week, and the drive home zaps the little energy i have left.

i hardly have time to read, and no time at all to write. :(

i'm beginning to feel stupid. and awfully ugly because of the dark circles under my eyes.

must. read. again. but. first. must. sleep.

you know who you are

"i said to you the one gift which i'd adore
unwrap a package of the next ten years unfolding"

-language or the kiss, indigo girls

happy birthday daddy

went home yesterday afternoon to celebrate my dad's birthday. unfortunately, by the time i got to baguio, the party was over, there was no food left, my mom was asleep, and my dad was happily drunk with some of his friends.


still, had dinner, chatted with my sisters some, and enjoyed the baguio air for 2 hours. then back to manila because of work. so there.

sabi nga ng ate ko: "ano'ng ginawa mo dito? umihi ka lang?"

mismo.

(this is me with my mouth open in an impossible smile with right hand waving, wrist wrist, elbow elbow.)

our department had its christmas party last night. lewd games involving bananas, food and more food, and an awards segment. i got voted........(drum roll please) FEMALE STAR OF THE NIGHT!

yes, ladies and gentlemen. although for the life of me i could not figure out why.

i got a nice martini glass though.

good night, all in all.

sigh of relief

last night i drove home from work and it took me three hours to get there. mainly because it was raining and people were sent home from makati sometime around 4 pm.

i didn't mind the drive. i wasn't really worried about the storm. at least not for myself. i knew we would be safe in the apartment.

what really got me worried was that the path the storm was going to take would be the same path of the previous 3 storms. now how bad is that? you don't have to be a genius to deduce that another storm passing through already wrecked provinces would be too much already.

but then when i woke up this morning i found out that the storm had lessened considerably, and that the signals had been lifted. WHEW.

of course i found out i had to go to work. but then that is definitely a teeny teeny price to pay.

thanks to the Big Guy Up There.

see mrt

me in traffic: see mrt parked. see mrt start. see mrt pick up speed. bye mrt. :(

why people should not stay on roof decks in ayala if they plan to do some hanky panky

was blog-hopping when i came across this post by ursula_lear.

18 nov 2004 @ 15:32 Sight for Sore Eyes
Work stoppage at the factory as we all pausing to watch guy-on-guy action on the roof deck poolside across our nice tall building. Comes with deck chair and swim trunks as props. La! I'd take a picture but my phone doesn't zoom. Creepers, it's happening right now.

~~~~~~
10 mins later.

Still happening.

we happen to work in the same place. and yes i saw this. we had binoculars. but the person under was wearing a towel over the head. tsk. no wonder the guy on top had his back to the other guy. I THOUGHT IT WAS A GURL. stupid me.

inconsiderate bastards

i suppose everyone's heard of the meningococcal disease in baguio. i see it on the news and people keep asking me about it, since they know i am from baguio.

for the past 2 weeks we have been looking for the vaccine. i have a niece and a nephew who were not given the vaccine. naturally we were worried because these are children who don't know any better. although one is an infant and stays home all the time, the boy goes to school. he does not know the concept of avoidance. he will not avoid his classmate who is sneezing, nor will he stop playing with his friend because that friend has cough. no matter what you tell kids, they will keep on playing with their friends.

so we kept searching. there are no available vaccines in the hospitals in manila. i called up some friends from iloilo and leyte. no luck. finally we got word that there were available vaccines from the DOH. when we asked if we could get some, we were told that the vaccines were sent to baguio. my sister, who is a pediatrician, said they still couldn't get any.

i asked another friend to order from a pharmaceutical company. the same word. they couldn't get any. they said that the vaccines were being hoarded.

tangina nila. what do they want? they want to up the price of the vaccine so it will be available only to those who can afford it? fucking inconsiderate bastards.

i hope they get what's coming to them. in the meantime we can only keep searching for vaccines, perhaps call our relatives abroad.

and pray.

hang ten

i hate that hang ten billboard showing a guy in jeans who looks like he's having a really bad hair day. absolutely hate it. yun lang.

new president

the deadlock in the search for the new UP president was broken the other day. chancellor emerlinda roman is the new president.
the first female up president. coolness!


here's what faculty regent sergio s. cao had to say about it

chief of staff

my sister's best friend asked me to help her out at her wedding next year. sure, i said. when i asked my sister to clarify what it was i was going to do, the best friend replied that my role would be like the chief of staff of the AFP.

heyng?

i wonder what it was in the history of our friendship that gave her the idea that i would be effective as her so-called "chief of staff". hmmmm.

googlism

took a cue from tibibord. go figure


Googlism for: tina b

tina b is an artist known equally for her eclectic solo
tina b is next
tina b is an artist known equally for her eclectic

anything but gay

in my previous post i said i was going to the gay and lesbian party in baguio. the article i read said they were expecting about 1000 delegates. i was excited, of course.

when i got to the party, there were a lot of people in the lobby. the crew of "out!" was there, cameras and all. there were several gays in drag and they looked great! there was someone there wearing a pink sequined stetson hat (don't know if i got it right). rainbow colored feather boas were all over the place. saw a lot of my friends there, too.

the curious thing about it was that, all the people were in the lobby. the convention center was practically empty. there were 3 people onstage dancing and a few people seated at the sides. empty. almost.

the people i saw at the lobby composed the party. and most of them left. we got our complimentary beers and got plastic cups half-filled with foam.

we decided to just go to another bar.

it's sad because i think the organizers had such high hopes. but then in my humble opinion, i think it was a bit ambitious. the venue was too big to begin with. it felt cold and distant inside that venue. it wasn't really advertised very well. the only time i heard about it was about 3-4 days before the event. and i was in baguio already.

maybe this will be a lesson for their future events. i hope they have more success.

tomorrow night is going to be fun

hmmm. there's going to be a party tomorrow at the baguio convention center. it's about 2 minutes away from my house.

the party is going to be a launching party for the lumina project, which is "a charter convention or gathering of all gay and lesbian people and organizations, together with straight people, to create and strengthen a network to showcase their talents and achievements, as well as to allow them to 'come together in a collective voice of reason, sobriety and enjoyment.'"


(see story here)

outfits should be straight from the 60's. sounds like fun!

so as soon as goshi and ed arrive tomorrow, we're going to hit the ukay to get some 60's clothes.

those in the area might want to check it out. see ya!

"go do that voodoo that you do so well"

or so my horoscope from yesterday advised me. saw it today because i've been staying away from the papers.

"cancer: you want to be free to do your own thing now. you don't want others bossing yuo around. you feel prankish, playful and flirtatious. ('go do tht voodoo that you do so well.')"

hmmm. sounds like a plan.

bertdey

i entered up diliman as a geodetic engineering freshman. geodetic engineering. my block was D7, which included students from the other engineering fields.

natural, dahil freshman ako, tatanga-tanga. i met a couple of girls, kathy and cora. they were nice to me, told me what to do with my classcard, and basically helped me along. kasi absent ako nung first day.

then they introduced me to emman. mataray si emman, mga kapatid. i never thought we'd be friends. feeling niya, di daw ako ma-reach. feeling ko pag kasama ko sya, ang tanga tanga ko. particularly in math. (oo, ibinagsak ko ang math)

anyways, we became friends. (or i'd like to think so) hehehe. over the years we've seen each other about 3 times a year. he comes to my birthdays, and roasts my friends to everyone's delight.

today is his birthday. happy birthday emman.

alam mo, mas masaya ang buhay kasi anjan ka. :D

fireball

my sister brought out the playstation a couple of days ago. she hogged it the first day and played crash bandicoot till 5 in the morning. yesterday, however, i wanted to use the dancepads. yes. dancepads.

to my great disappointment, the dance revolution cds were gone. but i, the ever persistent i, decided i was going to do the dancepad thing. so i got the dragonball-z cd. man oh man.

t was on the other pad. i tell you, trying to eke out a fireball by stomping repeatedly on the pad will really tire you out. but seeing that small burst of light and knocking out your opponent more than make up for the fatigue.

as of now, i am the undefeated dancepad dragonball-z champion. ha. [insert string of japanese words here]

it's inhuman

brought carlo to school this morning. there i was, blurry-eyed from sleep, with my hair standing on end (not really. my hair never stands on end), negotiating the early morning traffic a little after 7.

i suddenly remembered how it was when we were in grade school. back then there was no traffic to speak of but our school was a full 25 minutes away from the house. our classes started at 7:15.

it was hell trying to wake up in the morning. specially during the months from september to february. the fog would come in, the sun would be hiding, and it was always so very cold. when i think about it i realize that it was like some sort of punishment. these days i find it difficult to get up early -- and that's in manila. what more for these kids?

but then again they're probably used to waking up really early for school. and sleeping early to boot. all i know is that carlo was all perky by the time i woke up. although i seem to recall my sister insisting that he wake up already or he'll be late for school..

oh well. i'm glad i'm not back in grade school. but now i'm wishing i was back in high school. sigh.

the unpleasant profession of jonathan hoag

diplomat is a second hand bookstore here in baguio. i'm not sure if there are branches elsewhere.

the other day i found myself browsing their bargain bin. red tags meant the book costs only 5 bucks.

spent the better part of an hour browsing and before i left, my friend came across a heinlein book. i picked it up and added it to my stash. i bought the book because i was so fascinated by the title. the unpleasant profession of jonathan hoag. it's the 1976 edition.



turns out the book is a collection of short stories. finished reading the first story last night. nothing spectacular but hey, it's heinlein and i grok it. :)

dysfunctional

yesterday the whole of baguio was plunged into darkness.... naks. hindi naman. there was no current from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. naturally carlo was bored and was wondering why.

carlo: lola bakit walang kuryente?
lola: kasi napag-isipan nung mga taga-beneco (electric cooperative here) na sabay sabay umihi. dahil walang magbabantay sa kuryente, ni-off na lang nila.
yan. ganyan sumagot ang nanay ko ng mga tanong. so we grew up stir-crazy. now she's doing it to carlo.

happy di ba? we may be dysfunctional, but there is never a dull moment in this house. and i like that just fine.

priceless

as a reward for doing his kumon homework, i brought my 8 year old nephew carlo to the mall. i made him choose between buying film for his camera, or buying a toy. he chose the toy.

off we went to toy kingdom. he headed straight for the cars. i was a little surprised that he chose a sedan type car which cost less than a hundred bucks. but i wasn't about to complain. :)

he asked for fries so we ended up in mcdonald's. i was pleasantly surprised to find that twister fries are back! so i got twister fries for carlo and a cup of milo for me.

over fries we had this conversation:

carlo: tignan mo tong car ko, kakulay ni bogart o. (bogart is my box-type lancer. navy blue)
me: oo nga ano? pareho silang blue.
carlo: tita, ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng bogart?
me: wala. pangalan lang sya nung car.
carlo: hindi, yung bogart yung nasa loob ng ilong (while pretending to put something into his nose.)
me: (syempre gulat!) HINDEH! BOOGER YUN!
carlo: ah.

after which he went back to eating his fries.

toy car: P79.75
fries and milo: 64.00
booger conversation: priceless.

bum

i'm a bum again.

here i am, eating breakfast in front of the computer, listening to the rolling stones sing "miss you."

i put my cell phone far away from me, and i have no deadlines or pressing appointments.

chatting with some friends who are now at work, and answering emails i haven't been able to reply to in the past 3 weeks.

so far it's been good. went out for a drink last night but went home early because i was too lazy to drink any more.

hmmm. knowing myself i will get tired of doing nothing in about 3 days. then where will i be?

oh well. enjoying it while it lasts. job-hunting to commence soon.

back to my hot chocolate.

balik maynila

am back!

after a 3 hour flight from thailand, it felt good to be around people who spoke tagalog. grabe. dinugo ako sa ibang bansa. ang hirap magpaintindi pag hindi marunong uminggles ang mga tao sa paligid.

the funny thing was, in all the countries we went to, we were mistaken for locals. so they all spoke in their native tongues when talking to us. at siyempre ang sagot namin, english please!

it was my first time out of the country. my sister gave the trip to me as a birthday gift which i claimed only after the bar. am glad i got the chance. it was an experience that i will remember for a long time.

there were a lot of opportunities for mishaps, like almost being left on an island by the last train because we couldn't understand the announcement, finding out that the cab driver had no idea where the place we were going to is located, having no map to go around, getting caught in little india with enough money left only for the train, which we couldn't find... the list is long. but at the end of the day we just found ourselves laughing and congratulating each other for winning the day's leg -- ala amazing race, and for getting to the hotel safe and sound.

several times during the trip i found myself feeling sad for the philippines. kasi parang ang progressive nung mga ibang bansa. disiplinado ang mga tao. of course there were exceptions but on the whole, people were pretty much disciplined enough to not litter, not push, not run red lights, and generally follow the law.

nakakalungkot. but i realized that we can do it if we tried. perhaps we lack pride. not in ourselves as individuals but we seem to not take pride in being filipinos. collective pride kumbaga. kaya natin eh.

ewan.

other than those moments, though, the whole trip was fun. rina and i enjoyed ourselves immensely. and the fact that we were working with a limited budget added spice, not to mention hysteria, to the whole experience.

will put in a more detailed account when i get hold of a computer i can hog.

it's good to be back. :) am home.

hello

rina and i are doing our version of the amazing race. 4 countries in 12 days. how's abouts dats?

we are now in singapore. we arrived from indonesia yesterday. then off to malaysia then thailand.

so far it's been an adventure. tell you all about it when i get back. all i know right now is that i'm getting very good at monosyllabic answers.

:)

we do not have a monopoly

Arguments Before the Committee on Patents of the House of Representatives on H.R. 1885, 59th Congress (May 17, 1906).

Mr. Chaney: If you proposed to do this in horticulture, might you not authorize a man breeding horses to get out a patent on an improved breed of horses?

Mr. Walker: The difference is very marked. In horticulture you produce new varieties, while in animals you do not. If somebody could produce an animal that had the speed of the horse, the patience of the ox, the intelligence of the dog, and the wisdom of the elephant all combined, then perhaps he ought to have a patent on that animal.

Mr. Southall: Then you would give a man a patent on a mule?

Mr. Walker: Yes, although the patent on the mule would have expired by now.

The Chairman: But in the first instance you would give a patent on a mule?

Mr. Walker: Yes, we would on that principle give the man who bred together the horse and the ass a patent on the animal produced; that was undoubtedly a benefit to mankind.

Mr. Chaney: The late Mr. Ingalls would object, because he said that the mule has neither pride or ancestry nor hope of posterity.

H.R. 18851 did not become law.

this amused me no end. :)

*www.westlaw.com

owie!

went to get myself vaccinated today. there is an outbreak of chicken pox in the office and since i don't seem to remember being infected when i was younger (neither could my mom, for that matter), i thought it best to get a shot. plus a flu shot for good measure.

my cousin bien administered the shots. imagine my shock when he asked me this question:

madami ka bang taba sa tyan?

heyng????

i thought he was just making cracks about me being fat. apparently he was not.

he said it would be less painful to get shots in the stomach if there's fat. there'll be less blood too. i, being the younger cousin and oh so trusting of mr. doctor cousin, decided to take the shots in my stomach.

there was no warning. first he was just pinching about 3 inches of my stomach. and then WHAM! i couldn't help it. i practically whimpered in pain. the vaccine was a suspension -- powder dissolved in liquid to reconstitute it -- and it was PAINFUL! i took it as a good sign though. there may be less fat there than i first thought.

the second shot was a little less painful, but painful nonetheless.

after the 2 shots, my legs felt wobbly, i felt sleepy, and oh so tired. i had to go back to the office to try to get some work done but i was starving already. i ended up just reading some and then we had dinner already.

now am all pooped. waiting for the fever which is a common side effect of vaccines.

oh well. at least when i go out of the country i'll be protected against the birds and the chickens.

twisted

yesterday morning i was watching tv when i came across a program where they were discussing religion. there were priests and bishops being involved. i don't really know why i stopped to watch but i did. (religious programs are not really my cup of tea)

what i heard left me slack-jawed in disbelief.

the priest (or bishop, am not really sure) was saying this about pre-marital sex and birth control:

"pre-marital sex and birth control are not wrong because the church says they're wrong. they're wrong because they're really wrong."

huh?

okay. it's the church. i'm there already. sex should be within the confines of marriage. and the bible said go forth and multiply. i'm there too.

but then we have to look at what is actually happening now. it's out there. people are having pre-marital sex. and some of these encounters end in people having babies. hence the multiply part.

but in my opinion, letting kids grow up in the streets, barefoot
and hungry, is way up there on the "WRONG" scale. mothers leaving their newborns to die in garbage bins or in gardens, or worse, under trucks, is a greater crime than practicing birth control.

people engage in pre-marital sex. that's a fact. perhaps in a perfect world people shouldn't. but they do. so we have to approach this in an appropriate manner. why say that birth control is wrong? is it, really? don't you think that it would be better to at least have a safety measure so that what they perceive as wrong will not be compounded?

and what of those who have more kids than they can feed? just because birth control is "wrong." i see kids in packs, running in the streets and begging. what will become of them?

nobody wants to hear about babies and children begging and starving. or babies dying. i'd rather hear about an increased sale of condoms. or pills.

the irony of it is that i've encountered women who got pregnant out of wedlock because they said that birth control is not right. yet they indulged in pre-marital sex. something which the church considers equally wrong. twisted, huh?

i'm probably not making sense. but it just ticks me off that people can be so blind. if people can stay chaste, hell why not? but for those who don't, or can't, or whatever, why aren't they taught to at least practice safe sex? that way there will be no children to suffer from the indiscretion of their parents.

hay naku.

basta, in my world, it is still more of a crime to have kids go hungry.

every breath i take

somebody is stalking me in the office. i afraid.

back in the saddle again

back to work, actually. but only for the next two weeks. my contract says i'm a "consultant." big word that would look nice in my next resume.

anyway, the months between july and october seem to have faded into the woodwork. much like a bad dream that is best forgotten. when i got back to the office it was like i slept july 15 and woke up to october.

work is tedious. i think i should have taken a break (aside from the nights out, that is) before going back to work. but then again, this stint is only for two weeks, then i'm hopping on a plane and will be off to somewhere.

looking forward to that. this is a boring post. :D brain slow.

must have food.

let this remain untitled

this afternoon i was having a text conversation with my ex's older sister. i told her to come over to baguio since she always looks for me when she's here. but as luck would have it, we never get to meet up. so i told her to come up to baguio. it is only a 45 minute bus ride after all.

anyway, her reply was: "baba ka na lang daw sabi ni papa. dito na tayo inom. maghahanda kami ng pulutan."

i thought about it. it would be nice to visit. it's been over a year since i last visited that house. but then again, i decided it wouldn't be a good idea.

i mean, i know i'm welcome. i don't think i will ever be unwelcome in that house. i practically grew up with that family (been hanging out with them since i was 15). i'm ninang to several babies, (and will be again next year) , they've seen me gain and lose weight and gain it back again (plus some more). point being, i've known them long enough.

all that aside, there's something missing. the sense of belonging is gone. i can't just up and go there and plunk myself down on their sofa.

i'm little better than a stranger now, i suppose.

but these things happen. malungkot. pero ganyan talaga.

so i guess i won't be going there. except maybe for the occasional "hi" on my way to the beach.

she's just going to have to come up. :)

...

it's finally over. and that's all i'm going to say about that.

my new toy

got a new toy from my sister. it's a pocket pc!!!!

haven't explored it to my satisfaction yet but so far we've had a good working relationship. he recognizes my handwriting, and i keep him charged and dust free. fair deal, i should think.

can't wait to figure out all its capabilities. :) now to get a keyboard.

murphy day

we all know about murphy's law. what can go wrong will go wrong in any given situation. yep. murphy's law.

well i had a murphy day today. went to the exams and found out i left my civil code at the hotel. sigh. it was okay. i had something else to read.

when i got to my exam room i discovered i didn't have my permit. it was hanging inside a plastic thingie around my neck. one end open. i put my pens in there too. alas. they were not there. permit and pens, gone.

i retraced my steps and found nothing. talked to the guards, they found nothing. to my credit i was calm and collected the whole time except sweat was running in rivers in the nooks and crevices of my body. it was freakin hot!

anyways, was able to secure a temporary permit. so i took the exam and probably failed it. but like i said, i was calm and collected the whole time. that should count for something.

on a happier note, my dad took us out to shakey's. yey! garlic and cheese thin crust, spaghetti and garlic bread, fried chicken and coke. my breath smelled bad, but i felt good. :)

post birthday blues

before anything else, let me mention that the place smells like burning wires. my sister was fiddling with the cord of her lamp and it went kaboom on her. it plain stinks in here.

~~~~~~~~
i'm 29.

went to an insurance company yesterday to claim my something or other freebie. of course they took the opportunity to try to sell me something. they made such a big deal about me being 29 and single.

first, they didn't believe i was 29 (salespeople. they will flatter you at every turn). then they didn't believe i wasn't married with kids. (bordering on insult. do i look like i've had kids already????) finally they didn't believe i don't have a boyfriend (ma'am with your looks.... like i said, salespeople).

am i past the marrying age? or the childbearing age? i don't think so. what's the hype all about? why do they look at you funny when you're 29, beautiful and single? (ahem)

i am sure there are a lot of people similarly situated. i'm sure they often get asked when they plan to marry, whether they are with a current significant other or not. i know i get asked a lot.

i don't really mind. most of the time. specially if the person asking is particularly dear to me, or obviously well-meaning, without any mean undertones. i simply answer that it'll come, someday. all in good time.

but then sometimes even i don't believe that statement. perhaps the biggest reason why i detest being asked is that even as i give a flip answer, even as i smile and shrug, i am asking the same question.

what if there's no one out there for me? or what if i met him already and i let him go by? what if i pushed him away without knowing i was? or worse, what if somebody else found him already?

i know these questions have no answers. perhaps only the Big Guy Up There has the answers.

still, knowing these questions have no answers does not stop me from asking them.

i don't know. i'm rambling on and on.

sometimes i want to be back in a relationship again. i want the warmth of somebody's arms. i want those hugs that make me feel special. i want to be kissed. i want someone to turn to when i'm deliriously happy, or terribly sad. i want to feel that he is near, even when he's cities away. i want those quiet drives, the comfortable silences, the loving stillness. no words necessary.

or maybe i don't want them. maybe i just miss all these.

all these maybes. i guess i'm just lonely. birthdays do this to me. year after year.

check back in next year. maybe i'll be typing in a different tune.

in the meantime, i'll post the ad that's printed on my shirt that i got from tibs.

"WANTED: dangerously

handsome man. must

like horses, have money,

and look good in jeans.

will train."

7 of 9 i'm not

my friend l was here last month and he had this cool software in his 6600. it warps faces. the two pictures below are products of that software.

i forget which is supposed to be the alien version of me and which is the professor look. which is which? hell i don't know. but man, i ain't pretty. so cool though. good for laughs.

this takes the cake

celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago and my sister got me this cake. thought it would be a kick to post it.

it is kinda cute. :)

double bummer

called up hp and found out that they don't support my notebook model. which means that if i have it serviced there, it will only be under best efforts because they have to outsource it. and get this - it will cost a minimum of P25,000.00. newsflash: JOBLESS.

hate this. i hate having to borrow a computer just so i can check mail. i hate not being able to access the data in my computer. i hate it that i can only use my laptop now as a cd player.

of course i could hook it up to the tv again. but then it would probably kill my already highly myopic eyes because the tv is old and is not a very good monitor. i'll probably end up spending more just to have my eyes fixed.

a couple of friends suggested that i go buy myself a flat screen tv and just use the laptop as a desktop. the idea is becoming more attractive by the day.

i should stop complaining no? study na ko.

how to get out of getting a ticket

my sister and her friend went to dagupan.  they got hailed by a traffic enforcer because the girl driving wasn't wearing a seatbelt. here's what transpired:
 
driver: ano'ng offense namin?
traffic guy: ma'am wala kasi kayong seatbelt eh.
driver: (getting ready to make an escuse) kasi manong...
traffic  guy: buti pa yung buntis naka seatbelt (referring to my sister)
my sister: (flaring up, naturally) HINDI AKO BUNTIS! ANG OFFENSE MO, MASYADO KANG ASSUMING!
traffic guy: ah.... eh....
 
to make the long story short, they didn't get a ticket. but my sister was ready to kill. hehehe. moral of the story: lose that stomach!
 
 

bummer

the other day my laptop's lcd winked out on me. was pissed as hell. i was in the middle of working. my friend says the backlight probably gave up because if i looked really hard the desktop display is visible.
 
needed to send some mail out so here i am. hooked up the laptop to the tv. it's a little difficult to type looking at the tv. not to mention a strain on my neck. sigh.
 
plus the added expense of having the part replaced. sigh. sigh. sigh.  just when i quit my job. sigh.

jobless

i have joined the ranks of the unemployed (again).
 
it's tough, knowing i have to study again, and knowing i'm going to have to cut down on my expenses. which means no going to bookstores for the next 3 months at least. i have decided to just live on my savings because i don't want to burden my parents again.
 
it's just as well that i'm the type who would rather cook than eat out. i'm not a shopping person either. i just like to go get books. since i've been going on a book buying rampage, i think i still have books to tide me over till october.
 
i just hope i was able to save enough. but hey, now is the time to find out how creative i can be when i have no more cash in my pocket. maybe i'll just submit my stories and see which one gets published (tricky, since most of my stories are either morbid or horribly sad).
 
so there. good luck to me. :)
 
 

smoke and mirrors

got this from r last wednesday. i'm smiling like an idiot.
 

a vindication of sorts

renewed my license yesterday. and i must say, it is undoubtedly the best looking license picture i have ever seen in my entire life.
 
good thing too. when i went to get the drug test the girl at the center asked if i was married already. kasi daw ang payat-payat ko dun sa license ko.  baka daw nag-asawa na kasi ako. syet.
 
so when i went to get my license i was tired, hot, and depressed. i just sat there to have my picture taken and the guy behind the booth was making gestures telling me to fix my hair and remove my glasses.
 
when i got my license i was expecting all i felt to show. lo and behold. i looked damned good. :)
 
will post my license picture when i get the chance. in the meantime i intend to show it to all and sundry. fat or not, i look good.
 
 

this made my day

jumped over to renski's blog. she made a link to this blog because she almost fell off her chair laughing.

i almost fell off too. check it out. i'm sure it will make yours.

back to work.

whew!

i will never, ever, cut things close again. when it comes to the number coding, that is.

left the house at 6:15. traffic was (still is) BAAAAAAD. i had to get gas along edsa and the guy took ages, too. by the time i got out of the gas station it was 6:35. i was still near abs-cbn.

susmaryosep ang puso ko. somewhere along the stretch going to ortigas, an mmda guy on a motorcycle started tailing me. my heart almost stopped. if anybody encountered a silver car weaving in and out of traffic with an mmda guy behind the car, that was me. my panic was all for nothing. i found out that he wasn't after me pala. or he decided i wasn't worth the morning stress and he went on his merry way.

i got lucky. there were no other mmda guys along the road (except along the bus stops)and none in makati. traffic was still manageable in makati.

parked at 7:19. whew. whew. whew. said a quick prayer of thanks.

my life is screwed up at the moment but heck, lab pa rin ako ni papa jesus.

coffee show

i'm not really a coffee drinker. it has a very bad effect on me. aside from the fact that i start trembling and i palpitate, i bounce off the walls, as my friend leo put it. these side effects i have to put up with (and my friends and my sister have to put up with it too when i need to stay awake.)

yesterday i went to megamall to check out the coffee show. my sister wants to set up a coffee shop in baguio so i went there to see what ideas i might pick up and get some contacts as well.

the smell was overwhelming. it smelled so good i stood there for a while and just inhaled. hmmm. i took a look around and was glad i took the time to be there. the huge coffeemakers did everything. grind the beans, froth up the milk, brew the coffee, press your clothes, cook your meals.... everything. they did everything. and practically all the machines had this sleek stainless steel/gray/black finish that i like. except the price of one could probably support me for the next 4 months.

picked up a lot of brochures and bought some kesong puti and garlic and tomato sauce and some green tea. yes. they are coffee related.

i ended up wishing that i could drink coffee for pleasure. still. the smells were enough to keep me wide eyed.

looking forward to the next one. i'm sure my sister was awful glad i didn't drink any.

i like.

You are the pilot.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

cry myself to sleep

found this in one of my notebooks. am posting it since they threatened to delete my account if i don't post something.

cry myself to sleep

go figure

him: thank you very much! i love you!
her: you're welcome. no you don't.
him: haha! let me rephrase that, your honor. i would love to make love to you.
her: i seem to have that effect on men. i wonder why.
him: that's because you're quick with repartee and that's sexy. aside from the fact that you really are. like you said, i would die if i had you in the shower.
her: hmm. i think i just got paid a compliment.

traffic, gas, and parking blues

for the past week i've been driving to work. mainly because of the mrt fiasco last monday. my sister doesn't want me to take the train to work anymore. so i drive. and drive.

i haven't been late which is a good thing. trouble is, parking is 100 a day. yep. 100 a day. i have no alternative so i just cringe and bear it. i try not to think about what i could be spending on.

i bring lunch to work, and that eases the pressure on my pockets somewhat. but still, it's pretty hard to take, considering that i still have 2 weeks left at work. 1200. oh the books i could buy.

not to mention the gas i have to spend on. i haven't driven in almost a month i think. so when i got behind the wheel, i kept my foot on the accelerator. everytime i got the chance, that is. and i watched the needle of my fuel gauge go down. sigh. gas prices have really risen.

and to top it all off, the traffic is terrrriiiibbbbllllle. the recent visit by igme has screwed up the traffic system. it's been raining felines and canines. (ha. i like that.).

let's see. if i had gone commuting the past 4 days i would have spent 406.00. that's if i took a cab from the mrt. plus the mrt fare. to date i have spent 700 already. and i have to get gas when i go home. that's 294 pesos savings sana. without the traffic too. sigh. and payday is a week away. sigh. sigh. sigh.

consolation though: i get to be with kojak every single day. that's enough to make me smile.

the search for the holy grail

or at least it's beginning to look like that.

my sister, it seems, is keen on seeing me settled down. or at least attached. she doesn't tell me, though, because she doesn't do it consciously. oh no. she dreams.

the last time they were here in manila she sent me to gonuts donuts for one week. i understood, of course, that it was perhaps the novelty of the donuts. they don't have them in baguio. so i went. everyday. i took a cab going there, a cab going back to the office, then a cab to the hotel where they were staying. every. freaking. day.

before she left for baguio she told me why she had been asking me to go. she dreamt i met my husband-to-be there. this drop dead gorgeous guy. which would explain why she kept asking me if i met anyone interesting at the donut shop.

this morning i was driving to work (ungodly hour. left at 6:23 just so i won't get caught by the mmda guys) when she called.

her voice was still thick with sleep and she sounded blurry. anyways, she just called to tell me that she dreamt of the same guy. but this time he's a consul at the american embassy. according to her, i was reclining on a chair during my interview for a us visa. i told the guy i had no property, no savings, and when he said he wasn't giving back my passport, i said, and i quote "i don't care." then he looks at my mom who was waiting in line, and asks for permission to take me out.

hmmm. the dream ends there. my sister called really early so she won't forget the dream. good thing, though, that i was awake already. would probably have screamed if i were still sleeping.

i suppose now she's going to convince me to go get a us visa already. sigh.

this is all happening too early. too early.

i chicken

badge. that's what they say.

the other day i had my first encounter with cops who ride the bus. the guy beside me didn't pay and the conductor paid him no mind. then the inspector came onboard. i dutifully presented my ticket to show that i had paid my fare. then the guy beside me just murmured "badge."

he didn't look at the inspector. he wasn't wearing his uniform either. but the inspector didn't argue.

why is it like that? the bus operators need to earn too.

i was dismayed and it showed, i suppose. because the guy didn't look either. i only wish i had the guts to reprimand him.

i'm a chicken. bok-bok-bok.

resignation

i resigned from work. it's a weird feeling. i've been working on and off for the past 4 years and i've never had to resign from any of the posts i've held. mainly because it was either project based or i just up and left because i was on call if something new came along.

yesterday i gave my resignation letter. my bosses initially refused to accept the letter but eventually they did. and when they did, i wanted to get it back.

i like earning my own money. i like having money to spend on my books or if the mood strikes me, on furniture for my room. it's a little difficult for me to go back to being supported by my parents because i have to quit my job and study for the bar.

still, i suppose it is necessary.

hard to swallow pride.

ramblings

my window faces west. i stopped using curtains months back because i like thinking that my room is part of the outdoors.

it's very bright outside, and since i'm wearing contact lenses, it seems brighter. i've been staring out my window for some time now. it hurts my eyes. but i stare nonetheless. it's a beautiful day. the birds are out and the leaves are swaying with the wind. the air is cool my neighbors are quiet.

the only sound i hear right now is the music from my sister's room. she's playing the soundtrack from sleepless in seattle. there's the occasional sound of crickets but it's just a distant buzz. it will probably rain later.

slept most of the morning away. unusual but i slept at 4 am. my body's giving up on me so i took the chance to rest.

feeling introspective today. taking stock of my life. i've resigned from work. will be jobless in a couple of weeks. will be studying (again) for the bar. sigh. messed up my schedule, really. but these things happen i suppose.

i want to take a break from the world for a while. from everybody, including friends and family. i guess at some point in everybody's life they feel the need to be alone. to be a stranger. i know i want to be in place where nobody knows who i am. and nobody cares. i just want to walk unnoticed, unbothered by anybody.

so there. ramblings, it says in the title. i would ramble some more except...my brain refuses to organize.

the birds are chirping outside the window. my windchimes are dancing like there's no tomorrow. maybe there isn't.

oh well. pay this post no mind. just thinking out loud.

swung by abigail's blog

i'm an artisan.

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow never comes.


Artisans make up between 15 to 20 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

The Four types of Artisans are:

Promoters (ESTP) | Composers (ISFP) | Crafters (ISTP) | Performers (ESFP)

reading the papers

i stopped reading the newspapers a long time ago. or more appropriately, i stopped reading the news. i still visited the comic, sports, and ad sections. plus the crossword puzzles still held my attention and tickled my brain.

i stopped reading because the news had this peculiar effect on me. it made me not want to leave the house. it made me want to just go panic buying, lock myself up in the house, and just curl up with my constant companions - my books. reading the papers made me afraid.

everyday reports come in about someone being massacred somewhere, some person getting gunned down, another one becoming victim to robbers... the list goes on and on. and that's just the local news. how can i, in the interest of my sanity, keep on reading the papers?

tv was different. i have never been a fan of the boob tube. but printed words hold me in thrall for hours on end. it is far easier for me to just ignore the television than to leave the printed pages alone. so i decided to just segregate the news part. and lug the other sections to my room.

lately, however, my sister subscribed to a couple of papers. the other day i picked up a copy. started reading. sigh. hooked.

i read the papers every morning now. and i find that i have more reason to be afraid. the peculiar effect is gone. i don't feel like becoming a hermit anymore. i read the news and i feel... i feel... a mild alarm at the state of things. but that's it.

the anger is gone. the fear is gone. the news have ceased to move me. that, in itself, is scares me. i should be more concerned. i should care about what is happening around me. instead i find myself just looking for the latest promo. or the latest ad that seems interesting.

i've become jaded.

i don't want to be. i want to feel that fiery hate when i see violence reported on print. i want to feel the tears welling when somebody innocent dies. i want to feel that outrage when rights are trampled upon. i want to feel.

so i keep reading the papers. in the hope that one day i will feel fear again. that i will want to panic buy again. that i will want to lock myself up in the house. these would infinitely be better than feeling that mild alarm.

i will read on. and pray that one day i will again be afraid.

the girls

ever since we went to manila to go to college, occasions when we girls were together were few and far between. which is why we have our pictures taken at every opportunity. too bad there are only four of us here. one is in the states. the other one was busy when we were posing. still, it's a nice picture.

yza bear

my niece yza who celebrated her first birthday. isn't she precious? of course i would have done away with the pink stuff but her mother insisted. my objective now is to convince her that her favorite color is blue. :)

office people

these people make waking up early, taking a jam-packed train and bus, and walking in the scorching heat worth my while. :)

as far as love songs go...

this takes the cake for me.


There We Are
james taylor

Listen to me and I'll sing you a song
And the time will go by
'Til you never know where it's gone
Talk to me and I'll tell you my life story
Walk with me and I'll tell you my dreams of glory

There we are
Walking hand in hand
Somewhere on the sand
At the end of the land
And the edge of the shining sea

Drifting through time and space
On the face of a little blue ball
Falling around the sun
One in a million, billion, twinkling lights
Shining out for no one
In the middle of the night

Here we are
Sparks in the darkness
Speaking of our love
Burning down forever and forever

Oh I don't know if I told you
But you hold my heart in your hand
And I found out something about you
Baby, without you
I'm a lonely man

So though I never say that I love you
I love you
Darling I do
Carly, I do love you
And though we are as nothing
To the stars that shine above
You are my universe
You are my love

Here we are
Like children forever
Taking care of one another
While the world goes on without us
All around us

the smell of rain and lightning

it must have been because i grew up in a place that had clean air. at least it used to have clean air. i have a sense of smell that is a little more sensitive than usual.

this afternoon while we were having coffee i told my officemates that the air smelled like the sea. i told them i could smell rain. none of them agreed probably because the sun was glaring and the sky was clear over the area. but it was there. and i liked the smell. a few hours later it started raining.

at times i can also smell the metallic odor of lightning. i don't know if there really is such a smell. but for me it smells electric. could be my over-active imagination, i suppose. is it possible for my imagination to trigger my olfactory senses? hmm. must look it up.

anyways, i'm glad i can smell the rain and the lightning. and if having a sensitive nose makes me more prone to bad smells, so be it. the trade-off is worth it. :)

gray skies

it's been raining on and off and one day this just came at me. feeling sentimental and dramatic.

do gray skies make you feel like this too?

my dad

am back home in baguio. took a leave from work so i can spend time with the kids. plus i'm getting tired of working. need to take a break.

my niece was here earlier today. she's turning one tomorrow and she's been taking a step or two unassisted. she looks so adorable i have to restrain myself because i want to bite her.

anyways, her favorite rhyme is "this little pig." when one of my sisters finished reciting it, my other sister told me a story. apparently when we were sleeping at linden suites last month, my dad looked at the four of us while we were sleeping on the floor. only ate a was awake. she said he started pointing and reciting : this little pig went to market... this little pig stayed at home... this little pig had roast beef... this little pig had none...

since there were only 4 of us, my dad had to stop there. it must have tickled him pink watching us big girls sleep there. we really need to lose weight. when your own dad starts seeing you as pigs, there is something definitely wrong with the picture. but then my dad likes to joke too.

i have always wondered where i get my crazy streak. now i'm sure i get some of it from my dad. but i have this to say. my dad loves us to bits, pigs or not.

and for that, i'm thankful.

what kind of kiss am i?

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



okay so this is no substitute for a blog. but i am suffering from brain drain so this will have to do. :)

kasalanan ng mga lamok

nasabi ko na ata to. pero sasabihin ko ulit.

kasalanan ng mga lamok kung bakit tayo nagdadamit. kung hindi sila nangangagat, aba, di natin kailangan magdamit! kung mainit, hubad lang tayo. kung malamig, magbalot ng kumot.

sa init ng panahon ngayon, kalokohan ang magdamit. kalokohan ang magsuot ng damit pang-opisina. lalo kung nag-co-commute ka lang. parusa ang naka-polo at pantalon.

natusta na ang utak ko sa kasusuot ng damit. kung lahat tayo nakahubad, wala tayong problema di ba? menos gastos na, wala pang problema kung di ka sabay sa uso. kasi walang uso.

kaya ang masasabi ko lang, dapat magdamit lang tayo kung kailangan. at bumili ng katol.

my husband

yes. my husband. i just found out i had one.

a few days ago i ran into a friend from high school. she had her daughter with her. we had coffee while catching up on things. then she asked me how many kids i had already?

huh? i was about to feel insulted. (read: was she saying i'm fat???) then i told her i didn't have kids yet.

then she asked me where my lovey-doods (her phrase, not mine) was. i told her we broke up some time ago.

she gives me this look and says "but you got married na!"

again, huh?

apparently, a couple of years ago a rumor circulated in my hometown that i was already married. hmmm. she didn't tell me whom i was married to. she didn't know.

i ended up laughing and wondering who my supposed husband was (is?)

small towns. can't beat living in one.

boyfriends, taxi and telephone conversations

one day i was in a cab on my way home. "puff the magic dragon" came on over the radio. the driver turned it up. this was how our conversation went.

him: 17 pa lang ako nung lumabas to.
me: di pa ho ako ipinapanganak nun. (with a smile, of course)
him: ilang taon ka na ba?
me: 28 po.
him: dalaga pa?
me: opo. nag-aral po kasi ako.
him: di bale, hihintayin ka naman ng boyfriend mo.
me: ala po akong boyfriend eh.
him: (looking at me sideways since i was sitting up front) sa beauty mong yan?
me: (jokingly) eh, ipinagpalit ho ako eh.
him: (in a very mild, conversational way) aba, mahanap nga yan at mabugbog.

i laughed out loud. wouldn't you have?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
another interesting conversation i had with the credit card customer service rep. she called up to ask whether i wanted a supplementary card for my family or not.

her: hi ma'am. gusto lang po naming malaman kung gusto niyo ng supplementary card.
me: required ba?
her: hindi naman po. pero you can get up to 7 supplementary cards. kung ayaw nyo ng 7, pwedeng 3.
me: no thank you.
her: ma'am sa inyo naman po pupunta ang bills.
me: yun nga ang masakit eh.
her: talaga po bang ayaw niyo ma'am? sa kapatid?
me: meron na mga kapatid ko eh.
her: sa kaibigan, boyfriend?
me: ala akong boyfriend eh.
her: OWS?
me: huh?
her: di ako naniniwalang wala kayong boyfriend, ma'am! ang cute cute ng boses niyo eh.
me: (laughing by this time) wala talaga.
her: talaga ma'am? ilang taon na ba kayo?
me: 28.
her: AY PIHIKAN SI MA'AM!
me: (still laughing) hindi naman.
then i stopped myself. i almost explained my life to her!
her: talaga po ma'am. basta ma'am di ako naniniwala na wala. ang cute cute niyo e. (huh? the application didn't include a picture)
me: wala talaga. ano name mo?
her: m____ po.
me: sige, pag nagka-boyfriend ako, tatawagan kita.
her: pasensya na ho kayo ma'am kasi nacu-cute-an talaga ako sa boses niyo eh.
me: ok lang. bye.

this conversation was fun. ordinarily i wouldn't have entertained the call but she sounded so bubbly. serves me right, i suppose.

still, it made my day. it's interesting how they assume that i have a boyfriend... oh well.

am back

it's been weeks since i've written a half-way decent post. mainly because things have been going haywire in my life.

but that's done, so.... am back. :)

almost a year later

i didn't get to do this last year when i graduated. so i did it yesterday. the graduates with their cameras looked very envious. they had to wear decent shoes and clothes. as for me, i simply went up there and smiled.

me and oblation. :)

ripped from abigail's blog

Which poem are you? Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda Aw, you're a romantic. You believe in true love and all that sort of stuff. How cute are you? To you, love is incredible and amazing.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

i have a refrigerator magnet depicting this painting. it's called "the kiss" by gustav klimt. nice coincidence.

get rich quick

last tuesday my dad brought me to the casino. it was my first and i felt a certain amount of thrill at finally getting to enter one.

first thing the people at the casino did was confiscate my phone. okay.

then i noticed the atmosphere. the air was thick with smoke, there were two performers onstage doing some commentary and the tables were full.

my dad was standing at the super six table and i gave him my chips. we were just going to bet alongside the players sitting there.

my first set of chips lost. my dad transferred to the other guy and he lost. my dad and i shared a laugh. after all, the chips we were playing with were the ones he had won earlier.

he asked me if i wanted to play some more. i said no. and i meant it.

at first i couldn't explain it. my only exposure (if you can even call it that) to casinos were thanks to movies and television shows. yep. vegas. nothing else. so i was expecting to see a place full of happy gamblers, or at the very least, drunk gamblers and scantily-clad women.

i didn't see that. what i saw was totally at odds with my vegas influenced thinking.

we left, and while we were on our way back to the room, i finally realized why i didn't like it there.

i saw no smiles, except for that of my dad. there was an air of desperation there, almost palpable. or maybe it was just my imagination. it felt like people were there to try for that one big win that would solve their problems. there it was, that quiet plea... just this one time... please... let me win...

i got depressed. good thing my dad didn't want to stay.

i don't think i will ever go back. or if i do, i'm going to the slot machine and i'm going to turn my back on the rest of the people there.

if i'm going to become impoverished one day, it will not be because of gambling.

suso sa nanay

before anybody reacts, i heard that this is the old way of referring to one who goes back to his parents for tlc.

last night i went to the hotel where my parents were staying. they have a seminar at the hotel. as soon as i got there, i changed my clothes, brushed my teeth and snuggled up to my mom.

it felt good, i felt centered and all my worries left me.

this morning they fed me a heavy breakfast, and had me chauffered to work.

this job is my stint at independence. and it took a lot of control on my part to say that i didn't need money when my dad asked.

still, though. the pampering was good.

that's why i'm going back tonight. :)

for adults only. explicit content.

watched the premiere showing of passion of the christ last night. suffice it to say that i went home physically and emotionally exhausted.

got home around midnight and promptly fell asleep. around 2:45 am, i woke up to the sound of the landline ringing.

nobody wants to hear the landline ring at 2:45 am. it calls to mind police, or worse, hospitals. it must have been ringing for some time to be able to jar me from my exhausted sleep.

i rushed to the phone and it sounded like my sister's boyfriend who is currently out of the country. so i called his name. nope, wasn't him.

"hi. i'm just looking for someone to talk to about my problem."

sleepy as i was i became afraid that this guy might be suicidal. so i asked him what the problem was. he said it was difficult to find someone to talk to. he'd been dialling random numbers and i was unfortunate enough to have picked up the phone.

then the next thing he asked floored me.

"are you single?"

what the fuck?

i finally told him that i needed to sleep and i didn't have time for this.

he said he needed to talk about his problem. fine.

me: what's your problem?

"my sleeping problem."

tangina. (pardon me.)

it took practically every ounce of control i had to not slam the phone.

i told him, calmly, that i was going to put the phone down, that he should look for someone else to bother, and that he was selfish and inconsiderate. ( i saw no point in getting worked up and missing more sleep)

he said he will keep on pressing redial (turns out he didn't take note of what he dialled) and was asking me for the phone number so he can call me on an ordinary day. asshole.

i put the phone down while he was talking, switched off the ringer, and went back to bed.

fucking inconsiderate bastard.

ONE!!!!

my blog turned one today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!!!

last year i was looking for an article i had read way back in high school, printed in the inquirer. i searched for it and came across a blog. it was this blog.

thought it would be a good idea to start a blog. but then i couldn't get around to doing it. then i got depressed. i needed an outlet. so i started my blog. i was depressed, hence the title.

my first entry was bitter. of course it was! i felt bitter. but then eventually i started blogging about other things, from what i ate for breakfast, to the fat lizards by the window.

liberating, and to a certain extent, it appeals to the "exhibitionist" side of me that wants the world to know what is happening to me, even though i am probably a mere speck in its sphere.

so there.

happy birthday blog. :)

weird event of the day

got to sit inside the bus today. i was sitting beside this big guy. the seat was for 3 but between the 2 of us, there was space left only for half a butt. so we were undisturbed.

somewhere in front of rustan's the guy suddenly takes his shirt off, stripping to his undershirt! i counted to 10, waiting before hitting my panic button. my thoughts:

he has a meeting, he needs to change. there are no changing rooms anywhere. he's late. he needs to change in the bus...

imagine my consternation when he put the shirt back on. i slid a glance at his face. he wore a half-smile. then it dawned on me. he probably realized his shirt was on inside out. hehehe. couldn't stand it maybe.

i just had to smile.

gmrng world!

not being

as young as i used to be.

way back in college i used to go home practically every weekend. i'd leave on friday and get the manila-bound bus at 2 am monday morning. head straight for the dorm, shower, off to class, then the 3 hour training for volleyball in the evening.

went home last weekend. got there saturday morning. left sunday night at 11. i got to the apartment at around 5, slept till 7 then off to work.

found myself dozing off during the day. i felt so tired. when i got home in the evening i slumped in front of the tv, finished watching charmed then went straight to bed. for almost 9 hours. unheard of for me because i usually get only about 6-7 hours, which is more than enough. not that time. woke up tired and feeling heavy. (of course, it could be my weight. still.)

sigh. i guess our bodies can only take so much abuse.

these days i find myself declining invitations to go out at night. i would rather sleep.

maybe i really am getting old.

well at least my body is. hehehe.

feeling model

my brother in law t, is a photographer. when he and my sister m met, and we found out he was really good at what he did, we became willing subjects. ate k and i would pose whenever he needed to test some lights, or some setting, or we'd help out with his shoots. we also did brainstorming with him.



my sister k and i were the most "popular" models. mainly because we were always available, and because we were cheap. lunch was the usual payment. and we thought it couldn't hurt that we had lots of pictures to show off. and it also didn't hurt that he didn't usually charge us. (grad pics were free. :)



a couple of weeks ago my brother in law was in town for a shoot. i decided to have my pictures taken. when asked, i told him it was for my friendster profile. hehehe. honestly though, i just wanted to have my pictures taken. something for my resume, perhaps. or maybe i just wanted to pose. ah vanity.

my sister was there, of course. she did the fixing up, and took care of minute details, depending on the directions of the t. he took about 40 pictures of me, 20 more of my sister, and several of the both of us. plus we had the other guy in the studio take our picture. for posterity. :)



our best pictures were always the ones where we were together. so here. these are some of my favorites from the latest batch. will have to convert the others to digital.

my brother in law is good, yes? :)

footnote

"it should not be assumed merely because the pronouns "he", "him", and the possessive "his" are used extensively throughout this article that the person referred is of the male sex. gender is of no consequemce om ,pst situations referred to herein, and yet the alternatives of using "he/she" or "his/her" or employing the pronouns "she", "her", or the possessive "hers" make for cumbersome prose in the fist instance and in the latter could even be viewed as being more sexist and male chauvinistic than the terms that have been employed."

-Defending Civil Service Employee from Discharge
by Loren E. Mcmaster

hmmmm. i used to have a teacher in lawschool who insisted that we should use the alternatives "he/she" or "his/her". he would throw a fit if we made the mistake of using only the he or his.

i wonder if it really is more sexist and male chauvinistic to use these alternatives.

personally though, i don't take offense if it is the he or his that is used.

food for thought. for those with nothing better to do.

archie

this day ten years ago a good friend of mine died of asthma complications resulting in kidney failure.

these days i find it hard to believe that he's gone. it was much easier to accept back then. now when i think about him, i don't think he's dead. i just think he's gone somewhere where there are no cellphones, no postman and no email.

i remember what it was like when he got sick.

it was a few days before he died. i heard news that he was very sick, in the hospital and his parents were just waiting for him to die. i panicked. i was in manila then, in danger of getting dismissed from the university of the philippines. i couldn't afford to be absent.

so i called a common friend. she said he was fine and that he was just in school a few days before. i breathed a sigh of relief. i had written him letters that morning telling him to wait for me, i will be home soon.

it turns out that the friend i had called had not been going to class and that she had no idea he was sick. i panicked anew.

a couple of days later we got word that he was at the kidney institute. common friends were making plans to go there the following day. since i had class then, i decided to go that very day. march 8.

i remember the ward. there he was, gaunt, bearded. but trying to smile. i had no idea how bad it was. i spoke to his parents before i approached. they told me he had been revived several times already and they were hopeful that he'd be stable enough to survive a kidney transplant. he and his older brother were a match.

i stared. he stared back. then he lifted his hand a few inches off the bed and beckoned me. i finally went near him and held his hand. i had forgotten to bring my letters so i settled for holding his hand. he couldn't speak anymore. he was too weak. but he held my hand firmly.

i smiled. i remember telling him that i had letters for him and that i will bring them the following day. he merely nodded. i asked if he wanted me to stay but he shook his head. after whispering i love you, he squeezed my hand and i left. glad. i was so sure he would be okay.

the following day in class i was writing him about how bored i was in class. certain he would be amused. he had a wonderful sense of humor, archie.

i remember the day he died.

on the way to the hospital, i was with my brother in law who brought the contact prints of this portfolio he made of me. while in the car he kidded me. he said arch might croak when he sees my pictures. ha! i looked so pretty!

at the ward i stopped at the door. there was a little girl in the bed. i turned to the watcher at the first bed. she smiled a sad smile and said "hinintay ka lang."

i froze. surely she can't mean what she said?

things were hazy after that. i remember crying. i remember wanting to look for his body to make sure it was just a mistake. i remember my brother in law trying to comfort me, saying sorry for making that crack about arch croaking.

but all else faded into the background. all i could think about was that it was my fault he was dead. if i hadn't gone to see him, he would have waited some more. and he wouldn't have died.

it was my fault it was my fault it was my fault.

i shook the guilt off eventually.

i couldn't believe he was dead. arch. the guy who had ants for pets. who used to write poetry about whatever. the guy who could spike like a huge person, but who was about 6 inches shorter than me. the guy who never let asthma get in the way. the guy i lay next to on the roof to watch the stars till we were coated in dew. the guy who used to say "i love you snowflake" to me.

but he was. and it was something we have come to accept, albeit with some difficulty. he was 18 years old.

we felt the loss. we grieved. i lived with the grief for months. along with the guilt.

and now it's been years.

i feel him sometimes. talk to him sometimes. knowing he probably can't hear me. but i suppose it's for me. i talk to him to make myself feel better. i talk to him to keep up the illusion that he's alive... somewhere.

it's been 10 years.

but he is remembered. as the guy who once called me snowflake.

waking up

i love waking up. even when i complain that it's too cold, it's too early, i want to sleep some more, yadayadayada. truth is, i love that moment when i open my eyes, and i snuggle deeper into my blankets and just wait for the world to wake up.

this morning was especially beautiful. woke up around 5 and there was light streaming in. i got up and there it was. my moon. (yes, my moon. nobody say otherwise) full, yellow, in a brilliant blue sky. it wasn't completely dark anymore so the blue was more apparent. and the moon had a niche all to itself.

i just had to sigh, wishing i had a camera.

i imagine that it must be sights like this that inspire poetry, music, and stories. sights that throw a coating of fantasy to an otherwise dreary world.

so i got up feeling lighthearted.

and there's a story in my head.

my old friend the floor

yes. the floor.

yesterday my sister finally decided to clean up the apartment. i had been cleaning up when i can but there was so much stuff scattered around, and my valiant efforts failed. it didn't help that i slept as soon as i got home. i kept my room in some semblance of order and it was my sanctuary.

so when she decided to clean up i looked up and said a silent prayer. i cleaned the bathroom. a dirty job but someone has to do it.

she washed the dishes and started fixing her stuff. (dumping it on the dining table. hehehe.) soon there it was. the floor. but filthy.

couldn't help it. swept it. got a mop. mopped it. ah there. my old friend the floor.

i started singing (ala ric segreto) "it's been quite a while...."

she got a rug and we promptly sprawled on it, watching miss congeniality. i only hope the clean floor will last.

next project, my old friend the dining table.

people

one reason i take the mrt, aside from the traffic, is because i like watching people. they're interesting and it's fun wondering what their life is like and making up stories in my head.

this morning, though, i wasn't having fun.

a lady coming along in years suddenly thrust her hand across my front to reach the pole. since i didn't see her at first, i was more than ready to pick a fight. but it was an old lady in a pink blouse. i gave way and let her stand beside the post so she can hold on. a few minutes later i saw her slowly sink to the floor. we held her and a guy sitting down stood up. he had crutches but he gave his seat. we asked her if she was okay and she said she was.

later i saw her crying. so i took the scrunched up tissues in my hand (courtesy of mcdonald's), peeled the one with hot chocolate traces away, and gave her the rest.

i felt so helpless. and i think the guy with the crutches felt the same way. we were both getting off at buendia and she was getting off at taft.

she said she was okay. i hope she is.

in the bus i saw this lady, middle-aged probably. perhaps older. she got off at the same stop immediately before i did. she was walking so slow and she had an umbrella to support her. i held the people behind me at bay so they wouldn't push past her. i stood my ground.

i almost offered to walk with her but she was smartly dressed and i felt that she might be offended, or worse, she might think i'd rob her. i'm wearing a shirt and cords. so i walked on.

i felt anger. i was mad at the world that demanded that people their age should still be working. that they would have to commute and take the train or the bus because they don't have the money for cabs or because the traffic is really bad.

i was outraged that they should have to suffer so. and i hated myself for the moment because i felt i should have done more. i just didn't know what.

i almost lost hope that this country would ever progress. we don't even help each other.

but then i thought about that guy in crutches, bum leg and all, offering his seat.

and i didn't feel so hopeless anymore.

we've moved house

or at least that's what my id says.

yesterday i was late for work. for the first time since i started my job i was late for 20 minutes. i was pissed. but i guess these things happen.

while in the bus i decided to get everything ready so i could just run through the lobby when i got off. so i opened my bag and got my id out.

i happened to glance at the back of the id where they put in the "contact person in case of emergency."

through the haze i saw an address.

234 Bintog
Plaridel, Bulacan

my dad's name was there. we moved?????

there i was sitting in the bus laughing all by myself. it occurred to me that if something happened to me and they sent somebody over to plaridel bulacan, they will never never never find my dad.

still, they got the phone number right. that's something.

sigh. at least that would only be a two-hour drive.

from emman's blog

Instructions:
A. Copy this whole list.
B. Highlight the things that are true about you.
C. Whatever you don't touch is false.

01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a bathroom
07. I love playing video games
08. I adore marijuana
09. I watch porn movies
10. I watch them with my father
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like George Bush
15. I am cool
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a jacuzzi and a Porsche
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere
20. I can be really really smart21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret - that no one else knows
23. I hate snow
25. Punk rock rules
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am so not a morning person
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes
35. I have a twin
36. I wear a padded bra sometimes
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them
40. I don't like horror movies
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway
42. People hate me usually - people who give out flyers at malls never approach me
43. I love pop music
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know the national anthem of my country by heart
47. I know more than two languages
48. I can spend too much time on the computer
49. I often want to throw out the computer in a window
50. I live on a ground floor
51. I don't like chocolate
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds
55. I want to conquer the world
56. I wonder what happens when I die
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. I love my dog! -
59. I love to exercise
60. I hate chemistry with a passion and math, too!
61. I love to write but I wish I could be as interesting as some people
62. I like changes
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die
65. I hate dish washing with a passion!
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly
67. My nails are nine inch long
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little -actually my forefinger
72. I should be doing something else rather than doing this -YEP!
73. I am online a lot
74. I hate government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend
76. I'm too nice for my own good (apparently too vain too.)
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can
78. I don't trust newspapers79. I like debating
80. I live in a wagon
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye (half-closed)
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion
86. I used to play with barbies only because all the other girls were doing it
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little
88. I like listening to wind chimes
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight
91. I earn a lot -
92. I don't like spicy food
93. I keep a diary - does a blog count?
94. I can't do cartwheels
95. I can be very lazy
96. I'm sarcastic more often than not
97. I think my hair can be annoying
98. I could be sensitive - i'd like to think i am.
99. I love being "ab-normal" - what's normal?

from emman

my corporate socks

one thing i hated about having to start working was that i wouldn't be able to show up in jeans and rubbershoes anymore. i would have to wear some fairly decent clothes.

fine. i could do that. but i had to compromise. i was never going to wear plain socks. since i'm not going to court anyways, i knew it would be okay. di naman bitin mga pantalon ko eh.

so everyday, there i was, wearing either a a suit or blouse and slacks and black shoes. with scooby-doo socks. or bugs bunny. or a cartoon dog. or a witch. or stars. the deal was, no plain socks.

my boss saw my socks and thankfully she was amused. everyday they would ask me about my corporate socks and i would gladly show them.

today i brought my socks in my bag along with my shoes. since i commute everyday, i wear sandals to work. easier on the feet that way.

i went to the mrt, opened my bag, got on the train. went to the office, opened my bag, passed through reception and went to the office. when i opened my bag, the first things i saw were my socks. white scooby-doo socks with red heels and toes. hmmm.

no wonder the guards had no comment. :)

~~~~~~~~~~
obiter:

a few weeks ago my sister and i went to greenbelt 3. she was feeling bad so we decided to window shop. she was wearing a suit and killer shoes. when we were on the way to the parking area, she flatly refused to walk. i knew she was feeling bad so i decided to be heroic.

i took off my sneakers and gave them to her. and promptly walked the rest of the way to the car in my socks. sure, people stared. but hey. wasn't about to sacrifice my sister's feet for my socks' cleanliness. but only for that day. :)

besides, i've done it before. i walked from the first floor of megamall to the 3rd floor parking area in my socks while carrying my court shoes. comfort first.

and that is why i have happy feet.

just like that...

was in a very bad mood this morning. my sister had class at 8 and i didn't know. i woke her up at 7 to bring me to the station. it was a make-up class so it wasn't in the sked. so she had to take a bath before taking me to the station.

traffic was horrible. there was this idiot in a black and red car that kept swerving into my lane. nearly hit him a couple of times. then i nearly got hit by a jeep. by the time i got to the station i was just about ready to hit something, somebody.

since it was rush hour, the place was packed and i had to let the next 4 trains pass because i was at the back.

my anger stayed while i was in the train. then when the crowd of people eased up, i saw him. he looked good.

this was the guy i almost had a past with, way back in college. he didn't see me so i stared unabashedly, realizing that my mood had lightened considerably. :)

he saw me just as i was leaving the train. said our hellos and gave our smiles. then i stepped off the train.

things were looking up. they still are. :)

can't beat this title

stumbled across a book on sale in national bookstore. the title is.. (drumroll please)

A HEARTBREAKING WORK OF STAGGERING GENIUS.

it's written by dave eggers.

i bought the book sealed, and i thought that since it cost 100.50 (brand new), even if it sucked, it would be a steal.

when i got home i opened it to the dedication page. it said:

THIS WAS UNCALLED FOR.

i liked it immediately.

i may end up wishing that i bought food instead, but then my mom said no books are bad. she's right. no matter how totally useless a book is, it's something to learn from.

i suppose a hundred bucks is not too much to spend on "eddication."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

also bought the god of small things by arundhati roy, indian edition. the cover is green.

parting shot

last sunday the last thing the priest said was this:

"if we don't love, we perish. goodnight."

i had no idea i was this great :)

a testimonial from r.

Tina B. is one of those rare individuals who is good at everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. My fellow “driver from hell” controls cars more confidently and competently than anyone else I know. She can throw a football with such precision and strength that will put most guys to shame, and spike a volleyball to win the game. She’s a songwriter who’s work can be heard on a major record label. She writes poetry straight from the heart. Her short stories, though still undiscovered by what would surely be an eager set of fans, combine humor and wit with an unpretentious and very enjoyable storytelling style (read: start publishing your work, Tina! you’re depriving us all of a good read!). She never had a bad recitation experience throughout 4 years of law school, because she is just too cool. So cool. In so many ways (why, i even nominated her for “coolest person” of our graduating class!). She can out- drink ten people combined and STILL be the most in-control of her mental faculties (hehe. have i mentioned that the blood flowing through her veins is 80 proof? :) She is well-read and has an impressive collection of books in the children’s lit and fantasy genres. Blessed with a good eye for real art, she paints vivid and moody pictures, and she knows enough about photography to be a photographer herself. This interior design graduate could put together your dream space if you asked her to. As if all those talents weren’t enough, Tina B. can also prepare the heartiest home-cooked meal you ever had, and bake scwumptious cookies that will have you begging for more (and since she’s so generous, she WILL let you have more, bless her heart :) And hence, as you can see, Tina B. is good at EVERYTHING. And more than anything, she is good at being a friend. (pardon my mush) She will listen when no else will, she will understand when no else can, and she will be there when no when else is willing to be. (And she’ll provide endorphin-rich sugar-laden antidepressant goodies if the situation calls for it) Tina B.: a great person who’s good at everything. (in case you were wondering, the “B” stands for beeyootiful :)